Funny Names A-J

There is nothing better at 5pm on a Friday afternoon, than to call up the airport and have one of these names paged...

Aaron Thetires (Air in the Tires)
Abe Rudder (Hey Brother)
Abbie Birthday (Happy Birthday)
Abel N. Willan (Able and Willing)
Achilles Punks (I'll Kill These Punks)
Adam Bomb (Atom Bomb)
Adam Meway (Out of My Way)
Adam Sapple (Adam's Apple)
Adolf Oliver Nippils (Ate Off All Of Her Nipples)
Al B. Zienya (I'll Be Seeing You)
Al DePantzeu (I'll De-Pants You)
Al Gore-Rythim (Algorithym)
Al Kaholic (Alcoholic)
Al Kaseltzer (Alkaseltzer)
Al Kickurass (I'll Kick Your Ass)
Al Killeu (I'll Kill You)
Al Luminum (Aluminum)
Al Nino (El Nino)
Al O'Moaney (Alimony)
Alpha Kenny Wun (I'll Fuck Anyone)
Alec Tricity (Electricity)
Alex Blaine Layder (I'll Explain Later)
Alf Abet (Alphabet)
Ali Gator (Ali Gator)
Allota Fagina (A lot of vagina)
Amanda B. Recandwithe (A Man to Be Reckoned With)
Amanda Lay (A Man To Lay)
Amanda Hugnkiss (A Man to Hug and Kiss)
Andy Gravity (Anti-Gravity)
Andy Structible (Indestructible)
Anita Cock (I need a cock)
Anita Bath (I Need A Bath)
Anita Hoare (I Need A Whore)
Ann B. Dextrous (Ambidextrous)
Ann Chovie (Anchovy)
Ann Tartica (Antartica)
Anna Linjection (Anal Injection)
Anna Mull (Animal)
Anna Rexiya (Anorexia)
Anne T. Lope (Antelope)
Annie Buddyhome (Anybody Home)
Annie Mah (Enema)
Ariel Hassle (A Real Hassle)
Artie Choke (Artichoke)
Aunty Biotic (Anti-Biotic)
Ayma Dommy (I'm A Dummy)
Ayma Moron (I'm a Moron)

Barb Dwyer (Barbed Wire)
Barb E. Cue (Barbecue)
Barry D'Alive (Buried Alive)
Barry D. Hatchett (Bury the Hatchett)
Barry Shmelly (Very Smelly)
Bart Ender (Bartender)
Bea O'Problem (B.O. Problem)
Bea Sting (Bee Sting)
Beau Vine (Bovine)
Ben Crobbery (Bank Robbery)
Ben Dover (Bend Over)
Ben O'Drill (Benadryl)
Ben Thair (Been There)
Ben Lyon (Been lieing)
Bess Twishes (Best Wishes)
Betty Bangzer (Bet He Bangs Her)
Betty Beatzer (Bet He Beats Her)
Betty Humpser (Bet He Humps Her)
Bill Board (Billboard)
Bill Ding (Building)
Bill Leeake (Belly Ache)
Bill Lowney (Bologna)
Bjorn Free (Born Free)
Bo Nessround (Bonus Round)
Bob Frapples (Bob for Apples)
Bowen Arrow (Bow and Arrow)
Boyd Schidt (Bird Shit)
Brice Tagg (Price Tag)
Brighton Early (Bright and Early)
Brook Lynn Bridge (Brooklyn Bridge)
Bud Weiser (Budweiser)
Burnedette Down (Burnt it Down)
Buster Cherry (Bust her Cherry)
Buster Hymen (Bust her Hymen)

Cal Culator (Calculator...duh)
Cal Efornia (California)
Cal Seeium (Calcium)
Candice B. DePlace (Can This Be The Place)
Candice B. Fureal (Can This Be For Real)
Carl Arm (Car Alarm)
Carlotta Tendant (Car Lot Attendant)
Carra S. Midown (Caress Me Down)
Carrie DeKoffin (Carry the Coffin)
Carrie Oakey (Karaoke)
Carson O. Gin (Carcinogen)
Casey Deeya (Quesadilla)
Casey Needzit (In Case He Needs It)
Chad Terbocks (Chatterbox)
Chanda Lear (Chandalear)
Chi Spurger (Cheeseburger)
Chris Ko (Crisco)
Chris Mass (Christmas)
Chris P. Nugget (Crispy Nugget)
Chuck Mysak (Chuck My Sack)
Chuck Roast (Hmmm...Chuck Roast?)
Claire DeAir (Clear the Air)
Clara Nett (Clarinet)
Clara Sabell (Clear as a Bell)
Claude N. Skretchem (Clawed and Scratched Them)
Clint Toris (Clitoris)
Cody Pendant (Co-Dependant)
Cole Kutz (Cold cuts) See
Colette A. Day
Colin Allcars (Calling all Cars)
Colleen Cardd (Calling Card)
Connie Lingus (Cunnilingus)
Craig Potz (Crackpots)
Craven Moorehead (Craving More Head)
Crystal Ball (Crystal Ball)
Curt N. Rodd (Curtain Rod)
Curt Zee (Curtsy)
Cy Burns (Sideburns)
Cy Kosis (Psychosis)

Dale E. Bread (Daily Bread)
Dan D. Lyon (Dandelion)
Dan Druff (Dandruff)
Dan Geruss (Dangerous)
Dan Gleebitz (Dangly Bits)
Danielle Soloud (Don't Yell So Loud)
Darius Lesgettham (There He Is, Let's Get Him)
Darrell B. Moore (There'll be More)
Daryl Lect (Derelict)
Dawn Keebals (Donkey Balls)
Dee Capitated (Decapitated)
Dee Faced (Defaced)
Dee Sember (December)
Dennis Toffice (Dentist Office)
Denny Juan Heredatt (Did Anyone Hear That?)
Des Buratto (Desperado)
Diane Toluvia (Dyin' to Love Ya)
Di O'Bolic (Diobolic)
Dick Cumoff (Dick Come Off)
Dick Gozinia (Dick Goes In Ya)
Dick Head (Uhhh...Dick Head)
Dick N. Cider (Dick Inside Her)
Dick Zucker (Dick Sucker...You Know Who You Are)
Dick Tater (Dictator)
Didi Reelydoit (Did He Really Do It?)
Dinah Sore (Dinosaur)
Doll R. Bill...(Dollar Bill)
Don Thatt (Done That)
Doug Graves (Dug Graves)
Douglas S. Halfempty (The Glass is Half Empty)
Drew Blood (Drew Blood)
Drew Peacock (Droopy Cock)
Duane DeVane (Drain the Vain)
Dustin D. Furniture (Dusting the Furniture)
Dwayne Pipes (Drain Pipes)
Dylan Weed (Dealin' Weed)

Earl E. Byrd (Early Bird)
Eda Dick (Eat a dick)
Ed Ible (Edible)
Ed Jewcation (Education)
Ed Venture (Adventure)
Eileen Dover (I Leaned Over)
Ella Vader (Elevator)
Elle O'Quent (Eloquent)
Ellie Noise (Illinois)
Ellis Dee (L.S.D)
Elmer Sklue (Elmer's Glue)
Emma Roids (Hemorrhoids)
Eric Shun (Erection)
Evan Lee Arps (Heavenly Harps)
Evans Gayte (Heavan's Gate)
Eve Hill (Evil)
Eve Ning (Evening)
Eve O'Lution (Evolution)
Ewan Whatarmy (You and What Army?)

Faye Kinnitt (Faking It)
Faye Slift (Face Lift)
Faye Tallity (Fatality)
Fletcher Bisceps (Flex Your Bisceps)
Frank Furter (Frankfurter)
Freida Convict (Free the Convict)
Frank N. Stein (Frankenstein)

Gabe Asher (Gay Basher)
Gabe Barr (Gay Bar)
Gene E. Yuss (Genius)
Gene Poole (Gene Pool)
Ginger Vitis (Gingervitis)
Gil T. Azell (Guilty as Hell)
Gladys Eeya (Glad to See Ya)
Gus Comzadia (Gas Comes Outta Ya)
Gus Tofwin (Gust of Wind)

Hal E. Luya (Hallelujah)
Hal Jalikakick (How'd ya like a kick)
Hammond Eggs (Ham and Eggs)
Hank E. Panky (Hanky Panky)
Harmon Ikka (Harmonica)
Harris Mint (Harassment)
Harrison Fire (Hair is on Fire)
Harry Balzac (Hairy Ball Sack)
Harry Weiner (Hairy Wiener)
Hayden Seek (Hide & Seek)
Haywood Jablowme (Hey, Would You Blow Me?)
Haywood Jashootmee (Hey Would You Shoot Me?)
Hein Noon (High Noon)
Helen Back (Hell and Back)
Helena Hanbaskett (Hell In A Hand Basket)
Henador Titzhoff (He Gnawed Her Tits Off)
Herbie Hind (Her Behind)
Herb E. Side (Herbiside)
Herbie Voor (Herbivore)
Holden Mcgroin (Holding My Groin)
Holly Dayin (Holiday Inn)
Holly Wood (Hollywood)
Homan Provement (Home Improvent)
Homer Sexual (Homosexual)
Howard I. No (How Would I Know?)
Howe D. Pardner (Howdy Partner)
Hu Flung Pu (Who Flung Poo?)
Huang Annsaw (Wrong Answer)
Hugh Beeotch (You Bitch)
Hugh deMann (You Da Man!)
Hugh G. Rection (Huge Erection)
Hugh Jass (Huge Ass)
Hugh Mungous (Humungous)
Hugo First (You Go First)
Hy Gene (Hygiene)

Ida Hoe (Idaho)
Ida Whana (I Don't Want to)
Igor Beaver (Eager Beaver)
Ilene Dover (I Leaned Over)
Ima B. Leever (I'm A Believer)
I.P. Freehly (I Pee Freely)
Ira Fuse (I Refuse)
I. Ron Stomach (Iron Stomach)
Ivana Humpalot (I Want to Hump A Lot)
Ivan Itchinanus (I Hate an Itching Anus)
Ivana Kutchukokoff (I Wanna Cut Your Cock Off)
Ivana Tinkle ( I Want to Tinkle)
Izzy Backyet (Is He Back Yet?)
Izzy Cumming (Is He Cumming)

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop, "About two hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop full of customers, "About two hours."

The guy leaves.

A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."

A little while later, Bill comes into the shop laughing hysterically.

"Were did he go when he left here?" the barber asks.

Pick Up Lines

If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?

I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.

If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!

How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?

I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.

My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fuck.

Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!!!!!

If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays?

You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!

Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.

Can I touch your belly button . . . from the inside?

I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69?

How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll put my head in.

If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?

I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.

If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!

How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?

I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.

My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fuck.

Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!!!!!

If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays?

You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!

Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.

Can I touch your belly button . . . from the inside?

I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69?

New FDA Alcohol Warnings for Booze Bottles

Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a loser.

Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again.

Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

Consumption of alcohol may convince you that your ex is really dying to hear from you at 4 am.

Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).

Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that you're tougher than a really big guy named Kong.

Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small... or large gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

An Avon Lady was delivering products in a high-rise and was riding in the elevator. Suddenly, she had the powerful urge to fart. Since no one was in the elevator, she let it go - and it was a doozy.

Of course, the elevator then stopped at the next floor, so she quickly used some Avon Pine-Scented Spray to cover up the smell. A man entered the elevator and immediately made a face.

"Holy cow! What's that smell?"

"I don't know, sir. I don't smell anything. What does it smell like to you?"

How to get rid of your date-fast!

Have a horrible date you JUST can't get out of? Realize mid-date that this guy/girl is the mayor of Loserville? Rather than simply ordering expensive food, use one of these steps and you'll never see them again...

*1* Guard your plate with fork and knife and act like you'll stab anyone who reaches for it, including the waiter.

*2* Collect salt shakers from all the tables in the restaurant and balance them in tower formation on your table.

*3* Wipe your nose on your date's sleeves. Twice.

*4* Make faces at other patrons, and then sneer at their reactions

*5* Repeat every third third word you say say.

*6* Read a newspaper during the meal, ignoring your date.

*7* Stare at your date's neck and grind your teeth. Ask if he's a slayer.

*8* Twitch spastically. If he/she asks about it, pretend you don't know what he/she is talking about.

*9* Every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched while making airplane sounds.

*10* Order a bucket of lard.

*11* Ask for crayons to color the placemat (This is especially fun if it is a fancy restaurant with linen tablecloths).

*12* When ordering, inquire if the restaurant has any live food.

*13* Without asking, eat off of your date's plate.

*14* Drool.

*15* Talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.

*16* Scarf down everything on your plate in 30 seconds or less. When you suceed chest bump the nearest waiter. If you don't, insist your date order you another meal so you can try again (and again).

*17* Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go to the hostess and ask for another table. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you ask him/her "What took you so long in the restroom?"

*18* Ask the people at the next table if you can taste their food.

*19* Beg your date to get your name tatooed on his/her bicep. (works best if this is a first and/or blind date)

*20* Order something NASTY for your date. Act offended when he/she refuses to eat it.

*21* Ask for a seat away from the windows where you can have a good view of all exits and keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.

*22* Lick your plate. Offer to lick your date's.

*23* Hum. Loudly. In monotone.

*24* Fill your pockets with sugar packets, salt/pepper shakers,silverware, floral arrangements- anything that isn't that isn't bolted down.

*25* Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.

*26* Order a baked potato as a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes and ask the waiter for the potato you never got. When the waiter returns, have the first one back on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.

*27* Throughout the meal, speak in pig-latin or any foreign language you know and they don't.

*28* Take a bathroom break. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear onto one of the chairs. Say they need airing out.

*29* Bring 20 candles with you. During the meal, arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.

*30* Order your foods by colors and textures. Sculpt.

*31* Insist the waiter cut your food into tiny pieces.

*32* Accuse your date of espionage.

*33* Don't use any verbs throughout the entire meal.

*34* Break wind loudly. Add commentary. Bow.

*35* Feed imaginary friends, or bring dolls and feed them.

*36* Shoot hoops into his water glass using shrimp, mints or anything small

*37* Every time your date opens his/her mouth, interrupt and start a new conversation

*38* Belch and score it on the Richter Scale

*39* After kissing him, explain that your doing a study on the spread of mono.

A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, "I", then at his knee, meaning, "need", then he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, "handsaw".

The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate.

The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, ''What the hell is wrong with you!?! Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!''

A young black man died and appeared at the Pearly Gates only to be told "You can't come in here!"

"Why not?" He demanded to know.

"Because this place is reserved for the bravest of the brave."

"Well Hell," he says. "I'm one of the bravest men that have ever lived!"

"Oh yeah! What did you ever do that was so brave?"

"I married a white girl on the courthouse steps in Hattiesburg, Mississippi!"

"Wow! That really was brave. When did you do that?"

The Will

Michael Jones was a 61 year old man who died in his sleep. He was a piece loving man. He always tried to keep the family from falling apart. He was very wealthy. Before he died he promised good fortune to his family in his will.

His friends and family gathered together to read the will:

To my son John. Whom i love dearly. But do not trust with shit. Give him my jewels. So maybe he'll stop stealing other peoples.

To my daughter Jessica. Give her a thousand dollars of my money. She'll just smoke it up on drugs. The damn druggie. When will you learn.

To my grand baby Tee Tee. Give her a scholarship to any college in the world that she wants to go to and nothing more because she might just end like her mother. A druggie.

My loving wife. Give her shit on a platter. The cheating bitch. Get her out of my house at once.

How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Did you see President Bush throw out the first pitch of game two of the World Series? The White House said it was a strike. The Taliban said it missed and killed several innocent people."
-David Letterman

"There are now rumors that the Taliban has been poisoning the food we have been dropping. We should make a deal with the people of Afghanistan. We'll taste your food, you check our mail."
-Jay Leno

President Bush announced twice last week he does not have anthrax. Remember the good old days when the only thing we worried about the president catching was herpes."
-Jay Leno

Today, down in Washington, the FBI stopped a heavyset, unemployed bearded guy. Turned out to be Al Gore." -
-David Letterman

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said this week there's a good chance we'll never get bin Laden. bin Laden! We couldn't even get O.J.!"
-Jay Leno

I went to see that movie 'From Hell,' or as Osama bin Laden calls it Roots.
-Jay Leno

I'm having a pretty good day so far. Got up early - took my cipro.Then I irradiated my mail and I'm good to go. I'm telling you, even if people sent me mail, I wouldn't be opening it now. Don't kid yourself, that e-mail isn't safe either. I turned on AOL today and that guy came on and said 'Welcome, you've got anthrax.'"
-David Letterman

Do you remember the good ol' days when Congress was only unsafe if you were an intern."
-David Letterman

Big sports news today. New world record in the 100-yard dash. It was set by 435 congressmen running from the Capitol."
-Jay Leno

The big question now is who will take power in Afghanistan once the Taliban is defeated. I was thinking, how about Al Gore? He's not doing anything, he needs a job, and he's already got the beard."
-Jay Leno.

Know what the Taliban leaders like to do for fun? Just sit around and get bombed."
-Jay Leno

Somebody said, 'What good will it do to kill Osama bin Laden?' I said, I don't know, let's find out.'"
-Don Imus

You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally,but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and hese people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster n charge of immigration." -
-Jay Leno

We are getting more and more insight into the life of Osama bin Laden. Today the Saudi Arabian ambassador to the United States said that bin Laden had an unhappy childhood growing up, 52 brothers and sisters. You think his childhood was unhappy, wait 'til we deliver his mid-life crisis."
-JayLeno

AFGHANISTAN TV GUIDE

MONDAYS:
8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"
9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
10:00 - "Allah McBeal"

TUESDAYS:
8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune"
8:30 - "The Price is Right If Usama Says Its Right"
9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying the Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Afganistans Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"

WEDNESDAYS:
8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
8:30 - "When Northern Alliance Attack"
9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread"
9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"
10:00 - "Veilwatch"

THURSDAYS:
8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi"
8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
9:00 - "Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils"
9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"

Top 10 Party Games for People Over 50

Q. Did you hear about the dyslexic, athiest, insomniac?