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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Don't Know Where to Put It. Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-22-2002 01:06 PM                        Rated G "Mollie, how is your sister? I heard she is very ill." "Sadie, my sister is impossible. I never told you but we have been on the outs for as far as I can remember. Last Tuesday, my son begged me to see her. So,let me tell you. When I stood next to her bed, she had the nerve to say, "Mollie, I just want to let you know that if I die you're forgiven for all you've done to me. But, if I get well, things remain the same!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-22-2002 01:22 PM                        Rated G Overheard..... I used to think I was poor. Then they told me I wasn't poor, I was needy. Then they told me it was self-defeating to think of myself as needy. I was deprived. Then they told me that underprivileged was overused. I was disadvantaged. I still don't have a dime. But I have a great vocabulary.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-22-2002 07:28 PM                        Rated R THE OLD TEXAN A traveling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus banner reading: "Don't Miss The Amazing Texan." Curious, he buys a ticket.The tent goes dark.Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring.There, spot lit in the center ring is a table with three walnuts on it.Standing next to it is an old retired cowboy. Suddenly the old man unzips his pants, whips out a huge member and smashes all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupts in applause as the elderly Texan is carried off on the shoulders of the crowd. Ten years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same:"Don't Miss theAmazing Texan." He can't believe the old guy is still alive much less still doing his act!So he buys a ticket! Again,the center ring is illuminated.This time,instead of walnuts, three coconuts are placed on the table.The Texan stands before them, then suddenly unzips his fly and smashes the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd goes wild!Flabbergasted,the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible,"he tells the Texan."But I have to know something. You're older now,why switch from walnuts to coconuts?" "Well,"says the Texan:"My eyes ain't what they used to be."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-24-2002 03:01 AM                        Rated G Becky Los Angeles weatherman Fritz Coleman, after a year that included a few earthquakes, several wildfires, extreme winds, record flooding and even some funnel clouds: "California --- more than a state, it's an Acts of God Theme Park."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-24-2002 03:29 AM                        Rated G As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors. He had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet, and duvet cover, the whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors. On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor. His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends. The great day came and he went to the factory for the test-drive. Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Joe was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Joe's leg and fracturing his skull. He was so upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence. But the company would have none of it and told him there was no liability and he could get lost! You can imagine he was rather pissed off with tractors after this and vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever. All the posters came down, the toys were given away - tractors were GONE. Many years later, Joe went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own. Tears were streaming down her face. Joe asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears. With that, Joe looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke. He then walked outside into the car park and blew all the smoke out again. He went back into the bar where the air was now clear and sweet and sits down next to the girl. "That was amazing!" she said, "How did you do that?" "No problem", said Joe "I'm an extractor fan"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-25-2002 08:44 AM                        Rated PG Medieval Pick Up Lines -Hey, Princess, you wouldn't happen to know where a lonely knight could scabbard his sword, would you? -Been there, slain that. -What's a nice maiden like you doing in a dungeon like this? -They don't call me Lance-A-Lot for nothing, you know. -When the Inquisition put me on the rack, my limbs weren't the only thing they stretched. -Dost thou know? That chastity belt of yours would look great on my sleeping chambers floor. -Wench : What's that sound? -Knight : That's just the sound of my chain mail drawers expanding. -Thou hast hit on me harder than the black plague! -Your hovel or mine? -Pardon me, madam, but wouldeth thou like to see my long sword in action? -Dost thou practice safe hex? -Milady,it's not the size of the wand that matters,but the magic within. -I have the key to your chastity belt and you have the key to my heart. -You should be glad I'm not a Viking. You would have been ravaged and plundered by now. -I lost my leg in battle. Guess what I'm walking on! -Yes, fair maiden, I am indeed a wizzard. Shall I make your clothes disappear? -You won't believe this, but St George just appeared to me in a vision and told me that I must bed you ... the fate of England depends on it! -I'm really a prince cursed by an evil witch. Tell me, do you have sex with frogs? -My! But you are a beautiful damsel in distress! Allow me to help you out of it! -I've been VERY NAUGHTY. You'll have to put me in the stocks and... er...PUNISH me, now, won't you? -You know I was once imprisoned in a tower very much like Repunnzel. Only it wasn't my hair that the queen asked me to let down.I may not be a priest, but I can get you to heaven, m'lady! -C'mon sweetie, didn't your mother tell you? A cleric a day keeps the black plague away! -I seem to have lost my sex slave, can I borrow you for a bit?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-25-2002 08:47 AM                        Rated G ISOLATED LIGHTHOUSE: The two men stood on the lonely lighthouse. Through the fog they could see a small boat making its way toward them, with a lonely occupant. Suddenly a squall lifted the craft and tossed the man into the water. The two men on shore sprang into action. Hurriedly they launched their own craft and fought their way through perilous and treacherous waters to reach the man. At last they got him aboard their boat. "It's a good thing you rescued me," the dripping man said gratefully. "I was coming out to see you about your income tax."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-25-2002 09:02 AM                        Rated G "How did you like my last song?" asked the dance hall singer, as she approached a seated cowboy. "Well, ma'am," he said. "I hope it was." "Was What?", asked the singer. "Yer last song."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-25-2002 09:11 AM                        Rated G PAYING THE BILL It was after 3 a.m. in the fancy restaurant, and all the guests but one had gone home. The last guest was sleeping at his table. The cleaning lady, irritated that she was delayed in doing her job, turned to the restaurant owner."I've seen you shake the old fool and wake him up five times," she said. "Why don't you make him go home?" "Nothing doing," answered the owner cheerfully. "Every time I wake him up, he asks for his bill and pays it!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-25-2002 05:00 PM                        Rated G Texas Bob Truck driver is barreling down the freeway and sees a sign that warns of a low bridge ahead. Before he realizes it he is upon the bridge and becomes firmly stuck under it. Cars back up for miles. Finally a local police cars arrives. The cop gets out and with hands on hips surveys the situation. "Got stuck, huh" he says to the truck driver. The truck driver looks at the cop and with a straight face says, "Naw, I was delivering the bridge and ran out of gas."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-26-2002 09:21 AM                        Rated G "Well Bill, how are you getting on with trying to date that new cocktail waitress?" "Not so bad. I'm geting some encouragementnow." "Really, is she beginning to smile at you or something?" "Not exactly, but last night she said that she's said 'NO' for the last time."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-26-2002 09:48 AM                        Rated PG SALMON MOUSSE A housewife was having several couples over for dinner that night, so she wanted to cook something special. She slaved for hours that afternoon and finally created a masterpiece. Salmon mousse. Just before her guests arrived, she caught her cat nibbling away at the dish on the dining room table. She had worked so hard that she couldn't throw the mousse away, so she smoothed it over and served it anyway. Well, the mousse was a hit. Everyone took seconds or thirds.Proudly she stood to bring the empty plate out to the kitchen and looked out the window. There, next to the house, lay her cat. Dead. She had to confess to her guests that she'd served mousse eaten by the cat and now the cat was dead. The entire dinner party rushed to the hospital to have their stomachs pumped. The housewife, who hadn't eaten any because she knew her cat had, lay in bed--mourning the passing of her cat and fearing that the same fate could befall her guests. Then, the phone rang. It was her next door neighbor who said,"I'm sorry about your cat. I should have told you that I ran her over but I was just so ashamed and saw that you had a dinner party in progress....So I just put her on your lawn."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-26-2002 10:06 AM                        Rated G Born and raised in a large city,I decided to move to a small town in New England for a change from "life in the fast lane." I didn't realise just how laid-back the rural life could be, however, until I heard my first weather forecast on a local television station. There were no maps or satellite pictures to explain weather patterns. Instead, the forecaster, a kindly older man,cheer-fully predicted, "Well, it's rain, rain and more rain! Just how much? Your guess is as good as mine. Good-night, folks."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-26-2002 10:15 AM                        Rated G Q: What is the definition of a smart ass? A: Someone who can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it is.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-26-2002 12:11 PM                        Rated X Who's The Father? A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As it made its appearance it was dark and had an afro. The doctor said, "Ma'am, have you ever slept with a black man?" She said, "Well, yes, but only once." "Once is all it takes" he replied. Then the torso appeared and it was yellow. "Ma'am, have you ever slept with an Asian man?" the doctor asked. "Well, yes" she said, "but only once." "Once is all it takes," he said. When the legs appeared they were red. The doctor asked her if she had ever slept with an Native American and she said, "only once," and he replied that that was all it took. Then the doctor held it upside down and slapped its bottom to make it cry. "Oh,thank God,"she exclaimed"at least it doesn't bark!"  |  IP: Logged

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