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Topic: Canadians eh!
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-24-2006 08:46 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Ed in Aurora, Ont.
A company was looking to hire someone for an important position,so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of Canada.
In an attempt to pick one of them,they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours,and the one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was: A man and a woman are in bed,nude.The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man,and the man is lying on his side facing the woman s back.
What is the man's name?
After the 24 hours was up,the three were brought in to give their answers.
The first from Vancouver,says,"My answer is,there is no answer."
The second,from Toronto,says,"My answer is,that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."
The third one from Newfoundland says,"I'm not exactly sure,but I have it narrowed down to two names.
It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer." ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
The Newfoundlander got the job.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-20-2006 07:08 AM
Rated G Faye in Kingston
A Different Christmas Poem
The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,
I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.
My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.
Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,
Transforming the yard to a winter delight.
The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,
Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.
My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.
In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,
So slumbered I, perhaps I started to dream.
The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near,
But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear.
Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know, Then the
sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.
My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,
And I crept to the door just to see who was near.
Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.
A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,
Perhaps a Ranger, huddled here in the cold.
Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.
"What are you doing?" I asked without fear,
"Come in this moment, it's freezing out here!
Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,
You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!"
For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,
Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts…
To the window that danced with a warm fire's light
Then he sighed and he said "Its really all right,
I'm out here by choice. I'm here every night."
"It's my duty to stand at the front of the line,
That separates you from the darkest of times.
No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me.
My Gramps died in Europe on a day in December,"
Then he sighed, "That's a Christmas 'Gram always remembers."
My dad stood his watch in the jungles of 'Nam',
And now it is my turn and so, here I am.
I've not seen my own son in more than a while,
But my wife sends me pictures, he's sure got her smile.
Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,
The red and the white ... a Canadian flag.
I can live through the cold and the being alone,
Away from my family, my house and my home.
I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat.
I can carry the weight of killing another,
Or lay down my life with my sister and brother…
Who stand at the front against any and all,
To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall."
"So go back inside," he said, "harbor no fright,
Your family is waiting and I'll be all right."
"But isn't there something I can do, at the least,
"Give you money," I asked, "or prepare you a feast?
It seems all too little for all that you've done,
For being away from your wife and your son."
Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,
"Just tell us you love us, and never forget.
To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone,
To stand your own watch, no matter how long.
For when we come home, either standing or dead,
To know you remember we fought and we bled.
Is payment enough, and with that we will trust,
That we mattered to you as you mattered to us."
Author unknown
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-01-2007 08:19 AM
Rated R ![[Eek!]](eek.gif) Ross
This is a joke that is supposed to bring you luck.
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morni ng with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's
office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied,
"$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"
The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"
"Certainly", replied the pre sident. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."
"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !"
The origin of this Canadian story is unknown but it brings luck to everyone to whom it is sent. Whoever breaks the chain would definitely be unlucky.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-03-2007 12:09 PM
Rated G Hank in Simi Valley
This got my endorphins soaring… very funny!
Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people the world over are asking!!!!
Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?( England )
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto ; can I follow the Railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only four thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? ( Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. ( Italy )
A: Let's not touch this one.
Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax ? ( England )
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe . Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary . Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ? ( England )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary , straight after the hippo races. Now you come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? ( Germany )
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you sell it in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget its name. It 's a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA )
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-23-2007 02:04 PM
Rated G
GOOD:
A Saskatchewan policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money.
And we used to just sell lemonade!)
BETTER:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Edmonton AB. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
BEST:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Saskatchewan R.C.M.P. Officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the R.C.M.P. Ball. "He replied, "Ma'am, Saskatchewan R.C.M.P. don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and drove off. She was laughing too hard to start her car.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-23-2007 02:08 PM
Rated G
For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no bike!"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-27-2007 07:14 AM
Rated G Bev in Toronto
Once upon a time in heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, on the seventh day, Micheal, the archangel, found him.
"Look, Micheal. Look what I've made. It's a planet. And I've put LIFE on it. It will be called Earth, and it will be a planet of balance."
"Balance?" asked Micheal, confused.
"For example," continued God. "Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while Southern Europe will be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over here a continent of black people. This one will be extremely hot and arid, while this one will be covered in ice."
Micheal, impressed by God's work, pointed at one landmass in the top corner and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That is Canada. The most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."
"But what about the balance, God? The BALANCE?"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the loudmouthed bastards I'm putting UNDER them..."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-06-2007 07:22 PM
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
Nominee for Best CANADIAN Joke of the year...
A Somali arrives in Toronto as a new immigrant to the Canada .
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, 'Thank you Mr. Canadian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, Money for food, free medical care, and free education!'
The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Jamaican.'
The man goes on and encounters another passerby.'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Canada !'
The person says, 'I not Canadian, I Vietnamese.'
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, Shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Canada !'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am Not Canadian!'
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an Canadian?'
She says, 'No, I am from Africa !'
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Canadians?'
The African lady checks her watch and says...'Probably at work.'
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-17-2007 02:14 PM
Rated G Faye in Kingston
Why I Love Ontario ....
It's winter in Ontario
And the gentle breezes blow,
70 miles per hour at 52 below!
Oh, how I love Ontario
When the snow's up to your butt.
You take a breath of winter air
And your nose is frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful,
I guess I'll hang around.
I could never leave Ontario,
'Cause I'm frozen to the ground.
*******************************************
The real Ontario Driver's Handbook
For anyone who has commuted or even just driven on the 401 through Toronto,the 2008 version of the Ontario Driver's Handbook has been rewritten to include the following guidance:
1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident Ontario driver avoids using them.
2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front of you; the space will just be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less of a chance you have of getting hit.
4. Warning! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No-one
expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.
5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive
bodywork, especially with P.Q. or Maritime plates.With no fault insurance,the other operator has nothing to lose.
6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous foot massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to strengthen your leg muscles.
7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a
good way to prepare other drivers entering the highway.
8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures; they are given only as a
suggestion and are not enforceable in Ontario during rush hour, especially in the G.T.A..
9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that an Ontario driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
10. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even
someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.
11. Learn to swerve abruptly without signalling. Ontario is the home of high-speed slalom-driving, thanks to the Department of Public Works,which puts pot-holes in key locations to test drivers'reflexes and keep them alert.
12. It is tradition in Ontario to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not move within three milliseconds of the light turning green.
13. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or roll-over, it is important to exit your vehicle through the windshield right away.Wearing your seat belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from danger.
14. Remember that the goal of every Ontario driver is to get ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.
THANK YOU
The Ontario Registrar of Motor Vehicles
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-12-2008 01:31 PM
Rated G Denny in Yonkers Newfie Joke
One hot summer day, a Newfie came to town with his dog, tied it
under the shade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked,
'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'
The Newfie said it was his. 'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
The Newfie replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up
under that shade tree.
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'
'No way,' said the Newfie. 'That dog don't need bread. She ain't hungry cause I fed her this mornin'.'
The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex!'
(You gotta love this)
The Newfie looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-18-2008 10:23 AM
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
CLASSIC VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool,and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so
he dies out in the cold.
THE END
THE CANADIAN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. So far, so good, eh?
The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like him, are cold and starving.
The CBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper, with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.
Canadians are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.
The NDP, the CAW and the Coalition Against Poverty demonstrate in front of the ant's house. The CBC, interrupting an Inuit cultural festival special from Nunavut with breaking news, broadcasts them singing 'We Shall Overcome.'
Jack Layton rants in an interview with Mike Duffy that the ant has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his 'fair share'.
The Liberals draft the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The ant's taxes are reassessed, and he is also fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as helpers.
Without enough money to pay both the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
The ant moves to the US and starts a successful agribiz company.
The CBC later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the ant's food, though spring is still months away, while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it.
Inadequate government funding is blamed, Bob Rae is appointed to head a commission of enquiry that will cost $10,000,000.
The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the Toronto Star blames it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity.
The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders, praised by the government for enriching Canada 's multicultural diversity, who promptly set up a marijuana grow op and terrorize the community.
THE END
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