Three citizens of the former Soviet Eastern Bloc - a Pole, a Czech, and a Jew - were accused of spying and were sentenced to death.

Each man was granted one last wish."I want my ashes scattered over the grave of Pilsudski," said the Pole."

I want my ashes scattered over the grave of Masaryk," said the Czech."

And I," said the Jew, "want my ashes scattered over the grave of Comrade Kosygin."

"But that's impossible," he was told. "Kosygin isn't dead yet."

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion.

Rindercella worked very hard - frubbing scloors, emptying poss pits and shivelling shot.At the end of the day she was nucking fackered.The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge and the other was called Betty Swollocks.

They were really forrible uckers and had fetty sweet.The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball but the cotton runts wouldn't let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole.She turned a pumpkin and six mite whice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks.

The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dim night otherwise there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball Rindercella was dancing with the prand some hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve... "For suck's fake!" yelled Rindercella as she ran out, tripping barse over ollocks and dropping her slass glipper.

Next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly ister let him in. Suddenly Betty Swollocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart."Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince."Blame that fugly ucker over there," said Mary Hinge.

When the brinking stown cloud had lifted the prandsome hince tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success. Their feet stucking fank. Betty Swollocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a nack in the kickers. This was not difficult has he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard-on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. They were married.

A little old lady was sitting on her front porch in her rocking chair, reflecting on her long life, when suddenly her fairy godmother appeared to grant her three wishes.

"What would you like for your first wish?" the fairy godmother asked.

The little old lady said, "I guess I'm like everyone else, and would like to be rich."

POOF! Her rocking chair turned into solid gold. "And, for your second wish?" asked her fairy godmother.

The little old lady said, "Well, like everyone else, I wish I were young and attractive."

POOF! The little old lady was now a beautiful young woman. "And, for your third and final wish?" asked her fairy godmother.

Now the beautiful young woman was trying to come up with her last wish when Burt, her tomcat, walked across the porch in front of her. "Oh!" she said. "Can you turn Burt into a handsome young prince?"

Next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water
temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.Here are some facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in Mayand still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting tosmell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the househad the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men,then the women and finally the children-last of all the babies. By then thewater was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying,"Don't throw the baby out with the bath water"

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath.It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice rats, and bugs) lived in the roof.When it rained it became slippery, and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof, hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs"

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed areal problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could reallymess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came intoexistence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor". The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh, the straw left over after threshing grain) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more and more thresh until when you openedthe door it would all start slipping outside. To prevent this, a piece of wood was placed in the entrance way-hence a "thresh hold."

They cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the
fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew fordinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite awhile, --hence the rhyme, "peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old"

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach on to the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Most people did not have pewter plates, but had trenchers. (a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl). Often trenchers were made from stale bread that was so old and hard that they could use them for quite some time. Trenchers were never washed and a lot of times worms and mold got into the wood and old bread. After eating off wormy, moldy trenchers, one would get "trench mouth."

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, the upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would
sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up *hence, the custom of holding a "wake."

England is old and small and they started out running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, one out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell.

Thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a dead ringer"

And that's the truth.

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motoristas the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.

Think of a number.

Multiply it by 3.

Now add 5.

Take away the number you first thought of.

Now add 7.

Subtract 2.

Add back the number you first thought of.

Now, close your eyes.

Wooo Wooo...Indian Love Call

Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods, all of a sudden one
of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very
closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all
about, was the other Indian crazy or what? "No," said the Indian, "It is
our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler
'Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."

Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave.

He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the
answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!"

With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, He raced into the cave tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the Newspaper read.....

Does the statement, "We've always done it that way" ring any bells?

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.Why did ";they" use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.Okay!

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.!

So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.

Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

Now the twist to the story...When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank.

These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

Back in the 60's, the US had a series of radar sites known as the "Distant Early Warning" system or "DEW" line.

One Airman stationed there asked his buddy at home to arrange a date for him when he got leave.

The buddy did so, but told the girl that she'd better be careful, as the guy had been working on the DEW line for 6 months.

When old Mr. O'Leary died, an elaborate wake was planned.

In preparation, Mrs. O'Leary called the undertaker aside for a private little talk. "Please be sure to fasten his toupee to his head very securely. No one but I knew he was bald," she confided, "and he'd never rest in peace if anyone found out at this point.

Our friends from the old country are sure to hold his hands and touch his head before they're through paying their last respects."

"Rest assured, Mrs. O'Leary," comforted the undertaker, "I'll fix it so that toupee will never come off."

Sure enough, the day of the wake the old timers were giving O'Leary's corpse quite a going-over, but the toupee stayed firmly in place. At the end of the day a delighted Mrs. O'Leary offered the undertaker an extra thousand dollars for handling the matter so professionally.

"Oh, I couldn't possibly accept your money," protested the undertaker.

One evening, two Alabama State Trooper patrol cars were in hot pursuit of a Chevy Camaro going east on I-20 toward Georgia.

When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.

The rookie Trooper pulled over right behind him and asked, "Hey Sarge, why did you stop?"

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker.

The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants.

The Warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play The Macarena for me one last time?"

"Certainly," replied the warden.

He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"

A newspaper columnist was found guilty and fined for calling a countess a cow.

When the trial ended and the man paid his fine, he asked the judge, since it was now clear he couldn't call a countess a cow, if he could call a cow a countess?

The judge said it was all right to do so.

Rated G

Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the USA from Japan.

They decided to become American citizens, and "Americanize" their names.