AGING

Oh, give me back my days of youth
When life was full of fun
And all my limbs were limber
Did I say all? Well, all but one.

And now I'm growing old and gray
And lifes work is nearly done
And all my limbs are growing stiff
Did I say all? Well, all but one.

Nursery Rhymes That Didn't Catch On

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two chunks of bread.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept up beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

Simple Simon met a Pieman,
going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you dickhead.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
said "Fuck him, He's only an egg.

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
to have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot her pill
and now they have a son.

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over
Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.

Dr. Seuss on the Golden Years:

I cannot see

I cannot pee

I cannot chew

I cannot screw

My memory shrinks

My hearing stinks

No sense of smell

I look like hell

My body's drooping

Have trouble pooping

The Golden Years have come at last

The Man from Sparta

There was a young fellow from Sparta.
A really magnificent farter.
On the strength of one bean
He'd fart "God Save the Queen,"
And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.

He could vary, with proper persuasion,
His fart to suit any occasion.
He could fart like a flute,
Like a lark, like a lute,
This highly fartistic Caucasian.

This sparkling young farter from Sparta,
His fart for no money would barter.
He could roar from his rear
Any scene from Shakespeare,
Or Gilbert and Sullivan's Mikado.

Nobody could play the classics finer,
As he showed me one day in the diner.
I had a bagel with lox
while he played from his buttocks:
Chopin's Etude #12 in C-minor.

He'd fart a gavotte for a starter,
And fizzle a fine serenata.
He could play on his anus
The Coriolanus:
Oof, boom,er-tum,tootle, yum tah-dah!

He was great in the Christmas Cantata,
He could double-stop fart the Toccata,
He'd boom from his ass
Bach's B-Minor Mass,
And in counterpoint, La Traviata.

Spurred on by a very high wager
With an envious German named Bager,
He'd proceeded to fart
The complete oboe part
Of a Haydn Octet in B-major.

His reportoire ranged from classics to jazz,
He achieved new effects with bubbles of gas.
With a good dose of salts
He could whistle a waltz
Or swing it in razzamatazz.

His basso profundo with timbre so rare
He rendered quite often, with power to spare.
But his great work of art,
His fortissimo fart,
He saved for the Marche Militaire.

One day he was dared to perform
The William Tell Overture Storm,
But naught could dishearten
Our spirited Spartan,
For his fart was in wonderful form.

It went off in capital style,
And he farted it through with a smile,
Then, feeling quite jolly,
He tried the finale,
Blowing double-stopped farts all the while.

The selection was tough, I admit,
But it did not dismay him one bit,
Then, with his ass thrown aloft
He suddenly coughed...
And collapsed in a shower of shit.

His bunghole was blown back to Sparta,
Where they buried the rest of our farter,
With a gravestone of turds
Inscribed with the words:
"To the Fine Art of Farting, A Martyr."

NY SPECIAL FRIEND

I have a list of folks I know...
all written in a book,
And every now and then..
I go and take a look.

That is when I realize
these names... they are a part,
not of the book they're written in...
but taken from the heart.

For each Name stands for someone...
who has crossed my path sometime,
and in that meeting they have become...
the reason and the rhyme.

Although it sounds fantastic...
for me to make this claim,
I really am composed...
of each remembered name.

Although you're not aware...
of any special link,
just knowing you, has shaped my life...
more than you could think.

So please don't think my greeting...
as just a mere routine,
your name was not ever
forgotten in between.

For when I send a greeting...
that is addressed to you,
it is because you're on the list...
of folks I'm indebted to.

So whether I have known you...
for many days or few,
in some ways you have a part...
in shaping things I do.

I am but a total...
of many folks I've met,
you are a friend I would prefer...
never to forget.

Thank you for being my friend!

Rated G

GOD'S LITTLE BOXES

I have in my hands two boxes
which God gave me to hold

He said, "Put all your sorrows in the black,
And all your joys in the gold."

I heeded His words, and in the two boxes
Both my joys and sorrows I stored

But though the gold became heavier each day
The black was as light as before

With curiosity, I opened the black
I wanted to find out why

And I saw, in the base of the box, a hole
Which my sorrows had fallen out by.

I showed the hole to God, and mused aloud,
"I wonder where my sorrows could be."

He smiled a gentle smile at me.
"My child, they're all here with me."

I asked, "God, why give me the boxes,
Why the gold, and the black with the hole?"

"My child, the gold is for you to count your blessings,
The black is for you to let go."

The Clothesline Said So Much

A clothesline was a news forecast
To neighbors passing by.
There were no secrets you could keep
When clothes were hung to dry.

It also was a friendly link
For neighbors always knew
If company had stopped on by
To spend a night or two.

For then you'd see the fancy sheets
And towels on the line;
You'd see the company table clothes
With intricate design.

The line announced a baby's birth
To folks who lived inside
As brand new infant clothes were hung
So carefully with pride.

The ages of the children could
So readily be known
By watching how the sizes changed
You'd know how much they'd grown.

It also told when illness struck,
As extra sheets were hung;
Then nightclothes, and a bathrobe, too,
Haphazardly were strung.

It said, "Gone on vacation now"
When lines hung limp and bare.
It told, "We're back!" when full lines sagged
With not an inch to spare.

New folks in town were scorned upon
If wash was dingy gray,
As neighbors raised their brows,
And looked disgustedly away.

But clotheslines now are of the past
For dryers make work less.
Now what goes on inside a home
Is anybody's guess.

I really miss that way of life.
It was a friendly sign
When neighbors knew each other best
By what hung on the line!

The Lord's Baseball Game

Bob and the Lord stood by to observe a baseball game. The Lord's team was playing Satan's team. The Lord's team was at bat, the score was tied zero to zero, and it was the bottom of the 9th inning with two outs.

They continued to watch as a batter stepped up to the plate whose name was Love. Love swung at the first pitch and hit a single, because Love never fails.

The next batter was named Faith, who also got a single because Faith works with Love.

The next batter up was named Godly wisdom. Satan wound up and threw the first pitch. Godly Wisdom looked it over and let it pass: Ball one. Three more pitches and Godly Wisdom walked, because Godly wisdom never swings at what Satan throws. The bases were loaded.

The Lord then turned to Bob and told him He was now going to bring in His star player. Up to the plate stepped Grace.

Bob said, "He sure doesn't look like much!"

Satan's whole team relaxed when they saw Grace. Thinking he had won the game, Satan wound up and fired his first pitch. To the shock of everyone, Grace hit the ball harder than anyone had ever seen. But Satan was not worried; his center fielder let very few get by. He went up for the ball, but it went right through his glove, hit him on the head and sent him crashing on the ground; then it continued over the fence for a home run!

The Lord's team won.

The Lord then asked Bob if he knew why Love, Faith, and Godly Wisdom could get on base but could not win the game. Bob answered that he did not know why.

The Lord explained, "If your love, faith and wisdom had won the game you would think you had done it by yourself. Love, faith and wisdom will get you on base, but only My Grace can get you home.

Paradox Of Our Time?

The paradox of our time in history is that
we have taller buildings but shorter tempers,
wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints.
We spend more, but have less.
We buy more, but enjoy less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families,
more conveniences, but less time.
We have more degrees but less sense,
more knowledge, but less judgment,
more experts, yet more problems,
more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much,
smoke too much,
spend too recklessly,
laugh too little,
drive too fast,
get too angry,
stay up too late,
get up too tired,
read too little,
watch TV too much,
and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions,
but reduced our values.
We talk too much, love too seldom,
and hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living,
but not a life.
We've added years to life not life to years.

We've been all the way to the moon and back,
but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor.
We conquered outer space but not inner space.
We've done larger things, but not better things.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.
We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice.
We write more, but learn less.
We plan more, but accomplish less.
We've learned to rush, but not to wait.

We build more computers to hold more information,
to produce more copies than ever,
but we communicate less and less.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion,
big men and small character,
steep profits and shallow relationships.
These are the days of two incomes but more divorce,
fancier houses, but broken homes.
These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers,
throw-away morality, one night stands, overweight bodies,
and pills that do everything from cheer to quiet, to kill.

It is a time when there is much in the showroom
window and nothing in the stockroom.
A time when technology can bring this letter to you,
and a time when you can choose
either to share this insight,
or to just hit delete.

Remember, spend some time with your loved ones,
because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone
who looks up to you in awe,
because that little person soon will grow up
and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug
to the one next to you,
because that is the only treasure
you can give with your heart
and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, "I love you?"
to your partner and your loved ones,
but most of all mean it.
A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it
comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands
and cherish the moment for
someday that person will not be there again.
Give time to love, give time to speak
and give time to share
the precious thoughts in your mind.

When an old lady died in the geriatric ward of a small hospital near Dundee, Scotland, it was felt that she had nothing left of any value. Later, when the nurses were going through her meager possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital. One nurse took her copy to Ireland. The old lady's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the North Ireland Association for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on her simple, but eloquent, poem......And this little old Scottish lady, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this
"anonymous" poem winging across the Internet.
Goes to show that we all leave "SOME footprints in time".

An Old Lady's Poem

What do you see, nurses, what do you see?
What are you thinking when you're looking at me?

A crabby old woman, not very wise,
Uncertain of habit, with faraway eyes?
Who dribbles her food and makes no reply
When you say in a loud voice, "I do wish you'd try!"

Who seems not to notice the things that you do,
And forever is losing a stocking or shoe.....
Who, resisting or not, lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding, the long day to fill....

Is that what you're thinking? Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse; you're not looking at me.
I'll tell you who I am as I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, as I eat at your will.

I'm a small child of ten with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters, who love one another.
A young girl of sixteen, with wings on her feet,
Dreaming that soon now a lover she'll meet.

A bride soon at twenty-my heart gives a leap,
Remembering the vows that I promised to keep.
At twenty-five now, I have young of my own,
Who need me to guide and a secure happy home.

A woman of thirty, my young now grown fast,
Bound to each other with ties that should last.
At forty, my young sons have grown and are gone,
But my man's beside me to see I don't mourn.

At fifty once more, babies play round my knee,
Again we know children, my loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me, my husband is dead;
I look at the future, I shudder with dread.

For my young are all rearing young of their own,
And I think of the years and the love that I've known.
I'm now an old woman ... and nature is cruel;
'Tis jest to make old age look like a fool.

The body, it crumbles, grace and vigor depart,
There is now a stone where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass a young girl still dwells,
And now and again my battered heart swells.

I remember the joys, I remember the pain,
And I'm loving and living life over again.
I think of the years ....all too few, gone too fast,
And accept the stark fact that nothing can last.

So open your eyes, nurses, open and see, ...NOT A CRABBY OLD LADY, BUT ME!!!

Remember this poem when you next meet an old person who you might
brush aside without looking at the young soul within......We will
one day be there, too.

ODE TO THE COMMODE

As I was shopping in Wal-Mart today,
Enjoying low prices galore,
My young offspring told me her bladder was full;
I had ten seconds, not one bit more!

I whisked her up quickly and ran at full speed,
Desperately begging her, "Wait!"
I zigged through the sporting goods, zagged through the toys;
Crying, "She must urinate!"

Soon we arrived at the Ladies' Room door
In just slightly less than a wink;.
But Oh! Our poor noses! For as we went in,
We smelled the most hideous stink!

Quickly we realized the source of the stench;
For all over counter and floor
Were puddles and garbage and T.P. and mud;
Alas! I had seen it before!

I warily opened the door of the stall
And what awful sight met my eyes?
Smeared on the toilet seat there was what's known
(In my house) as Diaper Surprise.

But what could I do? In my arms was my daughter;
I would not; could not put her there!
Despairing, I held her out over the toilet
As she did her deed in mid-air!

I humbly beseeched of an aproned employee,
"This bathroom's not fit to be used!"
She asked me to tell the cashier at McDonald's
Who stared at me, fully confused.

Now please understand I've been living for years
And all of that time, had a bladder;
But Wal-Mart's facilities rank 'neath an outhouse
On any John Cleanliness ladder.

You'd do well to try out the restroom at Target;
They clean every spot, vast or tiny!
They've pleasant aromas in spite of their purpose;
And all of the porcelain's shiny!

In closing, I ask you, please keep the john clean;
For next time it's foul, please be sure
My money, my daughter, and her little bladder
Will frequent a tidier store.

Hold on tightly to what is truly important in life.

Hold on to faith;
it is the source of believing that all things are possible.
It is fiber and strength of a confident soul.

Hold on to hope;
it banishes doubt and enables attitudes
to be positive and cheerful.

Hold on to trust;
it is at the core of fruitful relationships
that are secure and content.

Hold on to love;
it is life's greatest gift of all,
for it shares, cares, and gives meaning to life.

Hold on to family and friends;
they are the most important people in your life,
and they make the world a better place.

They are your roots
and the beginnings that you grew from;
they are the vine that has grown through time
to nourish you, help you on your way,
and always remain close by.

Hold on to all that you are
and all that you have learned,
for these things are what make you unique.

Don't ignore what you feel
and what you believe is right and important;
your heart has a way of speaking
louder than your mind.

Hold on to your dreams;
achieve them diligently and honestly.
Never take the easy way or surrender to deceit.
Remember others on your way
and take time to care for their needs.

Enjoy the beauty around you.
Have the courage to see things differently and clearly.
Make the world a better place one day at a time,
and don't let go of the important things
that give meaning to your life.

~by Kelly D. Caron~

I AM ONLY ME

I am only me, that is all that I can be
No more, no less, don't second guess

I love, I laugh, I live and cry,
I've wished at times, that I could die

Some days I'm funny, others I'm not,
sometimes I'm in overdrive and can't stop

I am a loyal and honest friend,
You know that I'll be there until the end

I am a father/mother, my children my greatest gift,
The smiles on their faces always give me a lift

I am a romantic, sensual, sexual, and passionate too,
to the love of my life, I'll share this with you

I can be sweet and shy or sassy and bold,
I'm quite a handful, or so I've been told

I am not perfect, I do have my faults,
like when I get scared I put up high walls

Or I'm not as forgiving, as I'd sometimes like to be,
because when I hurt, I hurt deeply

My logic is all my own, at times misunderstood,
because I don't always do things for my own good

I have many facets, like a diamond you see...
I am only me.