Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat.

They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, along came this little old man.

The son said, "OOh dad, there's one."

"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to feed the dogs.

We'll just wait." Well, a little while later, along came this really fat woman.

The son said, "Hey dad, she's plenty big enough."

"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one.

We'll just wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.

The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son.

A mighty fire had been raging at a Texas oil refinery.

Fire engines from all around had tried in vain to get close enough to the fierce blaze to put it out, but the heat was so intense that no one could even get near the burning oil and gas.

Hundreds of fire trucks from far and wide had been called and now they all just sat wondering what to do.

Suddenly, an old fire engine from a tiny fire company appeared in the distance.

It was the only truck from a tiny town and had been driving all night in response to this alarm. To the amazement of all of the firemen, the tiny truck sped right past the other fire engines and came to a leisurely halt right at the base of the fire.

The men in the tiny truck leaped out, doused themselves with water from their own hoses, and proceeded to extinguish the fire.

The next day at an awards ceremony for the 6 heroic men of the tiny fire company, the Governor presented the fire chief with a check for $20,000. "What do you think your fire company will do with such a large amount of money?", asked the Governor.

TRUE LAWS Actual laws found on the books.... WHAT'S ILLEGAL?

Oral sex between a man and a woman is illegal in the states of Alabama, Arizona, Florida, Idaho, Kansas, Louisiana, Massachusetts, Minnesota, Mississippi, Georgia, North and South Carolina, Oklahoma, Oregon, Rhode Island, Utah, Virginia, and Washington D.C.

It's illegal if a man's erection shows through their clothes in the states of Arizona, Florida, Idaho, Indiana, Massachusetts, Mississippi, Nebraska, Nevada, New York, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, South Dakota, Tennessee, Utah, Vermont, Washington DC, or Wisconsin, It is a crime punishable by imprisonment in: Arizona, Florida, Idaho, Mississippi, New Mexico and North Carolina,

Cohabitation is illegal in Bozeman, MO.,

Couples engaging in sexual activity (in the nude) in their own front yard after sundown, is prohibited by law.

It is unlawful in Kentucky for a woman to wear a swimming suit on the highway unless she is being accompanied by two police officers.

People Engaging in sexual activity with armadillos. is against the law in New Mexico. (As if there were enough people screwing armadillos that they needed to make a law against it.)

The same goes for sheep in Montana.

It is illegal for couples to sleep together naked in hotels in Hastings, Neb.

In the town of Alexandria, Minn., a man cannot legally make love to his wife if his breath reeks of garlic, onions, or sardines.

For a women to sport a corset is against the law in Maryville, Mo., because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male.

A woman who has sex with a man in an ambulance. can be charged with a misdemeanor, in Tremonton, Utah. The guy, on the other hand, will not be charged.

The airline had finally managed to buy its first fully automated airplane which allowed it to retrench all the pilots. The first flight took off with automated precision and the aircraft levelled out at 35,000feet.

The public address system clicked on. 'Ladies and Gentlemen, Welcome to the first fully automated flight. The aircraft has no pilots but you can be assured that nothing can go wrong....go wrong....go wrong....go wrong....go wrong..........'

Small Town America

You Know you're in a small town when:

You don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going.

Your baby is born on June 13 and you receive gifts from the local merchants because it's the first baby of the year.

You dial a wrong number and talk for 15 minutes anyway.

You are run off Main Street by a combine.

You can't walk for exercise because every car that passes offer you a ride.

You write a check on the wrong bank and it covers for you.

Marijuana is some little town in Mexico.

Everybody loves the policeman, the school principal and the barber.

A guy goes to buy a plane ticket, and the girl selling tickets has an incredible set of jugs.

He says,... "Give me two pickets to Titsburgh....umm...
I  mean, two tickets to Pittsburgh".  He's really embarrassed...

Book Titles

America's Longest River By: Misses Hippy

Artificial Clothing By: Polly Ester

Breaking the Law By: Kermit A. Krime

Broken Beds By: Squeak E. Springs

The Color of Eggs By: Summer Brown

Danger! By: Luke Out

Don't Hurt Me! By: I. Bruce Easley

Downpour! By: Wayne Dwops

Errors and Accidents By: Miss Takes and Miss Haps

The Fall of a Watermelon By: S. Platt

Falling Trees By: Tim Burr

French Overpopulation By: Francis Crowded

History of Texas By: Al E. Moe

Hours in the Bathroom By: R. U. Dunnyett

House Construction By: Bill Jerome Holme

How to Be Organized By: Miss Place

How to Groom Your Yard By: Ray Cleaves

I Didn't Do It! By: Ivan Alibi

I Don't Get It By: Anita Clew

I Love Crowds By: Morris Merrier

I Need Insurance By: Justin Case

I'll Do It Soon By: Will B. Dunn

The Lion Attacked By: Claudia Armoff

Mineralogy for Giants By: Chris Tall

No Appreciation For Art By: Drew Lousy

Old Furniture By: Anne Teak

The Past to the Distant Future By: I. C. All

Ripping Pants By: Ben Dover

Rusty bed springs By: I.P. Nightly

Snakes of the World By: Anna Conda

Under the bleachers By: Seymore Butts

Where the Stars Are By: Horace Cope

A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier.

"Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims.

So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier goes up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."

"No problem! I'll write you a check!"

"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."

So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns.

The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"

Penis Study

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00 they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, Germany decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Top 11 Toys Being Discontinued by Mattel

11. Sexual Harassment Citadel Cadet "Action" Figure.

10. Dr. Kevorkian's "Goodnight Grandpa" Kit

9. G.I. Joe with Wet, Hacking Cough

8. Robert Downey Jr. Home Pharmacy

7. Do-it-Yourself Jigsaw Puzzle (jigsaw included)

6. Cabbage Patch Hookers

5. "Li'l" Unabomber" Chemistry Set

4. Barbie, Ken and Ken's Longtime Companion, Matthew

3. Gulp! The Coin-Swallowing Game

2. Adorable Wind-up Monkey w/ Powerful Taste for Human Flesh

Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
He heard the snowblower coming.

What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

What's the speed limit of sex?
68; at 69 you have to turn around.

What's the ultimate rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

What did the egg say to the boiling water?
"How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."

A woman is all ready to give birth to her first baby. The doctor, obstetrician and nurses are all waiting for the birth. The doc checks for any sign of progress, suddenly he feels something moving, pulls back his hand and this little head pops out, sees the doc and asks him, "Are you my daddy?"

The doctor replies: "No, I'm not,"

The head pops back in.

The obstetrician goes over to check out the situation.

The baby pops out his head and asks him, "Are you my daddy?"

"Nope, I didn't do it."

The baby pops back in.

The doctor calls the father: "Sir, the baby seems to be reluctant to come out -- he keeps asking for his father.

Would you please come to the delivery room?"

So the father is standing there and the baby pops his head out again, and seeing his father the little one asks in an annoyed voice, "Are YOU my daddy?"

Dad kneels down and answers proudly, "Yes, son, I am your father!"

The Top 14 Signs You've Had Too Much To Drink at Your Company Picnic

14. You decide to show the boss YOUR version of a "golden parachute."

13. Barbara from accounting says, "Slow down, pal. This ain't no Kennedy reunion!"

12. The people in charge of the Diversity Program don't seem to care much for your Buckwheat impersonation.

11. You resurrect that old "Pull My Finger" routine for the folks from the home office.

10. Your overly enthusiastic karaoke rendition of Michael Jackson's "Beat It" lands you in jail for public lewdness.

9. You organize an "Armpit Orchestra" to play "Hail to the Chief" when the CEO arrives.

8. You offer to teach the boss your procedure for making "Butt Xeroxes."

7. You attempt to qualify for 3 legged race solo.

6. You remember *what* to kiss, but forget *whose*.

5. Evidently a bear's not the only one who can shit in the woods.

4. You keep calling your boss "Boo-Boo" and bugging him to help you look for "pic-a-nic" baskets.

3. Last words you utter before passing out? - "Slide, you fat bastard! Slide!"

2. Every time CEO pauses during big speech you scream, "FREEBIRD!!"

A guy from a city once went to go see his old collage pal who lived on a farm.

One morning the city slicker got up early and decided to fix breakfast for his friends family.

By the time he got from the pasture to the house his friend was up so the guy from the city decided to show his friend what he got.

When he walked into the kitchen the farmer looked at him. The city guys face was covered in a white liquid and he had a bucket full of this white stuff.

The city guy said, "I milked the cow for you this morning."

With yet another young man in her life Elizabeth Taylor decided that in her advancing years she needed to tighten up her vaginal area. She put her trust in her plastic surgeon of 30 years standing, the one who had carried out her face-lifts, boob jobs and ass-lifts.

Sworn to secrecy, he agreed that no-one but him would ever know. He carried out the delicate operation, carefully slicing away strips of the loose folds of skin. It is a long operation!

Liz awakes the next morning to see 3 "get well soon" cards on her bedside. She is appalled and demands to see the doctor.

"No-one but you should know about this! You have let me down," she says.

"Ah" says the doc,"this card is from my wife and I wishing you a speedy recovery."

"How nice," says Liz. "Thank you - what a nice thought."

"The second card is from old Madge the cleaner who has cleaned up after all your previous operations - she is to be trusted." "What a beautiful thought, from such a humble person -I'm really touched," says Liz.

"But who is the 3rd card from?" asks Liz.