Where did you get that great motorcycle?" Bob asked Dave

"I was minding my own business when this gorgeous woman rode upon it,jumped off,tore off her clothes and said "take what you want".

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.

As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars".

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxiesand potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"Holmes: "

An Indian walks in a bar with a cat in one hand and a bag of shit in the other.

He walks up to the bar and asks for a shot of whisky.

He takes a gulp, then throws the bag of shit in the corner and shoots it.

He asks for another shot of whisky and then eats the cat.

When he finishes the bartender asks why is he doing this stuff.

A couple went on vacation to a resort up north.

The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read.

One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up real early that morning and took a nap.While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up along side the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing?

She says, "Reading my book."The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing.

To which he replied, "But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!"

Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape."

The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't even touch you."

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.

2. Ahh, it's cute.

3. Who circumcised you?

4. Why don't we just cuddle?

5. You know they have surgery to fix that.

6. It's more fun to look at.

7. Make it dance.

8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.

9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?

10. It looks like a night crawler.

11. Wow, and your feet are so big.

12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.

13. It's ok, we'll work around it.

14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?

15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.

16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

17. Oh no, a flash headache.

18. (giggle and point)

19. Can I be honest with you?

20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.

21. Let me go get my tweezers.

22. How sweet, you brought incense.

23. This explains your car.

24. You must be a growing boy.

25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.

26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.

27. Are you one of those pygmies?

28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?

29. Every heard of clearasil?

30. All right, a treasure hunt!

31. I didn't know they came that small.

32. Why is God punishing you?

33. At least this won't take long.

34. I never saw one like that before.

35. What do you call this?

36. But it still works, right?

37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.

38. It looks so unused.

39. Do you take steroids?

40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.

41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.

44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?

45. Aww, it's hiding.

46. Are you cold?

47. If you get me real drunk first.

48. Is that an optical illusion?

49. What is that?

50. I'll go get the ketchup for your French fry.

51. Were you neutered?

52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

53. Does it come with an air pump?

54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?

56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.

57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.

58. Never mind, why bother.

59. Is that a second belly button?

Words or phrases that are rerranged to form new words with, more or less, the same meaning.

ASTRONOMERS becomes... MOON STARERS

DESPERATION becomes... A ROPE ENDS IT

A DECIMAL POINT becomes... I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE CHECK IS IN THE MAIL becomes... CLAIM "HECK, I SENT IT"

PRENATAL becomes... PARENTAL

TIRED NERVES becomes... DRIVE TENSER

VALENTINE POEMS becomes... PEN MATES IN LOVE

A SHOPLIFTER becomes... HAS TO PILFER

A DOMESTICATED ANIMAL becomes... DOCILE, AS A MAN TAMED IT

PAYMENT RECEIVED becomes... EVERY CENT PAID ME

NEW YORK TIMES becomes... MONKEYS WRITE

CIRCUMSTANTIAL EVIDENCE becomes... CAN RUIN A SELECTED VICTIM

MALES NEVER ASK FOR DIRECTIONS becomes... KEEN CRISIS OF MEN'S
ROAD TRAVEL

THE EYES becomes... THEY SEE

The all time champion ANAGRAM...

TO BE OR NOT TO BE:
THAT IS THE QUESTION,
WHETHER 'TIS NOBLER IN
THE MIND TO SUFFER THE SLINGS
AND ARROWS OF OUTRAGEOUS FORTUNE becomes...

Definitions

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
For a female: Any part under a car's hood.
For a male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes ''look bigger.'' Male: what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

Dear Tide,

I have always used your product ever since my college days, because mom says it was the best.

One weekend about a month ago, I was at my girlfriend's place, wearing my new white shirt.

Much to my chagrin, I spilled some red wine on my white shirt.

My girlfriend made a comment about my drinking problem, one thing lead to another, and soon I had her blood all over my not-so-nice white shirt.

I tried washing it with her detergent, and it just didn't do the trick. So, on my way home, I stopped at the store and picked up a box of new Ultra Tide. It washed the stain so well that the DNA tests were entirely inconclusive!

I can't praise your product enough. Thank you for saving my life! I must go now. I also have to send my praise to the makers of Hefty garbage bags...

Thanks again!

There was a kid with rabbits in his room.

Before school, he had to clean the cages. While he was doing this, he heard the bus.

He shoved the fist full of terds in his pocket, grabbed his pack, and headed out the door.

Once at school, he took them out and put them on the desk. The kid sitting
next to him asked, "Gee, what are those?" And he answered, "smart pills,
want some?"

So the kid took a bunch and swallowed them. In disgust, he let out "Agg! These taste like turds!"

Sometimes .... when you cry ... no one sees your tears ...

Sometimes .... when you are happy ... no one sees your smile ...

To Whom It May Concern:
We have been informed that you held shares in the following companies.   
American Can Co.
Interstate Water Co.
National Gas Co.
Northern Tissue Co.

Due to the uncertain market conditions, at this present time, we advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean.

Quotes. . . .

- Some mornings, it just ain't worth chewing through the leatherstraps.

- Chaos, panic, and disorder; my job is done here.

- Few women admit their age, even fewer men act theirs.

- Oh, wait, sorry, I didn't mean to look interested.

- DAMMIT, YOU'RE STILL TALKING?!

- Sex on the television can't hurt you . . . unless you fall off.

- Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.- Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

- I went to hell, it was full, so I came back.

- Ya know what, it really don't matter if I win or lose, just aslong as I piss you off in the process.

- Pissed off? Hey, it's better than being pissed on.

- I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like mygrandfather...not screaming and yelling like the people in hiscar.

- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.- It's not an optical illusion, it just looks that way.

- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else

.- We're born naked, wet, and hungry. . . .then things get worse.

- God bless America. But, God, please help Canada.

- Hey, the light at the end of that tunnel may be an on coming train.

- Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder.

- Love thine enemies...it REALLY pisses them off.

- Friends come and go, but enemies seem to accumulate.

- You can only be young once, but you can be immature FOREVER!.

- Gravity sucks.

ENGLISH PHRASE CHINESE INTERPRETATION

Are you harboring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me A.S.A.P. Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man Dum Gai

Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni

Your price is too high!! No Bai Dam Thing!!

Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a facelift Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here Wai So Dim?

Has your flight been delayed? Hao Long Wei Ting?

That was an unauthorized execution. Lin Ching

I thought you were on a diet Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone. No Pah King

Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena Song? Wai Yu Sing Dum

You are not very bright Yu So Dum

I got this for free Ai No Pei

I am not guilty Wai Hang Mi?

Please, stay a while longer. Wai Go Nao?

Our meeting was scheduled for next week Wai Yu Kum Nao

They have arrived Hia Dei Kum

Stay out of sight Lei Lo

He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive Hu Man Go!