my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Canadians eh! (Page 4)

This topic comprises 10 pages: 1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10

Author Topic: Canadians eh! Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-10-2003 06:21 PM                        Rated G Canadian High About ten years ago, when I was a student pilot in Gimli, Manitoba I went on a school arranged tour of the Winnipeg tower facility. I got talking with one of the controllers who related this story to me: Apparently the controllers were getting really annoyed with the Air Canada pilots who regularly flew into Winnipeg. It would seem that the source of the irritation was the tone of voice that these guys were using. They would come on the frequency with the deepest voices you could imagine, saying things like 'This is Air Canada 345 heavy by the Whiskey for runway 18'. One of the controllers finally had had enough of this sort of affectation and decided to get even one day. He went out and bought a bunch of helium filled balloons… Sure enough, the first Air Canada flight to arrive in the airspace checked in with the big deep pilot voice. The controller took a huge honk of the helium and cleared the flight to land in a voice akin to donald duck wearing very tight shorts! No one seemed sure how the pilots recacted, but it gave the controllers one heck of a high!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-27-2003 10:42 PM                        Rated G Canadian Wisdom Chant... I would like to share an old Native Canadian chant. Each year during the first week of April, the Native Canadians would wake up at sunrise and repeat their chant over and over. They did this powerful chant primarily for three very important reasons: 1. To ensure that their crops are bountiful and will keep them and their families fed all year; 2. To ward off harm/evil; 3. And to gain great wisdom. It goes like this: Oooooh waaaaah (pause) Taaaaa foooooo (pause) Lie aaaammmm (pause) Now repeat it without the pause. As you repeat it more often and more quickly, its message becomes clear and you will become wise! Try it. It works very well and very quickly!!!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-28-2003 02:33 PM                        Rated G A Canadian lumber camp advertises for a lumberjack. A skinny little guy shows up at the camp the next day carrying an axe. The head lumberjack takes one look at the puny little guy and tells him to get lost. "Give me a chance to show you what I can do," says the skinny guy. "Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" says the head lumberjack. "Take your axe and cut it down." The guy heads for the tree, and in five minutes he's knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," says the guy. The lumberjack can't believe his eyes and says, "Where did you learn to chop down trees like that?" "In the Sahara Forest," says the puny man. "You mean the Sahara Desert," says the lumberjack. "Sure......!! That's what they call it now!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-27-2003 12:29 PM                        Rated PG Newly issued alcohol warnings The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage. 1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away. 2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot. 3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you 4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish. 5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him. 6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead. 7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-07-2003 09:40 AM                        Rated G Hank In Simi Valley It was announced today that Canada is now prepared to help the United States in its war against terrorism..They have promised to commit 2 of their largest battleships,6,000 armed troops and 60 fighter jets. However......after the exchange rate, that comes down to a canoe, 2 Mounties and a flying squirrel.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-16-2003 11:13 AM                        Rated R Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist on his first time in Lincoln, Nebraska, locates the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain the client. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, No!" and walks quickly away! The madam is surprised that this ordinary-looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with it. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola looks a bit tired, but she has never said no and it doesn't seem likely that anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Bob. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!",smacks him as hard as she can and literally runs away! Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she did it for many years before she got into management. She's sure she has said yes at one time or another to everything a man could possibly ask for. The challenge is irresistible. She just has to find out what this man has wanted that has made her girls so angry. And she sees a chance she can't pass up to show off to her employees how good she was at what they do. So she goes over to Bob and says that she's the best in the house and she is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic a bit, giggle a bit, drink a little, and she sits in his lap. And Bob leans forward and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Canadian dollars?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-21-2003 12:33 PM                        Rated XXX Michele Bob goes on a blind date with this Canadian chick named Cindy. Later,after dinner and a movie,Cindy invites Bob up to her apartment to fool around. She reclines on the couch, spreads her legs and says, "Stick a finger in me." Bob obliges. Then Cindy says, "Stick in the other three." Once again, Bob obliges. Then Cindy says, "Just go ahead and shove your whole hand in there." So Bob eases his hand into Cindy, who then says, "Now shove in your other hand." Bob does so, and Cindy says, "Now CLAP!" Bob tries, but nothing doing. "I can't!" he says. Cindy looks at him with a smile and says, "Pretty tight, eh?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-30-2003 01:01 PM                        Rated G Two cases of SARS in Newfoundland have resulted in death. One died from a SAR neck and the other from a SAR throat.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-01-2003 04:23 PM                        Rated G Janine in Peterboro From an Ottawa newspaper She was married in Toronto to Thomas Jackson,and to this onion was born three children.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-15-2003 07:06 AM                        Rated G Supermarket ad in Toronto newspaper Ham Sale Boneless Shankless Skinless Meatless  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-17-2003 06:46 AM                        Rated G Pierre, Marie, and their six children lived in a log cabin on the edge of a lake in northern Quebec. One day, Pierre decided he had had enough and set out across the lake in his canoe. Seeing this, Marie hollered out to him, "Pierre, what are you doing?" Pierre replied "Woman, I'm leaving you!" Marie hollered "But Pierre, what about our marriage?" Pierre replied "To hell with the marriage. Woman, I'm leaving you!" He kept paddling across the lake. Marie hollered "But Pierre, what about our beautiful cabin?" Pierre replied "To hell with the cabin. Woman, I'm leaving you!" He kept paddling across the lake. Marie hollered "But Pierre, what about our beautiful children?" Pierre replied "To hell with the children. Woman, I'm leaving you!" He kept paddling across the lake. Then Marie hikes up her skirt, points to her crotch and hollers, "But Pierre, what about this?" As Pierre slowly turns the canoe around he mumbles, "Someday I'm going to leave that damn woman."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-03-2003 08:40 AM                        Rated PG Ben in Newmarket There was this Newfie,while taking his pet for a nightly walk, decided to drop into the local pub for a beer. A little while later this big red haird fellow walks in with a Rottweiller and sat at the bar close to the Newfie. After his first beer he noticed the Newfie's pet and said what the hell kind of pet is that?,he's real ugly. The newfie said nothing,not wanting to have any trouble with this guy. The red head swallowed another beer, then turned to the Newfie and said,I bet my dog can rip that ugly thing of yours to pieces in ten seconds!,and I'll bet $100.00 on it. The Newfie said I don't want bet.Red said you're too chicken to take the bet.Newfie said no I just don't want to take your money.Then Red said,I'll bet $200.00 and you better take it or I'll set my dog on yours anyway.The newfie said,ok put your money ob the bar first.They throw their money on the bar. And red say's get him big boy, and his dog jumps on the Newfie's pet.Then suddenly!the Newfie's pet opens it's mout and with one chomp!the Rottweiller is cut in half. Red say's what the hell kind of dog is that?.Well! Said the Newffie, before I cut off his tail and painted him black,he was an alligator.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-06-2003 08:10 AM                        Rated G Cecil in Richmond Hill Warning: Beer Contains Female Hormones Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-14-2003 02:10 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee Flying home after visiting her daughter in England,she arranged tohave her husband meet her plane at the Vancouver,B.C. airport. This meant a stop at the border crossing between the United Statesand Canada,where her husband was asked:"What is your reason for entering the country?" and "How long are you planning to stay?" He replied that he was picking his wife up at the airport after her trip to England. Without missing a beat,the guard asked three more questions in the same business like tone:"Is the house clean?","Are there fresh flowers on the table?" and "Are the butter tarts fresh?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-14-2003 02:15 PM                        Rated G Captain Silver Now that Canadian Gay Marriages have been legalized, here are the new rules: 1) On the day of a gay wedding,it's bad luck for the two grooms to see each other at the gym. 2) Superstition suggests that,for good luck,the couple should have:Something bold, omething flirty,something trashy,something dirty. 3) It's customary,at gay and lesbian nuptials,for the parents to have an open bar during the entire ceremony. 4) Gay wedding tradition dictates that both grooms refrain from eating any of the wedding cake because it's all carbs and sugar. 5) It's considered bad luck for either of the grooms to have dated the priest. 6) During the first dance,it's considered unlucky to use glow sticks,flags,whistles or hand held lasers. 7) For good luck at the union of a drag queen,the bouquet is always thrown in the face of a hated rival. 8)The reception hall must have a disco ball and at least one go- go dancer. 9) he wedding singer is not allowed to play/sing Let's Hear It For the Boy, It's Raining Men, or I Will Survive. 10)The father of the Bottom has to pay for everything! [ 07-14-2003, 05:48 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 10 pages: 1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.