GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8)You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the joy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair hat you
once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the
questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

LIFETIME Made-For-TV Movies

1. The Markie Post Story - Starring Meredith Baxter Birney

2. I Was A PTA Slut

3. The Willful Urban Career Woman Realizes That Being a Housewife Is the True Path To Happiness and Contentment

4. Escape from Six Flags

5. The Princess Who Became A Receptionist

6. Rainy Days, Mondays, and Anorexia Always Get Me Down: The Karen Carpenter Story

7. Not Without My Salad Shooter!

8. Taller than Tom: The Nicole Kidman Tragedy

9. Silicone Breasts of Death

10. Please God, Don't Microwave My Fetus!

11. Michael Gross is Not Your Man-Whore!

12. 372.5 Pounds of Pride

13. The Sassy Teen Who Left Her Mother in the Trailer Park After a Succession of Sexually Abusive Boyfriends Had Molested Her and Confirmed Her Long-Suppressed Suspicions of Homosexuality

14. (Just Like) ANNIE HALL

15. I Will Iron Your Clothes When You Iron Out the Inequities in Your Labor Laws - With Special Guest Star, Susan Sarandon

16. Danielle Steele's Fuckbeast

17. Can We Nit-Pick and Induce Bulimia? The Joan Rivers Intimate Portrait

18. Long Island Subterranean Garage Dungeon VII

19. Crimes of Passion: Stay Away from My Pool Boy!

20. My Husband, My Hairdresser

21. Mother, Can I Dissect His Trouser Python?

22. Listening to Vicidin

23. The Ugly Chick With a Heart of Gold Who Was Teased Unmercifully by Those Cheerleader Bitches Until She Snapped and Slaughtered Them All and Now Languishes on Death Row

24. Valley of the Pauls

25. In My Hamster's Shadow

26. Touched by an Uncle

27. The Burning Bed Sore

28. Another Woman's Husband's Undescended Testicle

29. Gordon Jump is... Still Addicted to Dudley

30. The Stranger in My Sphincter

31. CHOMPED: A 21st Century Weaning Disaster

32. The Heart of a Sagging Single Mother is a Lonely Huntress

33. A Season for Epilady

34. By The Courage of My Talent - Starring Tori Spelling

35. I Unwittingly Married a Comely Sociopath

36. Moment of Truth: Hands Off My Snackwells!

37. Waitlisted: The Summit Country Pre-school Admissions Tragedy

38. The 3.8 Faces of Steve

39. My Child, My Episiotomy, My Doughnut Shaped Pillow

40. Destination Closure: The Weeping and the Kvetching

41. What's Love Got To Do With It II: Kickin' Ike's Ass All Over Again

42. Addicted to Craft Fairs

43. Stubborn Corduroy Stain - I CAST THEE OUT!

44. Daddy, That Tickles: The Funny Ha-Ha/Funny Strange Saga

45. The Insatiable Stable-Master

46. Jean Stapleton is "Impregnated by Ted Danson's Struggling Actor Cousin"

47. I Was a Vacuous Republican Trophy Wife

48. Moistened by Danger

49. Eat It: The Tracey Gold Story - Starring Tracey Gold

Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School.

Ole went on Christmas and Easter and once in a while, he went on one of the other Sundays.

On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed vhat a fine looking woman she was.

Vhile dey were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said, "Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?"

"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.

Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in New Ulm.

When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, "Hey, Lena, vould you like a cocktail before dinner?"

"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"

Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?"

"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"

Vell, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he yust got in his Ford and vas driving Lena home ven dey passed the Hot Springs Motel. He'd struck out twice already, so
he figured he had nothing to lose.

"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?

"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.

Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in vith Lena.

The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her gray curls on the pillow.

"Vat have I done? Vat have I done?" thought Ole.

He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you von ting," saidOle. "Vat a re you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

With April 15 fast approaching, I think we need a little IRS humor, although I could not find anything funny with my tax returns at all.

There is only one thing worse than the flu season -- the tax season. You can recover from the flu.

T-Shirts you will see this Summer "2002"

1) The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

3) I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6) Don't take life too seriously. You won't get out alive.

7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10) To all you virgins - thanks for nothing.

11) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

13) I don't have to be dead to donate my organ

14) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

15) God must love stupid people; he made so many.

16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

17) It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

18) Your IQ test score is back and the results were negative.

19) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

20) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

22) Beer ~ the reason I get up each afternoon

23) I must be a proctologist because I work with assholes.

24) Frankly, Scallop, I don't give a clam (seen on Cape Cod)

25) That's it! I'm calling Nana! (seen on an 8 year old)

26) Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up

27) Procrastinate now

28) Rehab is for quitters

29) My dog can lick anyone

30) I have a degree in Liberal Arts. You want fries with that?

31) Party - my crib - two A.M. (on a baby-size shirt)

32) Finally 21, and legally able to do what I've been doing since 15

33) All men are idiots and I married their King.

34) West Virginia: one million people, and 15 last names

35) Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with the software.

36) I'm out of estrogen and I've got a gun.

37) A hangover is the wrath of grapes

38) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

39) Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere.

40) They call it PMS because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken

41) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead

42) Time's fun when you're having flies... Kermit the Frog

43) Police station toilet stolen... Cops have nothing to go on.

45) Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh.

46) A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times the memory.

47) The Meek shall inherit the earth after we're through with it.

48) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

49) HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig.

51) The trouble with life is there's no background music.

52) If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

53) Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

54) The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

55) My wild oats have turned to Shredded Wheat.

56) Computer geeks don't byte, they nibble a bit.

57) Computer geeks know how to use their hardware.

58) Mop and Glow - floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.

59) NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room spinning medicine.

60) Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research.

The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited.

He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them.

IRS Humor

It has almost reached the point where, if a person takes a day off, he falls behind in his income-tax payments.

The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf.

Nothing makes a person more modest about their income than to fill out a tax form.

It's too bad for the middle-income person. They earn too much to avoid paying taxes and make too little to afford paying them.

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS auditor who had come to review his records.

At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay themwith a smile."

The door bell, rings, and a man answers it.

Here stands this plain but well dressed kid, saying, "Trick or Treat!"

The man asks the kids what he is dressed up like for Halloween.

Enclosed is my 1998 tax return & payment.

Please take note of the attached article from USA Today newspaper.

In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the over payment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return.

Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a 1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch phillips head screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,

Some OneLiners Tax Humor to help you get through this TAXING Day.

Take a look at your tax bills and you'll quit calling them "cheap politicians."

The reward for saving your money is being able to pay your taxes without borrowing.

Even if money could bring happiness, think what the luxury tax would be!

There's one consolation about life and taxes - when you finish the former, you're through with the latter.

One can be born free and then be taxed to death.

It will be real nice if taxes get down to where we can afford to make a living.

We wonder why they call them "tax returns" when so little of it does.

At no time is it easier to keep your mouth shut than during an audit of your income-tax return.

The latest income-tax form has been greatly simplified. It consists of only three parts:

Part 1: How much did you make last year?

Part 2: How much have you got left?

The difference between the short and long income tax forms is simple.

If you use the short form, the government gets your money.

In this out of the way village there was a man called "onestone".

This wasn't his real name but everyone called him it because he had only one testicle.After years and years of this torment onestone cracked and said, " If anyone calls me onestone again I will kill them! "

The word got around and nobody called him onestone any more. Then one day a young girl forgot and said, "Good morning onestone.

"He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest, where he shagged her all day, he shagged her all night, he shagged her all the next day, until she died from exhaustion.

The word got around that onestone meant business.Years went by until a woman returned to the village after many years away. She was overjoyed when she saw onestone and hugged him and said, "Good to see you onestone."

Again, onestone grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he shagged her all day, shagged her all night, shagged her all the next day, shagged her all the next night, but she wouldn't die!

What is the moral of the story?"

The April 15 tax-filing deadline has come and gone. Some of the changes in this year's code?

<\> Deductions permitted for monetary losses due to eBay overbidding

<\> May now file as single, married, or living-together-in-sin

<\> New "Lucky Bucks Scratch-Off 1040" cost $2 but lets citizens take a chance on winning up to $1,000 in additional deductions

<\> Home-improvement deductions expanded to include moose heads, chili-pepper string lights, and new tires for the house trailer

<\> All filers must repay last year's $300 federal rebate~loan with interest