An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest.

No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered. It was a simpleplace ... 2 rooms with a minimum of furniture and
household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove. It was large, pot-bellied, and made of cast-iron. What was strange about it was its
location ... it was suspended in midair by wires attached to the ceiling beams.

"Fascinating," said the psychologist. "It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb."

"Nonsense!" replied the engineer. "The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin."

"With all due respect," interrupted the theologian, "I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious
symbol for centuries."

The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue.

When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy pot-bellied stove from the ceiling.

The following scenario allows you to consider the difference between the liberal and conservative point of view in the debate over the War on Terrorism.

Question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner. He runs directly at you screaming obscenities. You have your registered and licensed .357 Magnum pistol under your coat. You have a permit to carry the gun and you are an expert shot. You have but mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What would you do?

Liberal:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!Does this person look poor?

Is he oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that may have provoked the attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What do my children think?

Could I possibly use this gun as a club and knock the knife out of
his hand?

What is the law regarding this sort of situation?

Is it possible that he would stop after killing only me?

Does he really want to kill me or would he be happy to just wound
me?

If I grab him and hang on, could my family escape while he is stabbing me to death?

This is all so confusing. I need time to debate this with my friends before I can reach a conclusion.

Conservative:

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking
down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.
He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy
and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it". The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come
in.
Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
Of course the Madam said NO. He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want." Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid
the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?" He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a babysitter." After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught.
When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home.
On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, him and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and he's the son-of-a-***ch who ran over my frog!"

TO BE A DEMOCRAT

To be a Democrat, you have to believe that:

The AIDS virus is spread by a lack of funding.

Trial lawyers are selfless heroes and that doctors are overpaid.

Global temperatures are affected more by a suburban soccer mom driving an SUV than by documented, cyclical variations in the brightness and intensity of the sun.

Guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than nuclear, chemical and biological weapons in the hands of Saddam Hussein.

Businesses create oppression and government creates prosperity.

Self-esteem is more important than doing anything to earn it.

There was no art before federal funding.

The NRA is a bad organization because it stands up for certain parts of the Constitution, but the ACLU is a good organization because it stands up for certain parts of the Constitution.

Taxes are too low but ATM fees are too high.

Standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas are not.

ANY change in the weather is proof of global warming.

National wealth is determine by what we consume, not by what we produce.

The only wars in which America should become involved are those in which our national security is not at risk.

Perjury and obstruction of justice are impeachable if a Republican president commits them but a harmless, private matter if a Democrat president commits them.

America can have a strong military without spending money on it.

The way to improve public school is to give more money and power to the very people who have misused that power and money to destroy the public schools.

Hunters and fishermen do not care about the environment but pasty-faced activists that rarely venture out-of-doors do.

A bureaucrat living in Washington, D.C. can make better decisions about how to spend the money that you earn than you can.

Being a movie or television star qualifies you to speak out on public policy.

Hillary Clinton is a wonderful example for young women of feminine independence even though she has never accomplished anything worthwhile without riding on the coattails of her husband.

A handful of religious whackos living in rural Texas are more of a threat to public safety than Islamic terrorists who wish to plant bombs in major American cities.

Passing new laws are a much better way to curb crime than enforcing the existing ones.

Disaster in Mexico

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico. 150,000 Mexicans have died and over a million are injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock. Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots. The European community is sending food and money.

LOVE IS GRAND ETC.!

Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit
there.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be
changed regularly and for the same reason.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears
that this is true.

There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every
year.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that
Benjamin Franklin said it first.

It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.

I don't mind going anywhere as long as it's an interesting path.

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

Are You Suitable for Camping? Consider This!

Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping.

Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other
ear, do not go into the woods alone.

Did You Know... A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a
pup?

A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent
hockey puck.

You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then
breathing on a pile of dry sticks.

In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by
shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic
waistband of your underwear.

The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes
excellent kindling.

A large catfish can be used for a pillow.

Check the washing instructions before purchasing any apparel to be
warn camping. Buy only those that read "Beat on a rock in stream."

It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding
mountain road behind a large motor home.

Effective January 1, 2001, you will actually have to enlist in the
Swiss Army to get a Swiss Army Knife.

Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.

In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to
strangle a snoring tent mate.

Political Candidate's

Two candidates for political office inadvertently scheduled simultaneous campaign rallies in the same park of a small New England town. After a lengthy round of speeches, the candidates worked their way through the crowd -- shaking hands, kissing babies and beaming mightily. Suddenly, the skies opened and it began to rain.

One of the candidates fled to take shelter in a nearby restaurant along with half a dozen regulars. The other candidate, however, continued to move through the crowd -- shaking hands, kissing babies, etc.

"That man's persistence," observed one of the natives, "sure makes it easy to know who to vote for."

"Yep," another native agreed. "Sure can't see myself casting a vote for a man who hasn't the good sense to come in out of the rain."

"How To Have Fun With Beer Coasters"

1) Remove a beer coaster from your local bar.

2) Carefully split the beer coaster top and bottom.

3) Insert a $10 bill and reseal.

4) Return to bar.

5) Place beer coaster under glass.

6) Wait for the bar to get extremely busy.

7) Discuss in a VERY LOUD voice the adverts on TV and in the papers which says Brewery X have hidden 10 bills in their coasters.

8) Keep arguing about whether it's true or not until everyone in the bar knows what you're talking about.

9) Tear open some beer coasters; look depressed.

10) Partially tear open the one with the 10 bill in it.

11) Shout, "I've won! I've won!" and wave the tenner still wedged in the beer coaster around

SOME DEFINITIONS

AUSSIE KISS
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

BEER COAT
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.

ETCH-A-SKETCH
Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously.

MONKEY BATH
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa!Aa! Aa!".

BOBFOC
Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

BONE OF CONTENTION
A hard-on that causes an argument, e.g. one that arises when a man is watching Olympic beach volleyball on TV with his girlfriend.

The train was en route from Bangor to Portland. One of Maine's typical sons was stretched across two seats in the day-coach
contemplating the rugged scenery. At a small station another male boarded the coach. The passenger had the eager, inquiring eye and the long prehensile nose of a certain sub-species of the genus Yankee, of which he was a perfect specimen.

As he slumped down alongside the sprawling one, the newcomer spied in the rack above their heads a stout, smallish wooden box, heavily corded, with augur holes bored in the sides and ends of it. Speaking in a gorgeous Down-East drawl the inquisitive party put his first question:

"Nice day?"

"Yep," said the other.

"Goin' fur?"

"Portland."

"Portland, huh? - live thar?"

"No, visiting."

"That your box up thar?"

"Yep."

"Looks kind of solid?"

"Is."

"Looks kind of heavy, too?"

"Is."

"Got holes in it, I see?"

"Yep."

"Whut's the holes fur?"

"Air."

"Whut you need air fur?"

"So it can breathe."

"So whut kin breathe?"

"What's inside."

"Oh!...Well, whut is inside?"

"Mongoose."

"Mon which?"

"No, mongoose."

"Mongoose, heh?"

"Yep."

"Whut the heck is a mongoose?"

"Small East Indian animal."

"Slick?"

"No, furry."

"Tame?"

"Not very."

"Would it bite you?"

"In a minute."

"Whut you want with a critter like that?"

The pestered traveler straightened up.

"Well," he said, "I'll tell you. A mongoose is an animal thatlives off reptiles - snakes, lizards, toads. I've got an uncle in Portland. Fine man, respected citizen and all that, but he's got one weakness. Drinks. When he drinks he's bothered by snakes
and lizards. I'm taking the mongoose down there to eat 'em."

"Yes, but gosh! Them varmints he sees is imaginary snakes!"

"Well, this is an imaginary mongoose."

One evening, while sitting by their camp fire, a wise old Indian Chief told his grandson about a great battle that was going on inside himself,and also,inside his little grandson.

He said,"My son, a battle rages within each of us; it is between two wolves.

One is Evil:Anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.

While the other is Good: Joy, peace, love, hope, patience, serenity, humility, kindness, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith."

"Which one wins?" asked the grandson.

The old Indian Chief simply replied, "The one I feed."

I'M A NUTRITIONAL OVERACHIEVER & MORE!

I don't get even, I get odder.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.

I am a nutritional overachiever

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I am having an out of money experience.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.

A day without sunshine is like night.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I take something for it.

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

I am not a perfectionist. My parents were, though.

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but
eventually you find a hair stylist you like.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair
that you once got from a roller coaster.

One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make you gain
five pounds.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the
right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting
moment.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. 

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad.  Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says. 

"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock. 

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.  And, if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot.  And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.  "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

On a visit to the library I happened to notice a man and a woman, both deaf, signing with intense gestures, apparently in a heated debate.

The man said something, and the woman seemed upset. She started signing her reply very fast, to the point where the man couldn't understand a word; she also signed in big, wide gestures, which is the equivalent of volume.