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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Don't Know Where to Put It. Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-13-2002 01:04 PM                        Rated G Embarrasing Moment - George in Oregon Those of you old enough to remember already know that people my age have suffered thru the long-haired male, close-cropped female hair craze back in the 60's. I remember one nite at an awards banquet for Little League Baseball, I was standing near the bar engaging in idle chit-chat with another parent. Having worn a flattop since my Navy days, naturally I had a disdain for long haired boys. I said, "And look at that thing over there. How in the world can anyone tell if it's a boy or a girl ?" The other parent said, "Well, since that 'thing' is my son, I can assure you that 'it' is indeed a boy." Naturally, I was embarrassed as hell, and quickly replied "Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't know you were the boy's Father." "Actually, I'm his Mother." she said as she walked away.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-14-2002 07:00 AM                        Rated G Captain Silver A Singaporean, a Chinese and an Indian were asked to compare their Leaders with a National Landmark or Monument( Man Made or Natural) The Chinese wrote " My leaders are like the Great Wall of China...old but still as strong as the bricks in the Wall." The Singaporean wrote " My leaders are like the many highrise buildings in Singapore. They build our nation and bring us to greater heights." The Indian wrote " My leaders are like the Himalaya Mountains. They have been around for a long time, doing nothing."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-20-2002 01:06 PM                        Rated G Unlike his more popular brother, Midas, everythin Feceus touched turned to crap.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-20-2002 02:12 PM                        Rated PG Captain Silver When It's Okay To Fart In Public: 1. In your boss' office as you are turning to leave. Tip- Make sure it's a silent one 2. In a bathroom 3. In a cashier's line - it might help to speed up things 4. In an empty elevator before you get off 5. Next to an occupied changing room - it may quickly become unoccupied 6. In someone else's unoccupied cubicle at work 7. While parachuting 8. While scuba diving 9. In the back seat of a patrol car if you are arrested 10. During interrogation if you're the one being interrogated 11. In your car if you've been carjacked 12. In the changing room when you're sure someone else is waiting his/her turn 13. In your car once you've been pulled over..the cop may let you go quicker 14. During a pie eating competition to distract your competitors 15. While walking down a crowded hallway. Nobody will know whom to blame  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-20-2002 02:21 PM                        Rated G Altered Egos Bruise Lee: inept martial-arts student Merlyn Streep: professional magician Sean Cannery: manager, fish-packing plant Splint Eastwood: respected osteopath Bette Fidler: skilled symphony musician Marlon Brandy: maker of fine liqueurs Jackie Masonry: journeyman bricklayer Draw Barrymore: portrait artist Leanardo de Cappuccino: founder, coffee-shop chain  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-20-2002 02:26 PM                        Rated PG Sam: Hey John do you know what a fart is? John: no what is it. Sam: It's a turd honking its horn letting you know it's on it's way out.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-20-2002 03:41 PM                        Rated R One Liners............. Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? A: 1 U.S. leader Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? A: Beat it - we're closed. Q: What's the difference between sin and shame? A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out. Q: What's the speed limit of sex? A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around. Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box? A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!" Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside? A: K9P. Q: What's another name for pickled bread? A: Dill-dough. Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy? A: She's withholding evidence. Q: What's the difference between light and hard? A: You can sleep with a light on. Q: Why is sex like a bridge game? A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand. Q: What's the height of conceit? A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. Q: What's the definition of macho? A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy. Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? A: Their balls are just for decoration. Q: Why don't blind people like to sky dive? A: Because it scares the hell out of the dog. Q: Why is divorce so expensive? A: Because it's worth it.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-21-2002 08:01 AM                        Rated G A friend of ours was walking down a deserted Mexican beach at sunset. As he walked along, he began to see another man in the distance.As he grew nearer,he noticed that the local native kept leaning down, picking something up and throwing it out into the water.Time and again he kept hurling things out into the ocean. As our friend approached even closer, he noticed that the man was picking up starfish that had been washed up on the beach and, one at a time, was throwing them back into the water. Our friend was puzzled.He approached the man and said, Good evening, friend.I was wondering what you were doing." "I'm throwing these starfish back into the ocean.You see it's low tide right now and all of these starfish have washed up onto shore. If I don't throw them back into the sea,they'll die up here from lack of oxygen." "I understand," my friend replied, "but there must be thousands of starfish on this beach.There are simply too many.And don't you realize that this is probably happening on hundreds of beaches all up and down the coast.Can't you see that you can't possibly make a difference?" The local native smiled, bent down and picked up yet another starfish;and as he threw it back into the sea, he replied,"Made a difference to that one."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-21-2002 10:15 AM                        Rated X When someone asks you what time it is,glance at your watch and say, "it's either six-fifteen or Mickey has a hard-on." Guaranteed they'll ask somebody else  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-21-2002 10:21 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee I don't think I'll ever have a mother's intuition. My sister left me alone in a restaurant with my 12-month-old nephew. I said, "What do I do if he cries?" She said, "Give him some vegetables." It turns out that jalapenos are not his favorite.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-21-2002 12:06 PM                        Rated G Baby Blues Road signs are a real indication of what an area is like. Here in Texas we have signs saying "Deer Crossing". At Yellowstone you have signs saying "Bear Crossing". In Africa you have signs saying "Elephant Crossing". In Washington DC, you have signs saying "Double Crossing".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-21-2002 12:09 PM                        Rated G Baby Blues MONEY Workers earn it, Spend thrifts burn it, Bankers lend it, Women spend it, Forgers fake it, Taxes take it, Dying leave it, Heirs receive it, Thrifty save it, Misers crave it, Tithers give it, Robbers seize it, Rich increase it, Gamblers lose it... I could use it! -Richard Armour  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-21-2002 01:08 PM                        Rated PG WISDOM OF STEVEN WRIGHT If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the guy who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates." Here are some more of his gems: I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. Half the people you know are below average. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.(Think about it some more.) I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. OK,so what's the speed of dark? How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now. I intend to live forever - so far, so good. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-21-2002 01:17 PM                        [b]Rated PG DIET QUESTIONS[/] At long last, answers to questions we've all asked! Thought I would help out some of my special friends with my "Diet for Life Questions".I'm sure you will all benefit from my way of living! Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.Is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it; don't waste them on exercise.Everything wears out eventually.Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?Hay and corn.And what are these?Vegetables!So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken!Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop. Q:Is beer or wine bad for me? A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables. Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry! My philosophy is: No Pain ...Good! Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer? A: Nope.Smoking is a sign of individual statement and peace of mind. If you stop,you'll probably stress yourself to death in record time. Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: You're not listening.Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Q: What's the secret to healthy eating? A: Thicker gravy. Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? Hello..... Cocoa beans... Another vegetable!!! "It's the best feel good food around!" Well,I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie... flour is a veggie! One more thing: .."When life hands you lemons,,,,,,,,,,,ask for a bottle of tequila and some salt." Save our planet, it's the only one with chocolate!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-21-2002 01:24 PM                        Rated G gemini My wife recently bought a new Volkswagen Beetle, that bright green color.The first day she had it she made all kinds of excuses to run errands. One of these errands was to pick up clothes at the dry cleaners and go to the grocery. The dry cleaners and the grocery are in the same strip mall so, she got a few things at the grocery, then ran by the cleaners and got the clothes.Having her hands full she laid the clothes on top while putting the groceries in the car.When she got home she was beaming,"You wouldn't believe how many people waved and honked their horns at the car and me on the way home." she said, "people must really think this car is neat." About that time a car pulled up in our drive and a man got out with an arm load of our clothes. "Excuse me" he said "but I'vebeen trying to get your attention for two miles, your clothes landed on my hood just after you pulled out of the parking lot."  |  IP: Logged

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