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Author Topic: Canadians eh! Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2003 02:15 PM                        Rated PG TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE ON PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND 1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still got the big-ass bridge 2. You can walk across the province in half an hour 3. You were probably once an extra on "Road to Avonlea" 4. This is where all those tiny red potatoes come from 5. The economy is based on fish, potatoes, and CBC TV shows 6. Tourists arrive, see the "Anne of Green Gables" house, then promptly leave 7. You can drive across the the province in two minutes 8. It doesn't matter to you if Quebec separates 9. You don't share a border with the Americans, or with anyone for that matter 10. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night:D  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2003 02:17 PM                        Rated PG TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND 1. The poorest, stupidest, drunkest province in Confederation 2. If Quebec Seperates, you will float off to sea 3. In the rare case when someone moves to the Rock, you can make them kiss a dead cod 4. The economy is based on fish, seafood, and fish-related products 5. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse 6. You understand the meaning of Great Big Sea's lyrics 7. The work day is about two hours long 8. You are credited with many great inventions, like the solar-powered flashlight and the screen door for submarines 9. If someone asks if you're from Nova Scotia, you are allowed to kick their ass 10. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders on your wedding day  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-26-2003 08:42 AM                        Rated G Dumb Ontario Laws Cobourg If you have a water trough in your front yard it must be filled by 5:00 a.m. Etobicoke Bylaw states that no more than 3.5 inches of water is allowed in a bathtub. Gananoque Homeowners are responsible for clearing snow off of municipal sidewalks. Guelph The city is classified as a no-pee zone. Kanata The color of house and garage doors is regulated by city bylaws (a purple door get you a fine). It is also illegal to have a clothes line in your backyard. You can't work on your car in the street. Oshawa It's illegal to climb trees. Homeowners are responsible for clearing snow off of municipal sidewalks. If sidewalks is not cleaned within 24 hours after a snowfall, city workers will clean it and the cost will be placed on the homeowners tax bill. Ottawa It is illegal to eat ice-cream on Bank Street on a Sunday. Toronto You can't drag a dead horse down Yonge Street on a Sunday. Uxbridge Residents are not allowed to have an Internet connection faster than 56k. Wawa You may not paint a ladder as it will be slippery when wet. It is illegal to show public affection on Sunday.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-26-2003 10:51 AM                        Rated G Canada Laws 30% of a radio stations content must be "Canadian Content". You may not pay for a fifty-cent item with only pennies. Citizens may not publicly remove bandages. It is illegal for clear or non-dark sodas to contain caffeine. No one in Canada may watch or listen to an encrypted broadcast which is not licensed by the Canadian government. This means using US satellite systems such as "DirecTV" is illegal. It is illegal to kill a sick person by frightening them. It is illegal to pretend to practice witchcraft.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-26-2003 10:58 AM                        Rated G Quebec Laws It is illegal to turn right on a red light at any time. Margarine producers can't make their margarine yellow. All business signs in the province of Quebec must be in French If the business operator wishes to have English on the sign, the French must be at least twice as large as the English is. There are no laws governing the usage of other languages on signs. -Bill 101 (Passed 1976) No language other than French is permitted to be shown out doors. Beaconsfield It is considered an offense to have more than two colors of paint on your house. You may not own a log cabin. Montréal The Queen Elizabeth Hotel must feed your horse freely when you rent a room. You may not wash your car in the street. You may not park a car in such a way that it is blocking your own driveway. "For Sale" signs are not permitted in the windows of moving vehicles. Cars parked in public places must be locked, and their windows must be down to less than the width of a hand. One's rear license plate may not be protected by glass or plastic. Citizens may not relieve themselves or spit on the street. Punishable by a fine of over 100 Canadian dollars. Outremont Not only do all exterior painting jobs require a permit (for color) but, for instance, the City went to Appeals Court over the exact type of division inside a window frame.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-26-2003 10:59 AM                        Rated G Nova Scotia Laws When raining, a person may not water his/her lawn.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-26-2003 11:01 AM                        Rated G New Brunswick Laws Driving on the roads is not allowed. [ 03-27-2003, 12:30 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-26-2003 11:03 AM                        Rated G Alberta Laws Businesses must provide rails for tying up horses. Wooden logs may not be painted. You may never use dice to play craps. If you are released from prison, it is required that you are given a handgun with bullets and a horse, so you can ride out of town.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-27-2003 05:22 PM                        Rated G (Read with Scotch Accent) A Scottsman was visiting a friend in Canada, both liked to hunt. They were hunting for deer, when all of a sudden, a moose popped up in front of them. It was so unexpected, neither of them had a chance to fire. The Scottsman was shaken. "Hoot mon, wot was that?!!?" "That was a moose", the Canadian replied. "A moose? Good Lord, I'd hate to see your Rrots!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2003 09:10 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee WELCOME TO NORTHERN ONTARIO, following are a few tips for anyone moving to this great place... First, the West Nile fever season here is really short.Ditto, malaria and any other disease carried by mosquitoes. At first,you may think snow is pretty. Snow is not pretty! By December you will feel as if you are living in a black-and-white movie. And there is a lot of snow! Deep snow! Deep snow that doesn't go away.The reason Northwest Airlines paints its tails red is so they can find the damned things. You will find new loves here. One of them will be underwear that goes all the way down to your ankles. Any underwear above the ankle is considered lingerie. When you pack to come to Northern Ontario,you need only to bring one short-sleeved shirt(and that's only in case you want to fly back home for vacation). Short-sleeved shirts are handed down here from generation.The short-sleeved shirt season here begins July 26 and is pretty much wrapped up by 3:30 on the 28th. We play a game here called hockey as well. Hockey coaches will kidnap your children before they even start school,so beware. They'll return them in April.As for baseball we never know if we have a team or not. Northern Ontario has more than 10,000 lakes,hundreds of thousands of miles of rivers and streams, millions of acres of forest,and one Tim Horton's.Guess where everybody wants to go? And do not call the homicide division to a beer joint because of what you see behind the bar.That's only a jar of pickled pig's feet.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2003 09:32 AM                        Rated G Norman and his blonde wife live in Prince George which is located in northern British Columbia. One winter morning while listening to the radio,they hear the announcer say,"We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast,the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through. " Norman's'' wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again,when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park on...... then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do? Norman say's: Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2003 01:55 PM                        Rated G The Butcher Sheldon, butcher just out of trade school in Canada applies for and gets a job,skinning and cutting up the kills of local hunters. The first project he gets is to cut up a moose to put in the freezer.Sheldon finally gets the moose cut up and is putting it into bags and marking them carefully with the contents: chops,rump steak,ribs,sirloin,etc,etc.When he finishes with the stuff he knows,he is still left with a pile of unidentifiable moose parts. At a loss as to what to do with them,he finally them all into one large bag and labels them .........."Moosellaneous."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-07-2003 05:15 PM                        Rated G Lorraine The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border.Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for generations.Mrs.Michaels,who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday,lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren. One day,her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news,Mom," he said."The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington.They've decided that our land is really part of the United States.We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement.What do you think?" "What do I think?" his mother said."Jump at it!Call them right now and tell them we accept!I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!" Someone has to warn her: There are no Butter Tartsin the U.S.A. (Much to their REGRET)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-07-2003 05:40 PM                        Rated PG Michele The following appeared recently in the Globe & Mail: Forget about Dog Bites Man.Relegate Man Bites Dog to the back pages.Today, we are dealing with Fish Swallows Dog, an item which reaches us by way of Moscow. The dog was swimming across the Pechora River to join its master when it vanished,leaving only a ripple.The dog's master,who was fishing at the time, hauled in his net and found it contained a giant pike.He looked closely at its mouth and said to himself (probably)"Thereby hangs a tail." Yes,it was Fido (or the Russian equivalent).The dog struggled out after the fish was cut open,and,according to Radio Moscow, hurled itself at the pike,"barking excitedly." It is often difficult for fishermen to tell stories about the one that got away.In this case,Radio Moscow notwithstanding, will it be any easier to tell about the one that didn't?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-10-2003 03:36 PM                        Rated G Texas builds it larger A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver "What's that building there?" "That's the Royal York Hotel" replied the cabbie. "The Royal York? How long did it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About 12 years" replied the cabbie. "12 years? We build 'em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months." A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre. "What's that building over there?" asked the Texan. "That's the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre" replied the cabbie. "Convention Centre? How long'd it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About three years" replied the cabbie. "Three years? We build 'em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes us about two weeks." Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower. "What's that building there?" asks the Texan, pointing at the tower. "Danged if I know" replied the cabbie, "It wasn't here when I drove by yesterday."  |  IP: Logged

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