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Author Topic: Canadians eh! Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-14-2005 09:56 AM                        Rated G Lorraine An Englishman was being shown all over the Niagara Falls for the first time. "Isn't it something?" said his Canadian guide, waiting for a reaction. "Runs all night too, I suppose," said the Englishman.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2005 02:03 PM                        Rated G Top joke in Canada When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 Celsius. The Russians used a pencil.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-21-2005 01:36 PM                        Rated PG "This is interesting... Canadian researchers now say they've found a way to determine how aggressive a man is based on his finger length. They say the shorter the index finger is relative to the ring finger, the more aggressive he is. And he's really aggressive if the middle finger is constantly extended." ~~Jay Leno  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-23-2005 06:25 PM                        Rated G B.B. I would like to share an old Native Canadian chant. Each year during the first week of June, the Native Canadians would wake up at sunrise and repeat their chant over and over. They say this powerful chant primarily for three very important reasons: 1. To ensure that their crops are bountiful and will keep them and their families fed all year; 2. To ward off harm/evil; 3. And gain great wisdom. It goes like this: Oooooh waaaaah (pause) Taaaaa foooooo (pause) Lie aaaammmm (pause) Now repeat it without the pause. As you repeat it more often and more quickly, its message becomes clear and you will become wise! Try it. It works very well and very quickly!!!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-28-2005 12:35 PM                        Rated G Hank in Simi Valley A Hawaiian Woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Hawaiian woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Canadian woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaii woodpecker was in awe. The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a Canadian tree that was absolutely unpeckable. The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. After flying to Canada , the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem. The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own country? After much pecking, they both came to the same conclusion. Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-29-2005 03:08 PM                        Rated G "Well, under new requirements,they say Canadians who up to this point only needed to show a drivers license to cross the border, will now need a passport. Canadians coming into the United States will need to bring a passport, or a bag of cheap prescription drugs."  |  IP: Logged Steven Privett Expert Film Handler Posts: 208 From: Pasadena, TX, USA Registered: Dec 2000 posted 08-01-2005 02:58 AM                    Rated G After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Señor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King of Beers,’ a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it. The guy from Molson sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Molson’s?” The Molson president replies, “Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I.”  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-10-2005 02:58 PM                        Rated G "We are here in Toronto this week! Here in Canada the rapper 50 cent is known as Seventy-Five Cents." ~~Conan O'Brian  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-17-2005 09:58 AM                        Rated G The big leap Picture if you will, a mountain high on top of the world with a sharp cliff that provides an excellent jump to your death. There are three men standing by this cliff and remarking at what a long way down it is. Suddenly, a good fairy appears and says: "Good gentlemen I will give you one wish. As you jump off this cliff, call out your wish, and I will grant you your wish and safe passage to ground level." So, the first man, who by the way was Italian, took a running start and jumped off the cliff. As he plumetted to almost certain human death, he called out, "An IROC CAMARO with big fuzzy dice hanging in the window and a gorgeous girl to go along." And just as the good fairy promised, he landed safely in between his new "car" and gorgeous blond girl, where he proceeded to run from one to the other, not knowing which one to kiss first. The second man, being an East Indian by the name of Raj, saw what happened to the Italian Stallion and ran off the cliff happily screaming with his distinctive accent: "Riches and fame." It was a short and simple request, but that was all the English he could handle while jumping off a cliff. Well, low and behold as he reaches the bottom safely he is swarmed by dozens of adoring fans, while a limousine full of money arrives to pick him up. Well, the last fellow was a short, stout fellow from a faraway place in a most northern country called Canada. This fellow is commonly referred to as a NEWFIE. The Newfie was so impressed at how the other two gentlemen had prospered in life that he gave grave and careful thought to what he would say as he plumeted off the cliff at break neck speeds. So, he began to run, and just as he neared the edge of the cliff he tripped on a stone and fell off the cliff, yelling with disgust: "Shit!!!" And thus, he safely landed.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-17-2005 03:09 PM                        Rated G Attributed to Sir John A. MacDonald, Canada's first prime minister : Heckler : I wouldn't vote for you if you were the Angel Gabriel. Sir John A. : My friend, you're so right; you wouldn't be in my constituency.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-20-2005 03:09 PM                        Rated G I don't know the original source; suffice it to say that I saw it on a photo-copied piece of paper. I have updated it to fit current North-American political and taxation trends... Combined Canada / U.S Income Tax Calculation and Remittance Form (Simplified) Form #2005-1a North-American Free Trade Agreement Tax Treaty 2005 Tax Year How much money did you make? $_______.___ Send it in! $_______.___  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-12-2005 08:14 AM                        Rated G The news reported that David Dingwall, the president and CEO of the Royal Canadian Mint, has resigned. He obviously wasn't making enough money.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-26-2005 04:13 PM                        Rated PG Ed In Aurora, Ont. CA The Ant & the Grasshopper - Canada's version CLASSIC VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold. THE END THE CANADIAN VERSION: So true it's scary. The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like him, are cold and starving. The CBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food. Canadians are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. The NDP, the CAW and the Coalition Against Poverty demonstrate in front of the ant's house. The CBC, interrupting an Inuit cultural festival special from Nunavut with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall Overcome" . Sven Robinson rants in an interview with Pamela Wallin that the ant has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share". In response to polls, the Liberal Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant's taxes are reassessed, and he is also fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as helpers. Without enough money to pay both the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the government confiscates his home. The ant moves to the US, and starts a successful agribiz company. The CBC later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the ant's food, though Spring is still months away, while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it. Inadequate government funding is blamed, Roy Romanow is appointed to head a commission of enquiry that will cost $10,000,000. The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the Toronto Star blames it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity. The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders, praised by the government for enriching Canada's multicultural diversity, who promptly set up a marijuana grow op and terrorize the community. THE END  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-03-2006 02:28 PM                        Rated G Newly issued alcohol warnings The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage. 1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away. 2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot. 3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you 4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish. 5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him. 6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead. 7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Joe.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-16-2006 11:44 AM                        Rated G "The reigning Miss Canada has been arrested for punching out another woman in a bar fight. Quite frankly, I think it's refreshing to finally find one beauty pageant winner who is against world peace." -- Jay Leno  |  IP: Logged

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