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Author Topic: Canadians eh! Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-23-2002 06:37 PM                        Rated PG REVENUE CANADA - TAXATION DEPARTMENT (Pecker Checker Division) ATTENTION: All Male Taxpayers Subject: Notice of increase in tax payments DearSir: The only thing Revenue Canada Taxation has not yet taxed is your "ding-dong".That is due to the fact that 40% of the time,it is hanging around unemployed:20% of the time it is pissed off:30% of the time it is hard up,and 10% of the time it is in the hole.On top of this,it has two (2) dependents and they're both nuts.Accordingly, by May 1st 2003,your ding-dong will be taxed according to its size. To determine your category, please insert this information on Page 2. Section 7. Line 3 of your standard T1 tax forms: 10 - 12 inches Luxury Tax $30.00 8 - 10 inches Pole Tax 25.00 6 - 8 inches Privilege Tax 15.00 4 - 6 inches Nuisance Tax 5.00 Anyone under four inches is eligible for a refund: anyone exceeding twelve inches must file under Capital Gain. PLEASE do NOT request an extension. Yours very truly, REVENUE CANADA - TAXATION Hugh E. Rection Pecker Checker  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2003 11:08 AM                        Rated G You Know You're Canadian When: You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow. The local paper covers national and international headlines on two pages, but requires six pages for hockey. The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus. You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars, and drink pop, not soda. You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing u's from labor, honor, and color. You know how to say free, prize and no sugar added in French thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging. You know what a toque is. You've plugged a car in overnight. You've defended your property from trespassers with a lacrosse stick because you don't own a gun.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2003 11:12 AM                        Rated G Canadian Drivers The automobile companies put black boxes in cars (like they have in planes) to record people's last words as they crashed into things and died. In the U.S., the last words were mostly, "Oh no!" ...Kind of what you would expect. But in Canada, it was a different story. Most of them said right before they died,"Take my beer. Watch this!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-14-2003 03:21 PM                        Rated G Signs You're A Canadian Idol CTV A nation-wide search for a Canadian solo superstar is on. CTV, together with FremantleMedia / 19TV, announced today it will develop, produce and broadcast “CANADIAN IDOL,” a new series that will make its debut on CTV in 2003. -October 16, 2002 The Ford Focus that they force you to drive has a plug hanging out of the hood. When Paula Abdul tells you what she thinks of your performance, she seems abrasive and blunt -- at least compared to most people you know. Your first big single is called, "A Moment Like This, Eh?" After winning the title of "Canadian Idol," you celebrate by going out for a big Chinese meal. And it sucks. When you first see Randy Jackson, you wonder where a person could get such a deep, dark tan. That Brian Dunkleman seems like one sophisticated, funny guy! You think there should be exceptions to the ban on the death penalty, but only for Simon. One word: Literacy. At some point in your past, somebody actually taught you how to drive safely. Your "million dollar record contract" gets paid to you in Monopoly money.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-14-2003 03:26 PM                        Rated PG You know you're Canadian when... 1 You stand in "line-ups" at the movie, not lines. - from Moody 2 You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk" - from Brad 3 You understand the phrase, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine" - from Brad 4 You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars. - from Brad 5 You drink pop, not soda. - from Brad 6 This doesn't bother you at all. - from Brad 7 You know what it means to be on pogey. - from Brad 8 You know that a mickey and 2-4's mean "Party at the camp, eh!!" - from Brad 9 You can drink legally while still a 'teen. - from Brad 10 You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike. - from Brad 11 You don't care about the fuss with Cuba, it's a cheap place to travel with good cigars and no Americans. - from Brad 12 You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs. - from Brad 13 Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway. - from Brad 14 You drive on a highway, not a freeway. - from Moody 15 You know what a Robertson screwdriver is. - from Moody 16 You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers. - from Moody 17 Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas. - from Moody 18 You know that Thrills are something to chew and "taste like soap". - from Moody 19 You know that Mounties "don't always look like that" - from Moody 20 You know that the Friendly Giant isn't a vegetable product line. - from Moody 21 You know that Casey and Finnegan are not a Celtic musical group. - from Moody 22 You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada. - from Moody 23 You can do all the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram's "Skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky-doo" - from Moody 24 You were mad when "The Beachcombers" were taken off the air. - from Moody 25 You know what a tuque is. - from Moody 26 You admit Rich Little is Canadian and you're glad Jerry Lewis is not. - from Moody 27 You know Toronto is not a province. - from Moody 28 You never miss "Coaches Corner". - from Moody 29 You know all the words to "If I Had a Million Dollars" - from Moody 30 You know who Ernie Coombs is. - from Moody 31 You remember when Alanis Morisette was "Too Hot To Hold". - from Moody 32 You have memorised the Heritage Foundation's Heritage Moments, including your favourites, "I smell burnt toast, Doctor", "You all know I canna read a word..." and "Kanata". - from Moody 33 You spend sleepless nights wondering if Peter Mansbridge and Wendy Mesley will ever find again the blissful love they once knew. - from Moody 34 You wonder why there isn't a 5 dollar coin yet, because you can really use more change (You are already wearing your pants halfway down your ass and the hair and three layers of skin is worn off the front of your thighs from carrying your pocket money a around). The new coin should have a picture of a musk-ox on it, be the size of a hamburger pattie, and have fifteen different kinds of metals in it, including poutine. - from Moody 35 You know Ashley MacIssac isn't Celtic enough. - from Moody 36 Your backpack has only one Canadian flag sew-on. - from Moody 37 You have been on Speaker's Corner. - from Moody 38 You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color. - from Moody 39 You remember "Jodie" from "Today's Special" and wonder why she reads news on CBC. - from Moody 40 You wonder idly if there is some government cover-up of a covert operation behind shifting the shooting location of "X-Files" from British Columbia to California. - from Moody 41 You know that a "Premier" isn't a baby born a few weeks early. - from Moody 42 You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. - from Moody 43 You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground. - from Moody 44 The local paper covers national news on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey. - from Moody 45 You know 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction. - from Moody 46 You understand the Labatt Blue commercials. - from Moody 47 You perk up when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada" - from Moody 48 You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Canadian friends. - from Moody 49 You know what stubbies are. - from Tod 50 You get your money from a "Bank Machine" not an "ATM - from Frank 51 When someone asks you for a rye and coke and a ceasar you don’t offer a blank stare. - from Tim E. 52 When your dirty jokes are erased from a joke page about Canadian jokes. - from Guess . 53 You know that watching Mr. Dress-up is not a tranvestite voyeuristic activity. - from spazz  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-15-2003 07:21 AM                        Rated G Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart 50° Fahrenheit (10° C) Californians shiver uncontrollably. Canadians plant gardens 35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C) Italian Cars won't start Canadians drive with the windows down 32° Fahrenheit (0 ° C) American water freezes Canadian water get thicker. 0° Fahrenheit (-17.8° C) New York City landlords finally turn on the heat. Canadians have the last cookout of the season. -60° Fahrenheit (-51° C) Mt. St. Helens freezes. Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door -100° Fahrenheit (-73° C) Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Canadians pull down their ear flaps. -173° Fahrenheit (-114° C) Ethyl alcohol Freezes. Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg. -460° Fahrenheit (-273° C) Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops. Canadians start saying "cold, eh?" -500° Fahrenheit (-295° C) Hell freezes over. Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup. Which is true?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-21-2003 09:48 AM                        Rated G REVENUE CANADA *T1-SIMPLIFIED TAX FORM New Simplified Tax Form for 2000 Taxes 1. How much money did you make in 2000? 2. Send it to us.  |  IP: Logged Andrew Lee Film Handler Posts: 99 From: Oakville, Ontario, Canada Registered: Jun 2002 posted 01-21-2003 10:56 AM                     How do you get a group of drunk Canadians out of the pool on a hot day? Ask them to get out.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2003 01:54 PM                        Rated G An American is having his (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Canadian man, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Canadian who, nevertheless, starts a conversation. Canadian: "You American folk eat the whole bread?" American (in a bad mood): "Of course." Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble)"We don't. In Canada, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to America." The Canadian has a smirk on his face. The American listens in silence. The Canadian persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??" American: "Of Course." Canadian: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In Canada we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds,and left overs in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to America." The American then asks: "Do you have sex in Canada?" Canadian: "Why of course we do", the Canadian says with a big smirk. American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" Canadian: "We throw them away, of course." American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Canada."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2003 01:59 PM                        Rated PG TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO 1. You live in the center of the universe 2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump 3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election 4. There's no such thing as an Ontario Seperatist 5. Your grandparents sold booze to the States during Prohibition 6. Lots of tourists come to Toronto because they mistakenly believe it's a cool city 7. The only province with hard-core American-style crime 8. MuchMusic's Speaker's Corner - rant and rave on national TV for a dollar 9. Baseball fans park on your front lawn and pee on the side of your house 10. Mike Harris: basically a sober Ralph Klein  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2003 02:02 PM                        Rated PG TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC[/b] 1. Everybody assumes you're an asshole 2. Racism is socially acceptable 3. The only province to ever kidnap federal politicians 4. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbor will move out next 5. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada 6. The FLQ 7. Your hockey team is made up entirely of dirty French guys 8. The province with the oldest, nastiest hookers 9. NON-smokers are the outcasts 10. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo bastards":B  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2003 02:05 PM                        Rated PG TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA 1. Weed 2. Vancouver: 1.5 million people and two bridges 3. The local hero is a pot-smoking snowboarder 4. The local wine doesn't taste like malt vinegar 5. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is 5 hours from downtown 6. A university with a nude beach 7. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations 8. If a cop pulls you over, just offer them some of your hash 9. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on 10. Cannabis:D  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2003 02:07 PM                        Rated PG TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA 1. The only place in North America to get bombed in the war ...by a moron who set a munitions ship on fire 2. Your province is shaped like male genitalia 3. Everyone is a fiddle player 4. If someone asks if you're a Newfie, you are allowed to kick their ass 5. The local hero is an insane, fiddle playing, sexual pervert 6. The province that produced Rita MacNeil, the world's largest land mammal 7. You are the reason Anne Murray makes money 8. You can pretend you have Scottish heritage as an excuse to wear a kilt 9. The economy is based on fish, lobster, and fiddle music 10. Even though it smells like dead sea animals, Halifax is considered Canada's most beautiful city:D  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2003 02:10 PM                        Rated PG TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA 1. Big Rock 2. Preston Manning 3. Tax is 7 percent instead of approx. 200 percent 4. The Premier is a fat, wife-beating alcoholic with a grade 4 education 5. Flames vs. Oilers 6. Stamps vs. Eskies 7. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of 8. Eventually, it will be your town's turn to ban VLT's 9. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militiamgroups 10. You can attempt to murder your rich oil tycoon husband and get away with it:D  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2003 02:12 PM                        Rated PG TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATEWAN 1. You never run out of wheat 2. Those cool Saskatewan Wheat Pool hats 3. Cruise control takes on a whole new meaning 4. Your province is really easy to draw 5. You never have to worry about roll-back if you have a standard 6. It takes you two weeks to walk to your neighbor's house 7. YOUR Roughriders survived 8. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours 9. People will assume you live on a farm 10. Buying a huge John Deere mower makes sense:D  |  IP: Logged

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