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Topic: Canadians eh!
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-14-2006 04:54 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Ed in Aurora
A young man named Mike applied for an engineering position at a Newfoundland firm based in St.John's.
A Mainlander applied for the position too and both applicants having the same qualifications, were asked to take the same standard test by the company manager.
Upon completion, both men missed getting a perfect score by only getting one wrong answer.
The company manager went over to Mike and said, "Thank you for applying for the position but we have decided to give it to the Mainlander."
"And why would ye be doing dat?" asked Mike. "We bote get nine of de questions roight. Dis being de Rock, and me a Newfie, I tink I should be gettin' de jab!"
The manager then replied, "We based our decision, not on the correct answers, but on the one that you missed."
Mike says "And jest how could one answer be more wrong dan anudder?"
"Simple", replied the manager. "On question number seven, the Mainlander wrote down "I don't know."
You put down "Needer do I ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-04-2006 10:09 AM
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
"Love Them Newfoundlanders"
Two Newfies, George and Frank, are getting tired of Newfoundland and start to think about moving out west for a better life.
George is all for it but Frank is a bit skeptical.
George says, "Frank bye, the work is plentiful, lotsa tings ta do and it'll be a good change fer us".
Frank replies, "I know Garge but what about the 'tlantic?
Won't you miss the fishin' and smell of the salt water in the mornin'?"
George agrees, but offers an idea, "Well Frank, why don't you take your fishin' dory witcha and when ever ya starts to miss the rock ya can hop in your dory and fantasize about St. Johns"
Well that's all it took to convince Frank, and they strap the dory to the roof of the truck and off they go.
Well it's been 4 days driving and Frank is really missing Newfoundland, so George stops the truck in the middle of the prairies and says, "Look out at dose flat wheat fields Frank, doesn't dat remind you of the ocean, the way the wind is blowin' through the grain?"
Frank replies, "Lard tunderin Jasus Garge yer right!"
They unhook the dory and haul it out to the middle of the field, sit back, relax and start rowing.
Well it just so happens that, at the same time another Newfie is on his way back from Alberta and spots the plates on their truck and then notices the two of them out on the field rowing away.
Well the new arrival gets so angry he stops his truck, hops out and begins to scream at them.
"No wonder the whole country tinks we're stupid, look at you two fools out there rowin'. Jasus, if I could swim I'd come out there and kick yer arses !!!!!
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-08-2006 06:31 AM
Rated PG Ed in Aurora
The Cowboy, Indian and Arab
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Calgary Alberta, while awaiting their respective flights.
One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer.
Another is a Cowboy on his way to Lethbridge for a livestock show.
The third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at the University of Calgary from the Middle East.
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.
The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward,
"Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The Alberta cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl.
"That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-19-2006 08:54 PM
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont. Ca
Three third graders, a Cape Breton kid , a PEI kid and a Newfoundlander are in the playground at recess.
One of them suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says."Okay."
They all agree.
The Cape Breton kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.
"That's nothing," says the PEI kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer.
Not to be outdone, the Newfoundlander whips his out. It is by far the biggest.
That night, eating dinner at home, the Newfoundlanders mother asks him what he did at school today.
"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ... and during recess, my friends and I played 'Let's see who has the largest weenie."
What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.
Well, me, Angus and John each pulled out our weenies and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm a Newfoundlander.
Is that true, Mom?"
Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-three."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-31-2006 08:40 PM
Rated G
An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie (ie. a Newfoundlander.)
He went to the neurosurgeon and asked, Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?".
"Sure it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have
to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain,and you'll be a Newfie."
The Ontarian was very pleased,and immediately underwent the operation.
However, the neurosurgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain.
He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic.
As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him "I'm terribly sorry,but there was a ghastly accident.
Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidently cut out 2/3 of your brain."
The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-06-2006 03:58 PM
Rated G Beverly
An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident.
They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all
three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were
about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes.
Astonished,the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened. "Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven.
St.Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth.So of course pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."
"Thats's amazing!" said the one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was
haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-22-2006 10:49 AM
Rated G Ed in Aurora. Ont.
Three Canadian blondes died and found themselves standing before St.Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.
The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo!" and he banished her to Hell.
The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo!" and he banished her to Hell.
The third said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ."
St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."
Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year they roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."
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