|
|
This topic comprises 10 pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
|
|
Author
|
Topic: Canadians eh!
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 02-10-2004 09:01 AM
Rated PG ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Ed in Aurora, Ontario
Happily Married
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along.
"So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning,they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly,almost without a ripple.
This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool.She did laps in freestyle,breast stroke,even butterfly!
After about thirty laps,completed in mere minutes,she climbed back out and lay down on her towel,barely breathing hard.
He said,"That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No",she said,"I was a hooker in Halifax and I worked both sides of the harbour." ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
| IP: Logged
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 02-11-2004 02:15 PM
Rated PG Michele
I don't make this up...I don't have to!
When a man broke into a house in Newmarket, Ont.,Canada, thehomeowners, identified only as Clifford, 66, and Gladys, 59, foughtback."I shoved him down the basement stairs," Clifford said. "He fell down all 10 stairs and I ran down behind him ...
and kept punching him and punching him.He kept yelling at me to stop hitting him because he was on drugs.But I told him I wasn't finished with him yet."
Neither was Clifford's wife,who whacked the robber repeatedly
with a tea kettle.Why that? "I couldn't find the rolling pin so I picked up the first thing I saw," Gladys said.
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 03-31-2004 10:26 AM
Rated G B.B.
Polish Divorce
A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so and,although his English was far from perfect,they got on very well.Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him-"very quick".
The lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would depend
on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:
LAWYER: Have you any grounds?
POLE: JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3
bedrooms.
LAWYER "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
Pole: "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," he responded.
LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No," he replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never
really needed one."
LAWYER "I mean, What are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations are in Poland."
LAWYER: "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE:
"Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1
sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your
questions is yes."
LAWYER: No, I mean Does your wife beat you up?
POLE: NO, I'm always up before her.
LAWYER: Is your wife a nagger?
POLE: NO, she white.
LAWYER: WHY do you want this divorce?
POLE: SHE going to kill me.
LAWYER: What makes you think that?
POLE: I got proof.
LAWYER: What kind of proof?
POLE:
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store
and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read - it says,
"Polish Remover"
| IP: Logged
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 05-06-2004 08:32 AM
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont
Dad was having a drink in a bar in Seattle when He gets a
Call on the hotel line.
He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear & orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because,he announces,his wife has just produced a typical Canadian baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Canadian just shrugs,"That's about average up north, folks.
Like I said, my boy's a typical Canadian baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around & many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard.
One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Dad returns to the bar.
The bartender says "Say,you're the father of that typical Canadian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth,aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you... so how much does he weigh now?"
Dad answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled & concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."
Father takes a slow swig from his Molson Canadian,wipes his lips on his shirtsleeve,leans into the bartender & proudly says, "Had him circumcised".
| IP: Logged
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 05-07-2004 04:24 AM
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
This is only for the hockey fans -
Four Canadian hockey fans are mountain climbing.
Each climber happens to bean avid fan of a different NHL team. One from Edmonton,one from Toronto,one from Vancouver and the other from Ottawa.
As they climb higher and higher, they argue more and more about which of them is the most loyal to their particular hockey team.
As they reach the summit,the climber from Edmonton takes a running leap and throws himself off the mountain, yelling,
"This is for the Edmonton Oilers!"
Not wanting to be outdone,the climber from Vancouver throws himself off the mountain,shouting,"This is for the Vancouver Canucks!"
Seeing this, the Ottawa fan walks to the edge and yells,"This is for hockey fans everywhere!"
He then pushes the fan from Toronto.
off the cliff.
| IP: Logged
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 06-08-2004 06:42 AM
Rated G Ed in Aurora,Ont.
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their duties.
The first man had married a woman from Pennsylvania.He bragged that he had told his wife to do all the dishes and clean the house. He said that it took her a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Kentucky. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told the men that the first day he didn't see any results, but by the next day it was better, and on the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Canadian girl. He boasted that he told her his house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and laundry folded. And this was all her responsibility. He said the first day he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye!
Got to love those Canadian girls!
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 07-26-2004 03:47 PM
Rated G ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
Canada, my home and native land, eh!
What It Means To Be Canadian
(By Kevin Burns with thanks and apologies to Will & Ian Ferguson's "How To Be A Canadian")
At least once in our lives, you will hear us screaming, "Hap me. Hap me. Tumbuddy pwease hap me!" (The sounds emanating from that person with a tongue frozen to a flagpole, even if Mom said, "Don't do it.!")
Our national animal is the beaver; renowned for its hard work, even temper, industrious nature...oh who are we kidding. It's a forty-pound water rat whose most heroic trait is to slap its tail to warn his buddies before he runs away. And it's not like we were short on choices either. But we stuck with the beaver and now we spend millions every year blowing up and bulldozing the work it does. So very, very Canadian.
It's here in Canada, where the vision of Jesus was found on the side of a Tim Horton's in Bras D'or, Nova Scotia (Cape Breton Island), thus now making Timmy's the new found Church of The Land. Finally, a seven-day-a-week shrine. Now we line up in droves every morning to toss a Toonie into the collection plate and be blessed with a fritter and double-double.
Only in Canada do we know what either a fritter or a double-double is...or a "Toonie" for that matter.
Although our country is vast (about 100 square miles for each person), we settle mostly near the U.S. border and huddle for warmth.
If it's not deep-fried in grease and covered with either sugar or gravy, we won't eat it. See "Poutine" in Quebec, "Beaver Tails" in Ottawa, "Elephant Ears" on the Prairies and TimBits at every crossroads.
Maple Syrup - If it comes from a tree, it must be healthy.
Molly's Reach - Home to Nick, Jesse and Relic. The Persephone is out front. You've got to be Canadian to get it.
Contrary to popular belief, the national anthem is not the theme from "Hockey Night In Canada."
We, as a culture, will actually pay someone to sell us furniture that we have to put together with a little odd-sized wrench that tends to create more curse words than heard on Christmas Eve. Oh, but we're smarter than the Swedes, aren't we?
Driving in Canada? Here's what you need to know:
In the Maritimes,everyone says,"After you!" It's done with a little flick of the headlights.So polite. So Canadian. Traffic is slow.
In Montreal,it's gang-jaywalkers. Since it's unlikely that a driver could take out the whole crowd, they break the law in packs.
In Toronto, the traffic lights are interpreted as follows: Green - "Don't stop." Yellow - "Faster.Faster." Red -"Screw 'em. they deserved to die."
In Winnipeg - "Sorry." (If you've been there, you'll understand it.)
In Saskatchewan - The word "Saskatchewan" is an ancient native word for, "I can turn left from any bloody lane I want." Turn-signals are sold as an extra on cars.
In Alberta - Posted speed of 110 kmh means for each person in your car.
In Vancouver - pedestrians are viewed simply as slalom obstacles that continue to move. Applying brakes while on this course is not allowed.
In Victoria, since there are no cars, only golf-carts and motorized wheelchairs, there is no reason to turn up your hearing-aid, since you wouldn't hear them coming anyway. Speeds not over 20 kmh.
"Yeah, but it's a dry cold."
Speaking true Canadian eh? Here's a phrase only Canadians would understand. "Last night, I cashed my pogey and went and bought a mickey of C.C. at the beer parlour, but my skidoo got stuck in the muskeg on my way to the duplex. So I get the half-ton and I was trying to deke a deer, eh. Friggin' Chinook melted everything. Then this Mountie in a ghost car gave me an impaired. I was S.O.L. Only had my toque and Stanfields on. The Mountie, he's all chippy, calling me a "S**t disturber." So all I could say was, "Chimo."
Canada, where it's never too cold to go to the mall!
How to get 100 Canadians out of a swimming pool. Simply say, "Could we please ask you to get out of the pool?" They will.
In Saskatchewan, there are skid marks on the Trans Canada highway. The question remains, "What did someone have to stop suddenly for that they didn't see coming for miles?"
Curling. An Olympic sport we may not have invented, but we perfected it by encouraging smoking and drinking while on the playing surface.
Bonspiel - another word for "big drunk." Adding booze as a prize in a Bonspiel would seem redundant.
While coffee shops around the world are charging over $3.50 for a cup of coffee, in Canada, our prices are actually going down. If Tim Horton were still alive, he'd be Prime Minister.
There is a lot of Canadian money in Third World countries, unfortunately it's mostly Canadian Tire money since many Canadians have a fun time convincing unsuspecting street vendors that the picture on the money was of our King.
Only in Canada would our Head of State give us the finger and would we cheer and re-elect him.
Only in Canada would a guy stagger out of a bar at closing time, attempt to navigate every square inch of real estate between the front door of the bar and his car. He would stagger and stumble in plain view of the police, unlock the car door, get in, start the car and wait for the police to stop him from driving any further. It would be then that without a slur and without a drink consumed, he would inform the police that he was, in fact, the "D.D." (not Designated Driver but "Designated Decoy" so that his drunk buddies could run to their vehicles and drive home.)
Mike Myers, Dan Ayckroyd, Jim Carrey, Peter Jennings, Shania Twain, Brian Adams, Caroline Rhea, Jill Hennessey, Michael J. Fox, Matthew Perry, Raymond Burr, John Candy, Dave Foley, Brendan Fraser, Robert Goulet, Lorne Greene, Phil Hartman, Eugene Levy, Howie Mandel, Rick Moranis, Martin Short, Leslie Nielsen, Christopher Plummer, Jason Priestly, Keanu Reeves, William Shatner, Donald Sutherland, Kiefer Sutherland, Dave Thomas, Pamela Anderson, Neve Campbell, Kim Cattrall, Margot Kidder, Shannon Tweed, Louis B. Mayer, Lorne Michaels, Monty Hall, Rich Little, Alex Trebek, Paul Shaffer, Neil Young, Robbie Robertson and Cirque de Soleil are all household names. They only became household names when they left the household (Canada).
Canadians have a deep respect for authority and they prefer law and order to anarchy and freedom. Why? Because the authorities told them to, that's why.
I am Canadian. (Not available in Quebec).
Canadians dislike Americans but they're not sure why.
If you hear the name "Elvis" and think of figure skating, you're Canadian.
Canadians have photos of themselves taken beside large objects next to the highway. (If not a large object, then in front of a Provincial boundary sign).
And finally...Canadians remember where they were when Paul scored, when Ben got caught and when Wayne was traded. (Real Canadians don't need last names).
It's Good To Be Canadian Eh?
| IP: Logged
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 11-04-2004 09:51 AM
Rated G This was sent in by a cousin in Kingston,Ontario
An American view of Canadians
Thoughts On Canadians:
An American Perspective
By Samantha Bennett
Source: Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
You live next door to a clean-cut,quiet guy.He never plays loud music or throws raucous parties. He doesn't gossip over the fence,just smiles politely and offers you some tomatoes.His lawn is cared for,his house is neat as a pin and you get the feeling he doesn't always lock his front door.
He wears Dockers. You hardly know he's there.And then one day youdiscover that he has pot in his basement,spends his weekends at peace marches and that guy you've seen mowing the yard is his spouse.
Allow me to introduce Canada.
The Canadians are so quiet that you may have forgotten they're up there,but they've been busy doing some surprising things. It's like discovering that the mice you are dimly aware of in your attic have been building an espresso machine.
Did you realize,for example,that our reliable little tag along brother never joined the Coalition of the Willing? Canada wasn't willing,as it turns out, to join the fun in Iraq. I can only assume American diner menus weren't angrily changed to include
"freedom bacon," because nobody he eats the stuff anyway.
And then there's the wild drug situation: Canadian doctors are authorized to dispense medical marijuana. Parliament is considering legislation that would not exactly legalize marijuana possession, as you may have heard, but would reduce the penalty for possession of under 15 grams to a fine, like a
speeding ticket.This is to allow law enforcement to concentrate resources on traffickers; if your garden is full of wasps, it's smarter to go for the nest rather than trying to swat every individual bug. Or,in the United States,bong.
Now, here's the part that I, as an American, can't understand. These poor benighted pinkos are doing everything wrong. They have a drug problem: Marijuana offenses have doubled since 1991. And Canada has strict gun control laws,which means that the criminals must all be heavily armed, the law-abiding civilians helpless and the government on the verge of a massi confiscation campaign. (The laws have been in place since the '70s, but I'm sure the government will get around to the confiscation eventually.)
They don't even have a death penalty!
And yet .. nationally, overall crime in Canada has been declining since 1991. Violent crimes fell 13 percent in 2002. Of course, there are still crimes committed with guns brought in from the United States, which has become the major illegal weapons supplier for all of North America but theory is that the surge in pot smoking has rendered most criminals too relaxed to commit violent crimes.They're probably more focused on
shoplifting boxes of Ho-Hos from convenience stores.
And then there's the most reckless move of all.
Just last month, Canada decided to allow and recognize same sex marriages.
Merciful moose, what can they be thinking? Will there be married Mounties(they always get their man!)? Dudley Do-Right was sweet on Nell, not Mel!
We must be the only ones who really care about families. Not enough to make sure they all have health insurance,of course, but more than those libertines up north.
This sort of behavior is a clear and present danger to all our stereotypes about Canada. It's supposed to be a cold, wholesome country of polite,beer drinking hockey players, not founded by freedom fighters in a bloody revolution but quietly assembled by loyalists and royalists more interested in order and good government than liberty and independence.
But if we are the rugged individualists,why do we spend so much of ourtime trying to get everyone to march in lockstep? And if Canadians are so reserved and moderate, why are they so progressive about letting people do what they want to?
Canadians are,as a nation,less religious than we are,according to polls.As a result, Canada's government isn't influenced by large, well organized religious groups and thus has more in common with those of Scandinavia than those of the United States,or,say,Iran.
Canada signed the Kyoto global warming treaty,lets 19-year-olds drink,has more of its population living in urban areas and accepts more immigrants per capita than the United States. These are all things we've been told will wreck our society. But I guess Canadians are different, because theirs seems oddly sound. Like teenagers, we fiercely idolize individual freedom but really demand that everyone be the same. But the Canadians seem more adult, more secure.
They aren't afraid of foreigners. They aren't afraid of homosexuality.
Most of all, they're not afraid of each other.
I wonder if America will ever be that cool.
| IP: Logged
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 11-05-2004 07:05 AM
Rated PG Ed in Aurora, Ont.
Alligators In Ottawa.
Two Alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near
Ottawa.The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.We're the same age,we was the same size as kids.I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big 'gator, what you been eaten' boy?"
"Members of Parliament,same as you," replied the small'gator.
"Hmm.Well, where do y'all catch 'em?" "Down on the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Parliament Buildings."
"Same here,hmm, how do you catch them?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of them Lexus and wait for one to unlock the car door.Then I jump out, grab 'them by the leg,and
shake the shit out of them,and eat them!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem.You ain't getting' any real nourishment.See,by the time you get done shaken' the shit out of a MP, there ain't nothing' left
but an asshole and a briefcase."
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 12-31-2004 11:31 PM
Rated G
Hold the Lantern
In a isolated fishing village in Newfoundland,a Newfie's wife went into labour in the middle of the night,and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said,"Here, you hold this high so I can see what I am doing."
Soon,a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there",said the doctor, "don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down.
I think there's another one coming.
Sure enough,within minutes,he had delivered a baby girl.
"Hold that lantern up, there's another one!" said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered another baby girl.
"Don't put down that lantern! there's another one coming!" cried the doctor.
"Laird tunder in boy" said the Newfie,who scratched his head in
bewilderment,"Ya reckon the light's attractin 'em?"
[ 01-01-2005, 08:30 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
| IP: Logged
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 02-15-2005 08:53 AM
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont. Ca
Take a deep breath before you read this one.
Paddy and Mick worked together in St. John's, Newfoundland and both were laid off,so they went to the unemployment office.
When asked his occupation, Paddy answered,"Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies cotton panties and tongs."
The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and finding it classified as unskilled labour,he gave him $80 a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied,"Diesel fitter."
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 a week.
When Paddy found out he was furious.He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The Clerk explained "Panty Stitchers are unskilled and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.
"What skill? yelled Paddy.I sew da elastic on da panties and tongs;Mick puts 'em over his head and says: "Yep, diesel fitter."
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
All times are Central (GMT -6:00)
|
This topic comprises 10 pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
|
Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classicTM
6.3.1.2
The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion
and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.
|
Home
![[Confused]](confused.gif)
Printer-friendly view of this topic