A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in 'Vegas. She's down to her last $50.

Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"

A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?"

He walks away.

Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table.

Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd.

The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up.

A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says. The two Englishmen just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?" No response.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language...."

Time and Newsweek both have interviewed suspected terrorist Osama bin Laden. Why is it Time and Newsweek can track this guy down, but the FBI and the CIA have no idea where he is? Why don't they just pay Time and Newsweek to kill him? (Leno)

As part of the settlement of a recent tobacco lawsuit, all cigarette ads must be removed from Times Square. But don't worry folks, it's still okay to smoke crack there. (O'Brien)

Woody Allen said in interviews that after so many years of seeing a psychiatrist, he's stopped. Well, you know... if you've been getting therapy most of your life and you end up marrying your daughter... it's obvious it's not working... (Leno)

A man in Kenya has reportedly found a way to make paper our of elephant dung. You've heard of number 2 pencils? Well... this will be number 2 paper. (Leno)

In a related story, Italian researchers say they've invented a car that runs on human waste. That means we could be stopping at Taco Bell for both food and gas.

According to the British medical journal the Lancet, people on Valium are 300% more likely to be in car wrecks. The good news is, they don't care! (Leno)

Cher admitted in an interview she has had plastic surgery, but denied she had a rib removed to make her waist smaller. She said she had a rib removed so scientists could make Calista Flockhart. (O'Brien)

The Acme Company was trying to sell its new computerized crystal ball to a major marketing executive. But as expected, the executive was quite skeptical.

The Acme sales rep told the executive, "Go ahead and type a question into the crystal ball."

The executive typed, "Where is my father?"

The crystal ball bleeped and blooped for a short while, and then came back with "Your father is fishing in Michigan."

The executive said to the sales rep, "You see? I knew this was BS. My father's been dead for twenty years."

"Hmmmm. Try asking the question in a different way."

This time the executive typed, "Where is my mother's husband?"

The crystal ball came back with an answer, even more quickly this time than before.

One Liners:

Q: Why does the price of postage keep goin' up in America?
A: High cost of ammo

Q: How do you make kleenex dance?
A: You put a little 'boogie' in it.

What do women and linoleum have in common? If you lay them right, you can walk all over them for 50 years!

Q: How do you lose a Jewish cop?

A: Drive through a tollbooth!

Ringo's All-Starr Band is on the road again, and the boys on the bus include Todd Rundgren, Timmy Cappello, Gary Brooker, Jack Bruce and Simon Kirke...
... Now all they need is a drummer

Did you hear about the guy who found out he was impotent while trying to join the Mile-High Club?
He couldn't give a flying fuck

Q: Why did god give men penises?
A: So we'd always have at least one way to shut a woman up!

ALWAYS GIVE YOUR 100% AT WORK:

* 12% Monday

* 23% Tuesday

* 40% Wednesday

* 20% Thursday

A 7UP salesman had a crazy idea that he could triple his sales if he went to Africa and sold 7UP to the natives.

He had been gone for a few days when his regional manager tracked him down .

The regional manager came to the first village and they were all drinking 7UP.

He followed the path to the next village and all the natives were drinking 7UP also.

The next village turned out to be cannibals, but they too were drinking 7UP.

He asked them, "Where did the 7UP salesman go?"

The Chief was quick to reply with, "We ate all of him except for his thing." The regional manager asked, "Why didn't you eat his thing?"

Thomas Edison had been staying up late for several weeks working on developing the electric lightbulb.

In principle, it was simple, but finding the right material for the filament proved daunting.

One night, in the wee small hours, he finally discovered just the substance he needed and proceeded to build the first lightbulb.

To his delight, it lit and burned steadily.

Overjoyed, he picked the whole thing up and charged into the bedroom, where his wife was fast asleep.

"Darling look!! Look what I've invented!!"

A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group. After the story was read she gave the children a work sheet to do.

While they were working she heard a little girl say very softly "Damn!"

The teacher leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that in school."

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.

She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Margie and Mikey, they're eighteen. And the twins, Pam & Sam, they're sixteen. And the twins, Sissy and Missy, they're fourteen."

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us." The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear," she asked.

A farmer had so many children, he ran out of names, so he started naming his kids after something around the farm.

The first day of school began, and the teacher asked each child their name. When he got to one of the farmer's sons, the boy replied, "Wagon Wheel".

The teacher said, "I need your REAL name, son."

"It's Wagon Wheel, sir...Really".

The teacher in a huff, said, "Alright young man...march yourself right down to the principal's office THIS minute!"

Ah, yes, divorce , from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet

--Robin Williams

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A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.

"What's it about?" he asked.

"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

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Mom: "What does the cow say?"

Child: "Moooo!"

Mom: "Great! What does the cat say?"

Child: "Meow."

Mom: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"

The wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, "Bud."

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A judge had just fined a man $25 for speeding.

When the judge gave the man the receipt, the man yelled sarcastically,

'What am I supposed to do with this... frame it?'

A kid walked up to a guy wearing a 10-gallon hat, leather vest, leather chaps, and sneakers.

The kid asked him, "Mr. Cowboy, why do you wear that big hat?"

The cowboy replied, "Well, son, the big hat protects me from hot sun and driving rain, and at night I put it over my face when I sleep on the range, so it protects me then, too."

"Why do you wear that leather vest?"

"It also helps to keep the weather off me, and it has pockets where I can keep my valuables."

"Well, why do you wear leather chaps?"

"They protect my legs when I'm driving my horse through mesquite and cactus."

"Well, Mr. Cowboy," the kid finally asked, "Why do you wear sneakers?"

They say light travels faster than sound...
is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

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My uncle was thrown out of a mime show for having a seizure.
... They thought he was heckling.

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A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.

"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang again, and the same voice came over the line.