Things I have learned in life

I've learned- that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk
them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned- that no matter how much I care, some people are just buttholes.

I've learned- that it takes years to build up trust and a minute of suspicion to destroy.

I've learned - that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.

I've learned- that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more messed up than you think.

I've learned- that it's taking me a long time to sleep with the person I want.

I've learned- you should always leave loved ones with loving words. You may need to borrow money.

I've learned- that either you control your attitude or you will be offered medication.

I've learned- that money is a great substitute for character.

I've learned- that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do so.

I've learned- that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean you can't take advantage of them when they're passed out and naked in your bed.

I've learned- that your family won't always be there for you. Unless, of course, you win the lottery.

I've learned- that no matter how good a gal is, she'll eventually revert.

I've learned- that no matter how badly your heart is broken, therapy is still
expensive.

I've learned- that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

I've learned- that two people can screw the exact same person and compare notes.

I've learned-that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon. And all the less important ones just never go away.

Foreign Exchange Rates

A tourist from China was traveling to New York City for a two week vacation. He went to the bank as soon as he arrived in order to exchange his Chinese money for American money. He gavethe teller 1000 yuan, and the teller in turn gave him 150
dollars.

A week went by, and the tourist had used up his money, so he returned to the bank. He gave the teller another 1000 yuan, but this time the teller only gave him 125 dollars. Seeing the difference, the man angrily asked the teller in his broken
English why last week he received 150 dollars for the same amount of money. The teller replied, "Fluctuations."

Oh So True

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to beg forgiveness than get permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

2 Mutes

There were two deaf mutes standing on a street corner talking to each other with sign language.

Mute #1 (SIGN)"What would you like to do?"

Mute #2 (SIGN)"I don't know, what about you?"

Mute #1 (SIGN)"Let's get my car, find some girls, drive to a dark space and have some fun."

Mute #2 (SIGN)"Good idea."

So they get in his car, find some girls, drive to a dark spot and are having a ball when the guy in the back seat taps the guy in the front seat on the shoulder.....

Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"What?"

Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"Have you got any protection?"

Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. Don't you?"

Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. We had better go to a drug store and get some."

They proceed to drive to a drug store and the man in the back seat gets out and goes inside. In 2 minutes he is back outside and taps on the car window.

Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?"

Outside Mute (SIGN)"I've got a problem."

Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?"

Outside Mute (SIGN)"I can't make the druggist understand what I want."

Inside Mute (SIGN)"I know What to do."

Outside Mute (SIGN)"What?"

Inside Mute (SIGN)"Go back inside. Put five dollars on the counter. Put your pecker on the counter. He'll know what you want."

Outside Mute (SIGN)"Good idea."

The man goes back into the drug store and 2 minutes later he's back at the car window.

Inside Mute (SIGN)"Well?"

Outside Mute (SIGN)"It didn't work."

Inside Mute (SIGN)"What do you mean?"

Priority Test

You may discover shocking revelations about yourself! Have fun!

You are in a desert. You have with you the following five animals: A lion, a cow, a horse, a sheep, and a monkey. To escape the desert you are going to have to get rid of one of your animals. Which one do you drop?

(You can use whatever logic you like BUT keep track of which animal is discarded when! WRITE THEM DOWN IN ORDER)

You have 4 animals left. The desert is burning up! It goes on for miles. Sand is everywhere. You realize, to get out, you are going to have drop another animal. Which do you drop?

You have 3 animals left.

Walk, walk, walk. Hot, hot, hot. Disaster! The Oasis that you were looking for is dried up! You have no choice but to drop another animal.

You have 2 animals left.

Ok, it's a long hot walk. You can see the edge of the desert way on the horizon. Unfortunately, you can only leave the desert with ONE animal. Which one do you drop and which one do you keep?

Before looking at the answers, make sure you know which animals you dropped in what order.

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These answers are based on Japanese Archetypes. The desert represents a hardship. The animals represent:

Lion = Pride

Monkey = Your Children

Sheep = Friendship

Cow = Basic Needs

Horse = Your Passion.

The loaded mini-van pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.

A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork."

More Tales of Induviduals

When the waiter came to take our order, I asked, "What is the soup du jour?" The waiter turned to me and responded very slowly and clearly, "It's the Soup...OF---THE---DAY."

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My sister gave me a 13" TV for my birthday. She had gotten it for free when she bought a used console TV for the living room. The original owners said they didn't use the 13" TV much because it would shut off after a while. After checking out the
on-screen menu features, I found there was a sleep timer set for 90 minutes!

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I was at a stop light, behind a car with a bumper sticker that said "Honk if you love Jesus." I honked. The driver leaned out his window, flipped me the bird, and yelled "Can't you see the light is still red, you moron?"

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I work for a bank. I applied for a home loan from my employer and have been waiting for approval for over five weeks. I found out today that it has taken this long because my loan officer was unable to get verification of my employment.

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A large steel column next to my cubicle got whacked during the office renovation and, as a result, a sharp spur stuck out from the side. The site supervisor came over with a worker, pointed to the pole, and said, "That's really sharp and could hurt
someone. I want it filed down." The worker reached out, touched it, and said "Ouch!" just as the supervisor yelled "Don't touch it!" When the worker looked at the blood welling up, the supervisor said, "Wow, that *is* sharp!" and reached out and touched it. "Ouch!" he said, stuck his finger in his mouth, and walked away with the worker.

Five minutes later, the worker came back with an underling. "That's what needs to be filed down," he said. "It's really sharp." The underling reached out and touched it. "Ow!" he yelped and yanked his finger away.

Fortunately he filed it down right there and then before anyone else could verify how sharp it was.

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A courier came into our office with a bemused look on his face.He had been looking for building address number 70, and in his words, "The street numbers jumped from 69 (next door) to 71 (our building)." I suggested, in my most sincere voice, that he might try across the road.

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After moving in to our new office space, I was given the job of completing an Occupational Health and Safety report about the building. I discovered that the building had been built with no fire exit!

If a fire starts at the entrance, the only way out would be to smash through the manager's office window. So I put these comments down and submitted my report to the manager before it got sent to head office.

In all seriousness he added the following comment to the head office about smashing the window, "Please confirm that this is an acceptable option by returning your approval."

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One day at lunch at my high school, one of my friends selected a piece of pizza and went to pay for it. Apparently, however, it costs more to get a piece of pizza than it does to get a "meal," which would be a piece of pizza AND a vegetable.

The cafeteria lady insisted that he had to get a vegetable if he wanted to pay less. My friend pointed out that there were no vegetables left in the line at this point, so he couldn't get any. The cafeteria lady proceeded to make him wait while she went to find some corn, despite his insistence that he wouldn't eat the corn anyway. After waiting about ten minutes, he got the corn, paid for his lunch, ate the pizza and threw the corn away.

[Editor's note: Young folks will be happy to know that people like the cafeteria lady have another name in the post-school world. They're called "your boss."]

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We had a power outage during a thunderstorm. As we peered from our dark cubicles to the outside world, my director commented that it looked like power was out for miles, since the office buildings as far as we could see were also dark.

Our temp admin said, and I quote: "But then why are the cars running?"

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During a bout of tornadic weather, a local TV newsperson standing by a roadside at 5:20 p.m. made the statement that the sky was growing very dark, indicating that this was a sign of tornadoes approaching. Since it was January, it was also a sign
that the sun was going down.

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I was in my company's gift shop when I overheard one of the employees ask her manager if she could take a break.

"I just want to go smoke a cigarette and get some fresh air."

It is worthy to note that she followed her comment with a nice, moist-sounding cough.

I wonder if she'll ever complain that whenever she smokes outside, the air just doesn't seem that fresh.

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I recently had a garage sale in which I was selling an old beater of a motorcycle that wasn't running, for $50. An Induhvidual negotiated me down to $30 and I made the sale. After getting the title notarized, I was making out the bill of sale when the Induvidual asks, "Can I get your phone number too, in case I have any problems with it?"

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I am turning in my own mother: She used to think that the letters of the yogurt chain, TCBY, stood for Thank God It's Yogurt.

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At work, a representative for an office supply store was telling us about their line of glare screens for computer monitors. We were planning to buy them for all the computers. About ten minutes into the presentation, one of our Induhviduals raised
his hand and said, "I thought we were going to be getting ANTI-glare screens."

Signs-You're Older Than You Thought

- You can live without sex but not without glasses.

- Your back goes out more than you do.

- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

- You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

- You are proud of your lawn mower.

- Your best friend is dating someone half their age ... and isn't breaking any laws.

- You sing along with the elevator music.

- You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

- You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

- You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

- You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

- You make an appointment to see the dentist.

- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

- Neighbors borrow your tools.

- People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

- You answer a question with, "Because I said so!"

- You send money to PBS.

- The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

- You wear black socks with sandals.

- You know what the word "equity" means.

- You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

- You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

- You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

- You got cable for the weather channel.

The Height of All Emotions

Height of Patience:
A naked woman lying down with her legs apart under a banana tree.

Height of Frustration:
A boxer trying to scratch his balls.

Height of Innocence:
A teenage girl applying Clearasil to her nipple.

Height of Unemployment:
Cobwebs in the hole of the prostitute.

Height of Laziness:
A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake to do the rest.

Height of Competition:
A guy peeing beside a waterfall.

Height of Sophistication:
Sucking nipples with a straw.

Height of Disgust:
While wiping after a good toilet dump, your finger pokes thru the paper.

Height of Technology:
Condom with a zip.

Q: What do Kabul and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing,.... yet.

Q: How do you play Taliban bingo?
A: B-52...F-16...B-1...

Q: What is the Taliban's national bird?
A: Duck

Q: How is Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

A police officer (who shall remain nameless) pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop sign. "May I see your driver's license and registration please?"

"What's the problem, officer?"

"Your just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection."

"Oh, come on pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me".

"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution."

"you gotta be kidding me!"

"It's no joke, sir".

"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution."

"That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and. . ."

"You've got a lot of time on your hands, PAL! What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?"

"Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately!"

"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop."

The police officer had enough. "Sir, I can do better than that." He opened the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.

"Now sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?"

Speculation

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts", and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't itfollow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me . . . they're cramming for their final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

No one ever says, "It's only a game", when their team is winning.

BARBIE'S LETTER TO SANTA:

Dear Santa:

Listen you fat troll, I've been saving your ass every year, being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in December and dressing in fake Chanel at sappy tea parties. I hate to break it to ya,' Santa, but it's payback time. There had better be some changes around here, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown, and trust me, you don't wanna be around to smell it.

These are my demands for this Christmas:

1. Sweat pants and an oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker in hot pink bikinis. Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt? I don't suppose you do.

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. That cheap-o molded underwear some genius at Mattel came up with looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man... I don't care if you have to go to Hasbro to get him, bring me GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that pathetic bump of a boytoy, Ken. And what was up with that earring anyway? HELLO!?!

4. It's about time you made us all anatomically correct. Give me arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. 'Nuff said.

6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Doctor's and Lawyer's make real money.

8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie," complete with a pint of cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking myvinyl complexion.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 40 years -I think I deserve a piece of the action.

Considering my valuable contribution to society and Mattel, I think these demands are reasonable. If you don't like it, you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.

As ever,
Barbie

KEN'S LETTER TO SANTA:

Dear Santa:

It has come to my attention that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my
sexuality, and some of my fashion choices.

I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of issue concerning Ms. Barbie, as well as some of my own needs and desires: First, I, along with several of my colleagues, feel Ms. Barbie DOES NOT deserve the preferential treatment she has
received over the years. That bitch has everything. Neither I, nor Joe, nor The Raggedys, Ann & Andy, have dream houses, Corvettes, dune buggies, evening gowns, and some of us do not even have the ability to change our hairstyle. I have had a limited wardrobe, obviously designed to complement but never upstage Ms. Barbie. My decision to accessorize with an earring was immediately squashed, which I protest, for it was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice. I would like a change in my career to further explore my creative nature.

Some options which could be considered are: "Decorator Ken," "Beauty Salon Ken," or "Broadway Ken." Other avenues which could be considered are: "Impersonator Ken" (with wigs and gowns), or "West Hollywood Ken." These would more accurately reflect my interests and, I believe, open up markets that have been under served.

As for Ms. Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful in other situations of which you are aware.

In closing, further concessions to the Blonde Bimbo from Hell, while the needs of others within my coalition are ignored, will result in legal action to be taken by myself and others. And kindly tell Ms. Barbie she can forget about G.I. Joe...he's mine, at least that's what he said last night.

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond
ring he had ever seen.

He asked her about it.

"This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."

"What's the curse," the man asked?

CHICAGO - The war on terrorism took a strange and sad turn Friday as airline officials at O'Hare International Airport refused to let a 83 year old grandmother board her plane as she had in her possession two, six inch knitting needles. Apparently authorities were worried that she may knit an Afghan.