2 Canadian Guys

Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder.

"I have an idea," said Mike. "I'll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder."

"What, do you think I'm stupid? I have an idea. I'll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light."

There were three explorers, hiking through what is now known as Canada.

"You know," said one of the explorers, "we should name this place we're hiking through."

"I know," said the second explorer. "We'll each pick a letter and then make a name out of that."

"Okay," said the third, "I'll go first. C, eh."

"N, eh."

"D, eh."

Bosnian Lingo

Bees Pees

Q: Where does a bee pee?

A Little Cannibalism Humor, Folks

Two Americans decide to open a bungee-jumping business in Mexico.
They set up on the square of a small village. Bob jumps, bounces at the end of the cord, and flies back up by the platform. Jeff isn't able to catch his friend, but he notices he has a few cuts and scratches.

Bob falls again, bounces, and comes back up. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, Jeff misses him. The third time it happens, Bob comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Jeff finally catches him and says, "Holy cow, what happened? Was the cord too long?"

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the
boys?"

Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys - they're
too rough."

An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to sell Viagra (illegal in Egypt) for 100 Egyptian pounds.

"No, not worth it!"

"OK, how about 50 Egyptian pounds?"

"No, not worth it!"

"OK, 20?"

"No, not worth it!"

"How about 10?"

"No, not worth it!"

"Listen, these pills cost US $10 each. How can you say they are not worth it?"

There was this American tourist in Mexico, and he was getting tired of walking around, so he went up to a donkey rental place and said, ''Can I rent a donkey?'

The guy said, "We don't call them donkeys here, we call them asses. This is the only ass I have left, and you have to scratch him when you want to make him stop."

The guy rides his ass for a while, sees a hotdog stand, and asks for a hotdog. The vendor replies, "We don't call them hotdogs here we call the wieners."

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You know you drink too much coffee when...

Juan Valdez names his mule after you.

You chew on your roommate's fingernails.

You can jump-start your car without cables.

You do twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

You can't remember your second cup.

You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

Starbucks has a mortgage on your house.

Your birthday is a national holiday in Columbia.

You don't sweat - you percolate.

Bottom 50 Celebrity Sandwiches

The Keith Richards: Smoked lungfish on a toasted English muffin

The Howard Stern: 1 cocktail weenie and 2 matzo balls in fermented tuna fish pita

The Michael Jackson: Flour-drenched pepper steak on Emmanuel Lewis bialy, with Bubbles sauce

The Ben Affleck: Dense slabs of yellow-flavored cheese and iceberg lettuce on supermarket white bread

Gwyneth Paltrow: Steamed chives and a Tic-Tac on fat-free Saltines

The Jim Carrey: Virginia baked ham and black forest ham, served between two slices of maple cured ham, with ham sauce

The Dan Quayle: Mongoloid cutlet on potatoe bread

The Homeless Dude: Half a Chicken McNugget and a shoe full of Wendy's chili served between a Big Mac bun and a chicken bone

The Woody Allen: Egg foo "young" and kosher tongue, served on a toasted plain bagel

The Martha Stewart: Rosemary-marinated boar's anus, charbroiled to perfection, on homemade nine-grain peasant waffles

The Barbara Walters: Sun-dried pheasant jerky and Revlon sauce on sourdough flatbread

The O.J. Simpson: White meat and blood sausage on a pan-seared Gucci glove

The Bette Midler: Wind beneath my road kill wings, on a toasted saccharine challah

The Mullah Omar: Mayonnaise-based gravel salad served between two semi-decayed camel hooves

The Dan Rather: Sumptuous Geritol cutlets, slathered in tangy liberal mustard and wedged between two crusty slices of Alzheimer's baguette

The Britney Spears: Pepsi-glazed baby tuna on statutory toast

The Kathie Lee Gifford: Malaysian pre-teen laborer on scallion pancake

The Sally Struthers: Bison tartare on a glazed donut

The Michael Jordan: Sliced hamlet with basketballs, baseballs, and golf balls (seasonal), on Nike bread

The Charleton Heston: Venison burger on white bread with Moses sauce and side of buckshot

The Tom Cruise: Glistening sausage, firmly wedged between hard buns

The Shannon Elizabeth: Beer-batter-fried American tomcat pie, stuffed in a cheap thong with garnish

The George Hamilton: Seared Naugahyde on toasted pumpernickel with a cocoa butter coulis

The John Malkovich: John Malkovich and John Malkovich on John Malkovich with John Malkovich and John Malkovich

The Jay Leno: Deep-fried headcheese wrapped in a heavily buttered deep dish pizza crust

The Richard Gere: Holier-than-thou Tofurky with rainforest lotus blossoms and harmony sauce on I-do-movies-about-gettin'-pussy bread

The Melanie Griffith & Antonio Banderas: Silicone injected pig lips on tobacco paella toast

The Calista Flockhart: Laxative-soaked cotton balls on transparently thin cucumber slices

The Carson Daly: Bubbalicious loaf on lip-glossed sticky buns

John Travolta: Grilled space lizard on a $20,000 bun

The Ron Jeremy: Foot-long kielbasa, comes in 1000s of buns

The Elizabeth Taylor: Open-faced mink filet on sponge cake, smothered in cubic zirconium barnaise

The Leonardo DiCaprio: Weathered veal and puffer fish on an oil-drenched croissant

The Vanna White: Whipped toothpaste and vanilla-flavored lard, gently ensconced in a delicate crepe

The Jennifer Aniston: Friendly's fries with peach Pitt gravy on the same tired old roll

The Robert Downey, Jr.: Marinated psylocibin mushrooms and methadone cheese on Spoon-cooked flatbread

The Pam Anderson: Fried mayonnaise tart with a silicone shell

The Jerry Seinfeld: Observational gefilte chutney and mullet-shaped mesh of sprouts, served in an acid-washed denim pita

The Jackie Chan: Peking duck beaten to pulp and thrown out window of moving truck, pan-friend soft "r's" wrapped in $100 bills

The Alec Baldwin: Asshole ham, asshole cheese, asshole lettuce on an asshole piece of bread

The Eminem: Blanched crawdad and collard greens on queer-bash foccacia

The Angelina Jolie: Puckered squid in mammary sauce on rice cakes

The Frank Sinatra: Pureed martini olives on communion wafers, garnished with bloody Chicklets

The Jeff Bezos: A piece of moldy lettuce wrapped in a fancy advertisement for a delicious, juicy corn beef sandwich

The Wolfgang Puck: Sliced Spam and Velveeta, smothered with Miracle Whip and nestled between two freshly toasted Berry-Berry Pop-Tarts

The George W Bush: Coca-cured armadillo wrapped in an American flag tortilla

The George Clooney: Beaver on rye

The Kate Moss: Cottage cheese and ipecac syrup on rice paper

The Bea Arthur: Potted meat and mint jelly on Matzo bread

Authentic Grafitti

Make love, not war. Hell, do both: get married!
* Women's Restroom; The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana

I've decided that to raise my grades, I must lower my standards.
* Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
* Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
* Revolution Books. New York, New York.

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
* Women's Restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.
* Men's Restroom, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

"Did you hear about the inventor who came up with a knife that would slice two loaves of bread at the same time? He sold it to a large bakery for a handsome profit.

Shortly after that he developed a knife that could slice three loaves of bread at the same time. He sold that one for an even greater profit.

Help Wanted

WANTED

A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.