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Author Topic: Canadians eh! Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-16-2003 06:36 AM                        Rated G Tourist in Canada: How do you get your lakes so blue? Park staff: We take the water out in the winter and paint the bottom. Tourist: Oh.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-20-2003 07:08 AM                        Rated G A Canadian study shows that smokers seem to have smaller penises,due to the smoking. Health Canada should take note of that penis study. There is no doubt that news of reduced size and endurance, if properly advertised, will end smoking once and for all in the male population ... of this man hath no greater fear. To save taxpayers a whole bunch of money, we asked the Page Six Research and Jingle Division -- currently out stocking up on nicotine gum and Viagra -- to create some new lines for those government warnings on cigarette packs. Here's what came up. * These cigarettes are king size -- and you're not. * Smoking sections in restaurants aren't the only things getting smaller. * If you don't reduce your smoking, your smoking will reduce you. * Smoking may lead to ridicule on your honeymoon. * Smoke rises -- you may not. * Second-hand smoke can be harmful to children -- if you were capable of conceiving any. * Cigarettes get shorter the more you puff -- so do you. * How can you enjoy a smoke afterwards if there's no before? * The only thing left after a smoke is a dead stub. * Don't throw lit cigarettes in the urinal -- you might not have the range to put them out. * Continue Smoking-- You just put your sex life in your hands.  |  IP: Logged Daryl C. W. O'Shea Film God Posts: 3977 From: Midland Ontario Canada (where Panavision & IMAX lenses come from) Registered: Jun 2002 posted 07-21-2003 02:40 AM                        Rated F (Family) An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about American churches. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would work his way across the country from South to North. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read"$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way. Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the American. He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston,and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it. The American, upon leaving Vermont saw a sign for Canada and decided to see if Canadians had the same phone. He arrived in Kingston, and again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "10 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. " Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in every state the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here? The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Canada now son, it's a local call".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-29-2003 12:04 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee In Vancouver I drove past a group of concerned parents protesting the presence of prostitutes in their neighborhood. They were carrying signs that read, "Keep our street prostitution free!" They were getting a lot of support from other motorists.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-21-2003 06:33 AM                        Rated G Shortly after arriving at the University of Washington,I joined some new friends on a trip to nearby Vancouver,British Columbia. It was my first trip outside the United States. At the border,a guard asked how long we would stay in Canada. Knowing it would be after midnight when we returned, I asked, "How late will we be able to get back across the border?" "Any time, Ma'am," the guard said. "We never close Canada."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-09-2003 01:27 PM                        Rated G You know you're from Ontario, Canada when... 1. "Vacation" means going to Barrie for the weekend. 2. You measure distance in hours. 3. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day. 4. You know several people who have hit deer more than once. 5. You use a down comforter in the summer. 6. Your grandparents drive at 100 km/h through four meters of snow during a blizzard, without flinching. 7. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them. 8. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. 9. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled. 10. You know all four seasons: Almost winter, winter, still winter, and construction. 11. You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your friends from Ontario.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-18-2003 11:51 AM                        Rated G How Canada Got Named There were three explorers,hiking through what is now known as Canada. You know, said one of the explorers, we should name this place were hiking through. I know, said the second explorer. We'll each pick a letter and then make a name out of that. Ok, said the third, I'll go first, C,eh.N,eh.D,eh.... and that's how they named Canada.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-01-2003 03:17 PM                        Rated G Michele A tourist in Canada celebrated the 4th of July by getting stone drunk. He became obnoxious and disorderly,and was hauled into court for disturbing the peace. "How do you plead?" the Judge asked. "Not guilty!" replied the accused. "How can you plead 'not guilty'? You're drunker than a skunk," the judge said. "Well, you see,it's like this, your honor.I was only following orders.When I got into town,there was this big sign that said, DRINK CANADA DRY.And that's what I did."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-11-2003 04:40 AM                        Rated G ED in Aurora, Ont. Two boys are playing hockey on a frozen pond in a Red Deer, Alberta, park when one of the boys is suddenly attacked by a crazed Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his hockey stick, shoves it under the dog's collar, twists it, and breaks the dog's neck, saving his friend. A reporter is strolling by, sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Flames Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Flames fan," the little hero replies. "Sorry, since we're in Alberta, I just assumed you were," says the reporter and he starts writing again. "Oilers Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he writes in his notebook. "I'm not an Oilers fan either," the boy says. "Oh, I assumed everyone in Alberta was either for the Flames or the Oilers. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks. "I'm a Maple Leafs fan," the boy replies. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes: "Little Bastard" From Ontario Kills Beloved Family Pet."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-07-2004 07:13 AM                        Rated G A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy asked his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some jerk wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" "Canada, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but hookers and hockey players up there." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada." "No shit??" replied the boy... "Who'd she play for?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2004 08:21 PM                        This site is for Canadians only. If you are an American and you click her you will be embarassed. I of course am different as I am 1/2 & 1/2. Be Patient it takes a little while to load but worth it. http://www.cbc.ca/chillybeach/trivia/trivia26.swf  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-12-2004 05:39 PM                        Rated G Ada in Long Lake WELFARE APPLICATION GOOFS: SENTENCES TAKEN FROM ACTUAL LETTERS RECEIVED BY THE TORONTO WELFARE DEPARTMENT FROM APPLICATIONS FOR AID AND ASSISTANCE. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I have seven but one died and was baptized on half sheet of paper. I am writing to the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old.When do I get my money? Mrs.Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visitedregularly by the clergy. I cannot get sick pay.I have six children,can you tell me why? I am glad to report that my husband who was reported missing is dead. This is my eighth child,what are you going to do about it? Please find for certain if my husband is dead,the man I am living with can't eat or do anything until he finds out. I am very annoyed that you have branded my son illiterate, as this is a lie.I was married to his father a week before he was born. In answer to your letter I have given birth to a boy weighing ten lbs.I hope this is satisfactory. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children, one of which was a mistake as you can see. My husband had his project cut off two weeks ago,and I haven't had any relief since. Unless I get my money soon,I will be forced to lead an immortal life. You have changed my little boy to a little girl.Will this make any difference? I haven't had children as yet as my husband is a bus driver and works day and night. In accordance with your instructions,I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope. I want money as quick as I can get it.I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and this doesn't seem to do me any good.If things don't improve I will be forced to send for another doctor. It is true I am a bachelor and have deducted for two children. Butplease believe me when I say it was an accident. Please excuse the condition of my messy form.I really should have been more careful. I am a vermin destroyer but have not earned anything for some months. I shall be glad to call on you at your convenience. Please send me a claim form as I have had a baby.I had one before but it got dirty and I burned it. I cannot pay the full amount at the moment as my husband is in hospital. As soon as I can I will send on the remains. Please correct this assessment. I have not worked for the past three months as I have broken my leg. Hoping you will do the same.... Quick: Send "Butter Tarts".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-13-2004 03:30 PM                        Rated G Top 10 Signs You're Pure Italian-Canadian 1. At 35, you still have a phobia of walking through your parent's dining room. 2. As a child, your last week of summer holidays were always spent putting caps on sauce-filled Mio bottles. 3. Contrary to medical literature,you still believe that eating two plates of pasta,three fried veal cutlets,two sausages,and a half bottle of wine makes for a healthy meal. 4. You "close" the light and "open" the TV 5. You maintain that broom handles, wooden spoons, and slippers are all tools for effective parenting. 6. Although the food isn't as good, you prefer attending relatives'funerals over weddings because they're so much cheaper. 7. You can rebuild a motor and frame a house, but couldn't operate a washing machine if your life depended on it. 8. Every picture frame, salt shaker, nut cracker, candle holder, and butter knife in your home is a "bomboniere" from previous weddings. 9. Because of years of getting yelled at by your mother, you know more saint names than the Pope. 10. Your father signed you up for hockey just long enough to accumulate enough broken sticks for his garden.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-14-2004 10:58 AM                        Rated R Michele The following are all replies that Canadian women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details: -------------------------------------------------------------- Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night.I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted.If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.I have never had sex with a man. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? From the dates it seems that my daughter, she was conceived at Euro Disney; Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-30-2004 07:16 AM                        Rated G A Canadian aide to the prime minister has apologized for labeling George W. Bush a "moron". George W was not offended. As president, he expects to be called four letter words.  |  IP: Logged

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