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Author
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Topic: Miscellaneous - Don't Know Where to Put It.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-07-2002 12:14 PM
Rated PG ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
An Italian, a Frenchman and a Mexican went for a job interview.
Before the interview, they were told that they must compose a
sentence in English with three main words: green, pink and yellow.
The Italian was first: "I wake up in the morning, I see the yellow sun, I see the green grass and I think to myself, I hope it will be a pink day."
The Frenchman was next: "I wake up in the morning, I eat a yellow banana, a green pepper and in the evening I watch the pink panther on TV."
Last was the Spanish:"I wake up in the morning, I hear the phone "green... green...", I pink up the phone and I say Yellow? ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-09-2002 06:46 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, the other four. The nine-year-old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for checkout.
The cashier asks, "Oh, these must be for your Mom, huh?"
The nine-year-old shakes his head and replies, "Nope, not for my Mom."
The cashier tries again. "Well, they must be for your sister then?"
Nine-year-old: "Nope, not for my sister either."
The cashier is really curious now. "If they're not for your Mom and not for your sister, who are they for?"
The nine-year-old says, "They're for my four-year old brother."
Surprised, the cashier asks, "Your little brother right here?"
The nine-year-old explains, "Well, yeah! They say on TV if you wear one ofthese, you can swim or ride a bike, and my little brother can't do either!"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-09-2002 10:26 AM
Rated PG
A Hiking Expedition
When I was 12 years old, my family and I traveled to the Breaks Interstate Park in eastern Kentucky for our family reunion. There were many hiking trails traversing the face of the mountain on which the park was located, and being a very adventurous boy, I craved to explore them.
All day, I pleaded with my Mom to let me range over the trails, and eventually, I convinced her; she said I could go with the exception that I take someone else with me. Quickly, I found my 11-year-old cousin, Summer,who also was very curious about the trails.Around six o'clock, we set out from the shelter house on
a route that I had carefully planned.
Summer and I were extremely glad to get away from the shelter house where all there was to do was watch our dads play horse shoes, listen to the temper tantrums of our little baby cousins, and watch our grandpa spit tobacco juice.Also, we were glad to get away from our step-grandmother Marie, whom we called Grannie Loud, for she had a horrifyingly loud voice, and would always scream at us to stop doing everything,for everything we did annoyed her.This excursion was our only chance of escape from her almost unceasing ridicule.
Taking in the fresh air and beautiful scenery, we ran for the first 300 yards or so down the Laurel Branch Trail along Laurel Lake. Summer started to fall behind, and I heard her yell, "Hey, wait up! You want me to get lost?"
"Sorry," I slowed down, "I'm just eager to get out of Granny Loud's hearing range!"
"Yea, she started yellin' at me for swattin' a fly near her plate.Can you believe that witch?"
After catching up she stopped,"Hey, do you know where the hell we're goin'?"
"Here's a map." I handed it to her, "I marked our course in yellow."
"This is gonna take the whole damn day." She complained, after looking at it.
"Oh, you're just a big baby.This is the course I'm takin', and if you don't want to follow me, then you can go back to Granny Loud and keep her company!"
"No way! I'd rather get lost or get bit by a poisonous snake!"
After about an hour we made our way, talking and laughing, down to the very base of the mountain where the Hellier River swiftly ran in front of us. A fallen log became a welcomed seat where we rested our knees, sore from the constant downhill walking.
"It's startin' to get dark, John, maybe we'd better go back the way we came instead of followin' the path on round like you'd planned." Summer suggested.
"It's no further either way now; we're right in the middle, an' I really wanted to go on the Prospector's Trail."
"Alright, but I'm gettin' tired. I don't know how much longer I can go on.Plus, we hafta go all the way back up the damn mountain!"
"Well, we'd better start right now, cause the sun will be settin' behind the mountains soon."We got up."I heard snakes like to come out when it's darker!"
"Shut up you asshole; I'm already scared enough!Oh, dammit, I twisted my ankle!"
"Can you walk"
"Yea,I guess.But it still hurts like hell."
We started on our path and came to a place where it was grown over with a bunch of weeds. The whole time we had been following the paths clearly marked by symbols painted on every other tree. But now,there weren't any trees or symbols.We panicked.
"Where in the hell is a stupid marker!I don't wanna get lost!" She screamed, "I"m tired and hungry, it's gettin' dark, and I don't wanna get bitten by no damn snake!"
I tried to calm her down, "Let's just go back the way we came. I don't wanna get lost any more than you do."
We retraced our steps back to the path and then painstakingly ran back up the mountain.Growing darker and darker with every minute, we quickened our pace stumbling over small rocks, getting hit in the face with branches, and living in constant fear of losing our way.
"I can't run any further."Summer stopped when we were half way up the mountain,"I might have an asthma attack!"
"Why the hell didn't you tell me you had asthma!"I shrieked, "We have to get back there before it gets too dark and we lose our way! Dammit, don't stop now!:
We trudged up another 50 yards when Summer had to stop again.
"I'll carry your fat ass if I have to!Get movin'!" I screamed, breaking out in a cold sweat.
In despair,we finally dragged ourselves up to the top of the
mountain.It was very dark now, and we still had over a mile to
go;however,the path here was well worn and easy to follow and,
feeling relieved, we were in a good enough mood to joke.
"What would happen if we were to get lost in these crappy
woods for days?"Summer asked.
"Yea, and what if Granny Loud was to find us?I can see the headlines now,"Kids lost in woods for days only to be found and beaten to death by vicious grandmother!"
To this,we both laughed.We felt better and had practically forgotten all of our fears.
At last, we made it to the shelter house, where we saw only my sister, Andrea, and cousin, Jamie.Everyone else had gone to the
amphitheater to listen to the gospel music.
"Granny's lookin' for ya."Andrea called out upon seeing
us."She said she's gonna whip you till you couldn't sit for a week!"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-09-2002 08:16 PM
Rated PG
GUN REFRESHER COURSE
a.. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.
b.. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.
c.. Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
d.. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
e.. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
f.. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.
g.. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.
h.. If you don't know your rights you don't have any.
i.. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.
j.. The United States Constitution (c) 1791. All Rights Reserved.
k.. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand?
l.. The Second Amendment is in place in case they ignore the others.
m.. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.
n.. Guns only have two enemies: Rust and Politicians.
o.. Know guns, know peace and safety. No guns, no peace nor safety.
p.. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
q.. 911 - government sponsored Dial a Prayer.
r.. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
s.. Criminals love gun control - it makes their jobs safer.
t.. If Guns cause Crime, then Matches cause Arson.
u.. Only a government that is afraid of it's citizens try to control them.
v.. You only have the rights you are willing to fight for.
w.. Enforce the "gun control laws" in place, don't make more.
x.. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.
y.. The American Revolution would never have happened with Gun Control.
z. "...a government by the people, for the people..."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-10-2002 08:42 AM
Rated G
Stupid Things Actually Said By Commentators In The World Of Soccer
1. Well, it's Liverpool two, Ipswich nil, and if the score stays this way, I've got to fancy Liverpool for the win.
2. He had an eternity to play that ball, but took too long.
3. And so they have not been able to improve on their 100% record.
4. With the last kick of the game, he scored with a header.
5. Well, it's a fabulous kaleidoscope of colour: almost all theBrazilians are wearing yellow shirts.
6. If that had gone on, it would definitely have been a goal.
7. Their manager, Howard Wilkinson, isn't here today, which strongly suggests that he may be elsewhere.
8. I am a firm believer that if one team scores a goal, the other need to score two to win.
9. If a team scores early on, it often takes an early lead.
10. You cannot possibly have counted the number of passes made, but there were eight.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-10-2002 10:14 PM
Rated G
I wish I would hear these words...often!
Try to gain a few pounds.
You're flossing too much.
It was only a loose wire; there's no charge.
You can retire right now.
I think you need a smaller size, Ma'am.
Let's go to lunch. I'll treat.
I found this hundred-dollar bill right at your feet.It must be yours.
No, Sir, I'm not a telemarketer. I'm with the prize division, and you've just won a new car.
No, I don't think we should get married. In fact,let's keep separate residences. I'll pay all the bills for both of them.
No, Honey, you control the remote tonight. It's too big a burden on me.
I'm with the IRS. We found an error on your return.It seems we owe you a lot of money.
No, your check didn't bounce. In fact, you have plenty of money in your account.
I know we just met, but would you consider going to the Bahamas with me for two weeks?
You've lost weight!
Your house sold for twice what you thought it would!
This is not something for the garage sale. This is a rare and valuable antique!
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-11-2002 08:10 AM
Rated G
Club Patrons
CAPTAIN WORKOUT
This guy spends all week in the gym and needs little or no reason to wear his skin tight shirt you can see his heart beating and parade's around the club like Mr. Universe.
SHAMALEKA SPANDEX
You know her . . . 300 lbs. size 48, buys a size 6 red and yellow
Spandex outfit.To the horror of others,she wears it to the club.
JOHNNY ONEDRINK
Takes three hours to finish one drink, then tries to fool everyone for another hour with a glass full of ice water & a straw. Has $3.50 in his pocket and a token.
THE O.G.'s
Stands for "Old Guys". These guys just can't get over the fact that they are TOO OLD to be at the club. Their clubbing days are so far behind them their kids can legally buy alcohol. They try to be down with the younger generation by wearing gold fronts and try to speak slang using phrases like "What's up money!" and "That's fresh!"
THE OOOH GIRL
She's that girl that's basically doing the two step dance, until her song comes on and she screams to her girl friends, "OOOH GIRL, THAT'S MY SONG!!!" From this point on it's shake what your mamma gave ya and she will dance with what ever is in front of her,guy, girl, bar, wall, speakers, etc.
WASTE OF TIME WILLY
This is the one that buys a new outfit for the club; travels miles from home, at night to the club; pays $15.00 to get in the club; and when he's finally in the club he just stands against the wall sipping on a cup of Pepsi fronting like it's rum-n-coke.
BILLBOARD BILLY
Stepped out of the latest rap video, he feels the need to let
everyone in the club know what name brand designer clothing he's
wearing, down to his socks because he must have that one pant leg up. It may be pitch black in the club, but he's got $300 Versace sunglasses on. He's also the one making a call from the noisy dance floor on his cell phone, with a bottle of MOET (with the label facing outward so everyone can see)in his other hand...
TAKIANNA & LAQUITA
The female equivalent of Siskel & Ebert, but they don't review
movies. They notice everything from head to toe... Also known for
staring people down for long periods of time! Those are
fake!" "Assa Grande!!" His baby mamma must dress him."
THE 1st AND 15th POSSE
We only see them in the club around these dates...
TOUCHY FEELY TYRONE
He's the guy that loves to walk all over the club when it's
crowded squeezing through girls and getting his free feels.
ROBIN LEECH
Not the TV host. She has no money, but somehow gets some sucker
to buy her drinks all night---usually BILLBOARD BILLY (see above
for details).
LOCKDOWN LEROY
Has been in and out of jail so many times, he has no clue as to what is in or out of style. He shows up in a "Malcolm X" cap, gold fronts, an "Eight Ball" leather jacket and a silk polka dot shirt....
SHAHEENA STROBELITE & CO.
They look good in the club, but outside.....AHHH DAMN!! And I bought you, a drink!
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