POOPING AT WORK - SURVIVAL GUIDE - BATHROOM

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those of you who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I give you the 2001 Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee) Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the

WALK OF SHAME Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN) Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you ass well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

CRACK WHORE Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Tell tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and shit streaks. Avoid a CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget with a good cleaning, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.

Here's a list of actual English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong:

1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.

3. Gun wounds again?

4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.

6. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!

7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.

8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.

10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.

11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!

12. You daring lousy guy.

13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!

14. I have been scared shitless too much lately.

15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!

16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.

17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?

18. How can you use my intestines as a gift?

19. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert floor for your aunts to eat.

20. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough extermination.

A host of new drive through cash points is set to sweep through the country, and the national association of bankers has issued the following guidelines to ensure full, efficient use of this new system when it becomes operational in the new year:

The His and Her Guide to Automatic, Drive Through Cash Machines

HIS:

1. Pull up to Automatic, Drive Through Cash Machine

2. Insert card

3. Enter PIN number

4. Take cash, card and receipt

HER:

1. Pull up to Automatic, Drive Through Cash Machine

2. Check makeup in rearview mirror

3. Shut off engine

4. Put keys in handbag

5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine

6. Hunt for card in handbag

7. Insert card

8. Hunt in handbag for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it.

9. Enter PIN number

10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"

12. Re-enter correct PIN number

13. Check balance

14. Look for deposit envelope

15. Look in handbag for pen

16. Make out deposit slip

17. Sign checks

18. Make deposit

19. Study instructions

20. Make cash withdrawal

21. Get in car

22. Check makeup

23. Look for keys

24. Start car

25. Check makeup

26. Start pulling away

27. STOP

28. Back up to machine

29. Get out of car

30. Take card and receipt

31. Get back in car

32. Put card in wallet

33. Put receipt in checkbook

34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook

35. Clear area in handbag for wallet and checkbook

36. Check makeup

37. Put car in reverse gear

38. Put car in drive

39. Drive away from machine

40. Travel 3 miles

41. Release handbrake"

An old cowboy - dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps - went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, so I guess I am."

After a short while he asked her what she was. She replied, "I've never been on a ranch. I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. I get up in the morning thinking of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV - everything makes me think of women."

A short while later she left, and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:'

compliment her

cuddle her

kiss her

caress her

love her

stroke her

tease her

comfort her

protect her

hug her

hold her

spend money on her

dine her

buy things for her

listen to her

care for her

stand by her

support her

go to the ends of the earth for her'

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:'

show up naked

Women's English

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure ... go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = ... and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me = I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

I'm not yelling = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

Men's English

I'm hungry = I'm hungry

I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy

I'm tired = I'm tired

Do you want to go to a movie = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Can I take you out to dinner = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Can I call you sometime = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Nice dress! = Nice tits!

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you

What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?

I love you = Let's have sex now

I love you, too = Okay, I said it ... We'd better have sex now!

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = Okay, I said it ... We'd better have sex now!

Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...

Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...

Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless junk in the garage...

Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well, "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...

One day I was walking down the street and I saw that my new neighbors from Poland had a good number of reusable diapers on the clothesline, so being neighborly I decided to give them a visit and while I was there I told the kid's mother that in America we have disposible diapers. When I told her that she was delighted that she did not have to clean anymore dirty diapers and then next week I was walking with my dog around the street when I saw the kid running around with his diaper sagging all the way down to his ankles.

So I took my dog home and walked over to their house and I said, "Miss, excuse me if I am being rude but don't you think it is about time to change your child's diaper?" then she said with a hint of pride, "Of course not, can't you Americans read? The package says it holds up to thirty pounds!"

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. '"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me... I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"

Oh So True.........

1.  If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2.  Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3.  Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4.  Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5.  If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6.  My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7.  Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8.  It is easier to beg forgiveness than get permission.

9.  For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Put Downs..............

Well, aren't we just a ray of fucking sunshine?

Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

Do I look like a fucking people person?

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

You! Off my planet !!

Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.

I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Let me show you how the guards used to do it.

And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Do they ever shut up on your planet?

I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Just smile and say "Yes, Mistress."

Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.

Earth is full. Go home.

Is it time for your medication or mine?

Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?

I plead contemporary insanity.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

How To Shower Like A Woman:

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to bathroom.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.

4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins

6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.

9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash

10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).

11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.

12. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.

13. Turn off shower.

14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel,

16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.

17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

18. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

How To Shower Like A Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the "woo" sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your dick in the mirror, scratch your balls and smell your fingers for one last whiff.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one)

6, Wash your face.

7. Wash your armpits

8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.

9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.

10. Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.

11. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)

12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.

14. Pee in the shower.

15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hang out of the tub the whole time.

16. Partial dry off.

17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire dick size.

18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.

19. Leave bathroom and fan light on.

20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your dick, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.

Thing to keep you busy:

Walk up to a random person and say forcefully, "If you believe it's right, is it still
wrong?"

Put a key in your ear and try to "start up" your head.

Just use sound effects for everything you do. Like when you walk and pick things up and stuff.

Take out your keys and try to start things that don't even start like book cases, pictures, and stuff like that. Make sure you use sound effects.

Dress up as Jesus and go Trick-or-Treating on Christmas.

Introduce your self as "Lester, Moe...Lester"

When you get into a conversation with someone you don't like, keep glancing up at the ceiling, and find a good time to slowly look up, point to the ceiling, and ask "Hey, did you do put that there?" then run off.

Bump your genital into something and scream "Oh my GOD! MY PENIS IS BROKE!"

When thanking someone, if they are very small, say "Thanks, little man." and if they are gigantic say "Thanks little man."

Ask random people "Excuse me, will you eat my boogie?" and act very intellectual.

Take a pencil and slowly put it in your ear. Then dig deep down inside turning and twisting the pencil with a very frustrated look on your face. You could add an "OUCH!" then pull out the pencil every now and then and act like it is hard to get back in your ear.

Scream "PUBES!" at any time of silence.

Talk just like Farmer Fran from "The Waterboy". Only do this if you can. You will sound like an idiot TRYING to sound like him too. Which can also be amusing...

When someone says something like "OH MY GOD..." say "Please...call me Paul" or whatever your name may be.

When you are walking and you meet someone and you two can't decide where to go, run at them and do a 360 right around them. Don't move your arms around and look them right in the face the whole time.

Get a big box and fill it up with crackers and when someone walks by throw a cracker at them. Kind of like feeding the birds but no one eats the crackers.

Sing stuff like "I have Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome" along with the conga line tune. It will also work well with things such as "I have the human immundeficiency virus" and stuff.

Wear glasses that have no lenses in them and walk around saying really stupid things while trying to act smart.

Make your own fake language, use it in good situations like: The Doctors, The Grocery Store, Christmas, The Mall and so on...

Sing really annoying songs very loud and off key, such as "The wheels on the bus go round and round", "99 bottles of beer on the wall", "The Stairway to Heaven", or "La Bumba".

Walk around acting like you lost someone named "Mr. Washington". Scream his name like you are calling for him.

Randomly say "Uummmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!" for no apparent reason.

When someone says the word "The" in a sentence scream "UNDIES!!!".

When you go to the cash register to pay put nickels in your nose.

Carry a broken phone with half of a cord (wires hanging out of the end) around talking to "people" about your "business".

Put head phones on with no player and walk around dancing to music that is obviously not playing.

Tell stories about your nine inch long nipple hair getting caught in devices such as fans, doors, blenders and such, and tell them to complete strangers

When in a big conversation and you don't care to pay attention, stare at the persons chin and say "Ugh huh. I see. (Then nod)" every couple of min. Soon the will loose their train of thought, and its fun to see how quickly they forget what they were talking about.

In a crowd of people that are not paying attention to you, yell "I AM NAKED!". Then when everyone looks say "Gotcha" and run off. (Sounds stupid, but just go try it)

Stand up near a wall but lean up against it. When someone walks near you try to stand up on your own and pretend to loose your balance. With a scared look on your face wobble back and fourth struggling to grab onto the person or the wall. Once you gain your balance attempt to let go and with a big grin on your face let go and wobble (but with a more secure style to it) then stand perfectly normal but still act a little scared like your getting ready to loose you balance. Then out of no where wobble back and fourth more than ever grabbing at everything you could grab onto!

Walk up to someone you know (preferably the same sex) and slap them on the butt and say strongly "What’s up brother?". (Act totally serious)

Pretend to reach over someone to reach something near them and put your finger or a hard object in front of you. When you go to grab the object hump them with your finger and act like you are trying to jump for the object near them.

When you are talking to someone scrunch up your face like something is on it and you are trying to get it off by moving around your eyebrows and stuff.

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma.

Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."

The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear," she asked.

The Top 12 Nudist Pickup Lines:

12 "Hey, is that a roll of quarters in... er, never mind. That's not a pocket, is it?"

11 "Oh, look! Somebody dropped a $20 bill there on the ground in front of you!"

10 "Hey, Tan Lines, new around here?"

9 "Ever seen a guy do no-handed pushups?"

8 "Excuse me, were those Bugle Boy jeans?"

7 "Nice melanoma!"

6 "My other penis is a Porsche."

5 "Damn, you'd look great in a wet T-shirt."

4 "Boy, I'd sure like to get into *YOUR* pants! Figuratively speaking, of course..."

3 "Did you just wake up or are you glad to see me?"

2 "Did I mention that I'm President of the United States?"