A man walks into a barber shop with his daughter.

The girl is eating her favorite snack: a Twinkie.

She stands very close to her father as he gets his hair cut in the chair.

After a few minutes of snipping away, the barber looks down at the girl and says, ''Sweetie, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie!''

60 Things NOT To Say to a Naked Guy

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.

2. Ahh, it's cute.

3. Who circumcised you?

4. Why don't we just cuddle?

5. You know they have surgery to fix that.

6. It's more fun to look at.

7. Make it dance.

8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.

9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?

10. It looks like a night crawler.

11. Wow, and your feet are so big.

12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.

13. It's ok, we'll work around it.

14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?

15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.

16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

17. Oh no, a flash headache.

18. (giggle and point)

19. Can I be honest with you?

20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.

21. Let me go get my tweezers.

22. How sweet, you brought incense.

23. This explains your car.

24. You must be a growing boy.

25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.

26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.

27. Are you one of those pygmies?

28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?

29. Every heard of clearasil?

30. All right, a treasure hunt!

31. I didn't know they came that small.

32. Why is God punishing you?

33. At least this won't take long.

34. I never saw one like that before.

35. What do you call this?

36. But it still works, right?

37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.

38. It looks so unused.

39. Do you take steroids?

40. Water shrinks it.

41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.

44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?

45. Aww, it's hiding.

46. Are you cold?

47. If you get me real drunk first.

48. Is that an optical illusion?

49. What is that?

50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.

51. Were you neutered?

52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

53. Does it come with an air pump?

54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

55. Where are the puppet strings?

56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.

57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.

58. Never mind, why bother.

59. Is that a second belly button?

1. Non stick Cellotape

2. Solar Powered Flash Light

3. A black highlighter pen

4. Glow in the dark sunglasses

5. Inflatable Anchor

6. Smooth Sandpaper

7. Waterproof sponge

8. Waterproof Teabags

9. AC adapter for Solar powered calculators

10. Fireproof Matches

11. Fireproof Cigarettes

12. Battery powered Battery Charger

13. Seatbelts for Motorbikes

14. Hand powered Chainsaw

15. Inflatable Dartboard

16. Silent Alarm Clock

17. A Pedal powered wheelchair

18. Braille Drivers Manual

19. Double sided playing cards

Some Boy Scouts from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten.

Winston Churchill was a quite a character. Here, for your enjoyment, is a bit of a description of him:

(1) Seeing how rude Churchill was to his wife (and everyone else), a lady once told him, "Winston, if I was your wife, I would poison your tea." Churchill replied, "And madame, if I was your husband, I would drink it." Ouch.

(2) At a dinner a party, a (different) lady thought Churchil had had a bit too much to drink, and told him so: "Winston, you are drunk." Churchill's answer: "And madame, you are ugly. The difference is, in the morning, I will be sober." Ouch Ouch.

A little girl says, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?

"Why sure you can," her grandfather replied.

As she is sitting on grand dad's lap she says, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?"

"A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog."

The girl says, "Grandpa, will you please, please MAKE a sound like a frog?"

Perplexed, her grand dad says, "Sweet heart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?"

During the latest test of the rocket Ariane, a Texan was sent into orbit with a monkey. Each was given an envelope prior to launch.

When they had finally left the Earth's atmosphere, the monkey opened his envelope and read the instructions:

"Adjust trim, jettison fuel pods, check matter/anti-matter readings, correct course to 110 degrees and ease back on throttle controls.

Activate internal and external videos, secure all systems, check all computers and make all necessary repairs and adjustments."

Then the Texan opened his envelope and found the following instructions:

Nuclear Engineer's Chocolate Chip Cookie Recipe:

Ingredients:

1) 532.35 cm3 gluten
2) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3) 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating
at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor

#1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

The Artist Formerly Known As Prince has a new album out.

It's called : "Songs Formerly Known As Hits."

.........................................................

INTERESTING FACTS: (With interesting comments)

If you yelled for 8 years,7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the
body to squirt blood 30 feet. (Oh my God...!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig)

Dear Ann Landers: You ran a piece in your column a while back that had everyone
in our office laughing out loud. We wish you would reprint it, please. It was "A Dog Named Sex." -- Anonymous but Faithful Readers in Los Angeles

Dear L.A. Faithful:

That column is one of the most requested I have ever printed. Here it is again:

A Dog Named Sex
By Morty Storm

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine "Sex." He's a great
pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.

When I went to city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like one, too!"

Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like.

Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was 9 years old." He winked and said, "You must have been quite a kid."

When I married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the
motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex.

He said, "You don't need a special room. As long as you pay your bill, we don't
care what you do." I said, "Look, you don't seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Funny -- I have the same problem."

One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran
away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking
disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets.

"But you don't understand," I said. "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He said,
"Now that cable is all over the place, it's no big deal anymore."

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.
I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "The courtroo isn't a confessional. Stick to the case, please."

Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me, too."

Dumb Laws in Oklahoma

***** State laws:

Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property.

Whaling is illegal.

Anyone arrested for soliciting a hooker must have their name and picture shown on television.

Oklahoma will not tolerate anyone taking a bite out of another's hamburger.

Oral sex is a misdemeanor and is punishable by one year in jail and a $2,500 fine.

Tattoos are banned.

It is illegal to have sex before you are married.

Wearing your boots to bed is unlawful.

Tissues are not to be found in the back of one's car.

***** City laws:

An Ada law decrees that anyone wearing New York Jets clothing may be put in jail.

In Clinton, it is illegal to molest an automobile.

Oklahoma City will not allow you to walk backwards downtown eating a hamburger.

Nude gambling (for females) is illegal in Schulter.

In Tulsa, you must have a licensed engineer in able to open a soda can. Also in Tulsa, you are not allowed to take elephants downtown.

More Bathroom Graffiti

You can learn a lot from reading the graffiti in a bathroom, library or other public area...

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
* Women's rest room, Murphy's, Champaign, Ill.

If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can't take a dump here. Your asshole is in Washington.
* Men's rest room, Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Wash.

Beauty is only a light switch away.
* Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, N.C.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives.
* Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.

Remember, it's not "How high are you?", it's "Hi, how are you?"
* Rest stop off Route 81, W. VA.

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
* The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
* The Bayou, Baton Rouge, La.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired
of putting up with her shit.
* Men's rest room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, N.C.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
* Written in the dust on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg, Ariz.

A woman's rule of thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're
going to have trouble with it.
* Women's rest room, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Tex.

Watch out for gay limbo dancers.
* Inside toilet stall door, men's rest room?

Express Lane: Five beers or less.
* Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's,
Phoenix, Ariz.

You're too good for him.
* Sign over mirror in women's rest room, Ed
Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA

No wonder you always go home alone.
* Sign over mirror in men's rest room, Ed Debevic's,
Beverly Hills, CA

TRUE LAWS Actual laws found on the books.... WHAT'S ILLEGAL?

Oral sex between a man and a woman is illegal in the states of Alabama, Arizona, Florida, Idaho, Kansas, Louisiana, Massachusetts, Minnesota, Mississippi, Georgia, North and South Carolina, Oklahoma, Oregon, Rhode Island, Utah, Virginia, and Washington D.C.

It's illegal if a man's erection shows through their clothes in the states of Arizona, Florida, Idaho, Indiana, Massachusetts, Mississippi, Nebraska, Nevada, New York, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, South Dakota, Tennessee, Utah, Vermont, Washington DC, or Wisconsin, It is a crime punishable by imprisonment in: Arizona, Florida, Idaho, Mississippi, New Mexico and North Carolina, Cohabitation is illegal in Bozeman, MO., Couples engaging in sexual activity (in the nude) in their own front yard after sundown, is prohibited by law.

It is unlawful in Kentucky for a woman to wear a swimming suit on the highway unless she is being accompanied by two police officers.

People Engaging in sexual activity with armadillos. is against the law in New Mexico. (As if there were enough people screwing armadillos that they needed to make a law against it.)

The same goes for sheep in Montana.

It is illegal for couples to sleep together naked in hotels in Hastings, Neb.

In the town of Alexandria, Minn., a man cannot legally make love to his wife if his breath reeks of garlic, onions, or sardines.

For a women to sport a corset is against the law in Maryville, Mo., because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male.

A woman who has sex with a man in an ambulance. can be charged with a misdemeanor, in Tremonton, Utah. The guy, on the other hand, will not be charged.