A tired traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very tired after a long day's trip he asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby.

He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.

"Fancy meeting my `wife' here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room for the night."

Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here one night!"

"Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks."

Q: "Are you chewing gum?"
A: "No, I'm John Smith."

Q: I want to buy a dress to put on around the house?"
A: "Yes Madam, How large is your house?"

Q: "What are you going to be ,when you graduate?"
A: "An old man."

Q: "I spent Three years in college, taking medicine/"
A: "Are you well now?"

THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD SAY AT THE OFFICE

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited you again.

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your
mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. It means you're stupid and cannot communicate with people.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

20. I'm not being rude...you're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of karma to burn off.

23. And your crybaby whiny butt opinion would be....?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for...you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder...I see my work here is done.

37. How do I set my laser printer to stun

38. Do you find it difficult to breathe with your head up you butt?

There were these two not so bright guys who had to get across the desert.

Since they didn't have enough money for a car, they decided to buy a camel.The camel dealer promised them that the camel would get them across the desert if they made sure he was full of water before they left.

They took the camel down to the watering hole, but the camel would not drink.So finally the first guy says; " I have an idea. Why don't I hold his head down in the water, and you suck on his butt. That way the water will be drawn up into him like a straw."

The second guy thought about this for a while and finally agreed.

The Italian says, "Consider the phrase, 'I love you.'In Italian, it is: 'Ti amo'. What a lovely sound!"

The French guy says, "True, but in French it is: 'Je t'adore'.An even more beautiful sound!"

A member of the Country Club asked the lifeguard how he might go about teaching a young lady to swim.

"It takes considerable time and technique." replied the guard. "First you must take her into the water, then place one arm about her waist, hold her tightly, then take her right arm and raise it very slowly..."

"This is certainly most helpful." said the member. "I know that my sister will appreciate it."

"Your sister?" said the lifeguard."In that case, just push her into the deep end of the pool. She'll learn in a hurry."

Yassir Arafat is in his office, alone, when his bodyguards hear a loud explosion inside his office.Rushing in, they see him on the floor, face bloodied.

They ask, "What happened, Mr. Chairman?"

"A letter bomb," exclaimed the injured Arafat.

"But a letter bomb would have wounded your hands, not your mouth," replied one of his experienced men.

Diary of a Smoker-Quitting This Sucks

Day One: Shit.

Day One again only the next day:

Have tried to kill husband twice. Decide against washing dishes as always have cigarette when done. Same for bathroom. Am suddenly thinking this has upside. Eating dried fruit, apricots, pears, and brown things that look like squished roaches, which remind me of doobie roaches, which remind me of cigarettes. Watch husband light a cigarette; look at him pitifully. Eat leftover beans from last night - that'll show him. Walk by computer and wave occasionally. Can't sit and write or surf as this has been main smoking area. It's about four-o' clock now; I could have just one, I could have just one, I could have just one. That's Mr. Nicotine. He lives with me; 'he' could be a chick, but frankly, right now, I don't frigging care. Decide to play fantasy game on Playstation. Spend next three hours breeding Chocobos so game hero can save world. World doomed in my opinion.

Day two, morning:

Woke up two hours earlier than usual. Great; two extra hours of fencing practice with the RJ Reynolds Company and spawn. Seriously considering finding some hallucinogens as never had desire for nicotine during a really good walk through a wall. Woke up six times during night to pee because I drank four gallons of water "to assist my system flush poison." Am feeling unusually testy as result of lack of sleep and deep-seated oral fixation fantasies. Decide to either kill or have sex with mail carrier when post arrives. Probably both.

Day 2, afternoon:

See husband off to airport for business trip. Clean closets. Nothing new in mail. Did all laundry out of necessity - body of dead mail carrier would not fit in dryer otherwise. Put in extra dryer sheets (Arm and Hammer, biodegradable.)Decide to take walk. Meet neighbor who asks if mail came yet. She is smoking a cigarette. I tell her no out of spite.

Day 3, morning:

Go through dead man's mail bag; keep catalogues for joyous Christmas shopping. Feed rest down garbage disposal.

Day 3, Afternoon:

Call garbage disposal repair.

Day 4: Receive visitor.

Police looking for missing mail carrier - received anonymous tip from garbage disposal repair person. Make coffee and offer fat-free cookies and dried fruit. Arrange dried fruit to make smiley faces on plate. Police officer asks if I mind if he smokes.Burst in to tears. Confess.

Day 472:

Sentenced to death in murder of Postal Employee. (Federal crime.)

Day 478:

Beaten by seven large women in prison for having no cigarettes to trade. Able to sing better now; make up prison blues songs.

Day 552:

Receive divorce papers: husband marrying tobacco heiress. Cell-mate offers to have ex husband whacked. Wants twelve cartons of cigarettes and one pair Doc Marten boots. Decide husband will live as price too steep.

Day 558:
Secure two cartons of cigarettes for payment to cell-mate to have defense attorney whacked. Feel better.

Day 691:
Served last meal - minister asks if anything wanted at last moments. Think back to how good cigarette after meals used to be. Request one last smoke. Minister reluctant, no smoking in federal building, but sneaks one in. Sit back, relax, smoke. Ahhhhh. Feel slightly dizzy, giddy, euphoric. Warden enters cell excitedly; Governor issues full pardon due to new Federal "It Takes a Village" crimes statute: allows for defense appeal of insanity by reason of severe nicotine withdrawal.

Two Columbia Yuppies, neighbors for years, were constantly trying to "out-status" each other,The first man mentioned that his daughter had just been accepted at Vassar.

"That's nice," replied the other,"but the main thing the girls really learn there is fornication."

The first man became irate and said, "I'll have you know my wife attended Vassar!"

The neighbor smiled and said,"Take it from me pal, she certainly
could use a refresher course."

Al Gore Chooses Fitness Guru Richard Simmons as Running Mate
WASHINGTON, DC (AheadofNews.com)

- Al Gore surprised even his close friends and supporters by announcing today that famed fitness consultant Richard Simmons would be his running mate for the 2004 USA presidential election.

Mr. Gore, gasping in the midst of Simmons' aerobics class, said "Last time, everyone kept talking about my weight, and how 'stiff' I was.

Well this time,it's going to be different." Both men then grinned at each otherand pumped their fists in the air, shouting "Let's Get America Moving".

Poll Finds People Are Smarter Than Neighbors

LOS ANGELES, CA (AheadofNews.com) -

A recent national poll found that 82 percent of people are smarter than their neighbors. Only 5 percent of the 5,000 randomly selected respondents said that they were less intelligent than their neighbors, while 13 percent "weren't quite sure".

Bob Ubah of Salt Lake City, Utah, explained his answer: "I may not be the sharpest tack in the box, but compared to Hank over there, I'm a damn Einstein."

The government will be requiring new food labels that are more specific.

STOCK VS. BEER

If you bought $1000.00 worth of NORTEL stock one year ago, it would be worth $49.00

If you bought $1000.00 worth of ENRON stock one year ago, it would
be worth $16.50

If you bought $1000.00 worth of WORLDCOM(MCI) stock one year ago,
it would be worth $4.96

If you bought $1000.00 worth of BUDWISER the beer not the stock...
one year ago drank all the beer and turned in the cans for the
deposit, you would have $214.00

Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.One says,
"It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26!

What kind of a wedding is that?"

The other says,"Well,we have a name for it in my family."

"What do you call it?"

"We call it a football wedding."

The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"