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Author
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Topic: Celebrities
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-05-2007 02:36 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
For those of you too young to remember Bob, ask your Grandparents!!!
And thanks for the memories............
I HOPE THIS WILL PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART.
Tribute to a man who DID make a difference:
May 29, 1903 - July 27, 2003
ON TURNING 70
'You still chase women, but only downhill.'
ON TURNING 80
'That's the time of your life when even
your birthday suit needs pressing.'
ON TURNING 90
'You know you're getting old when the
candles cost more than the cake.'
ON TURNING 100
'I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon .
Then it's time for my nap.'
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING
'I ruined my hands in the ring ...
the referee kept stepping on them.'
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR
'Welcome to the Academy Awards or,
as it's called at my home, 'Passover.''
ON GOLF
'Golf is my profession.
Show business is just to pay the green fees.'
ON PRESIDENTS
'I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.'
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER
'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother,
'Congratulations You have an eight-pound ham.''
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL
'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.'
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY
'Four of us slept in the one bed.
When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.'
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS
'That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.'
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES
'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.'
ON GOING TO HEAVEN
'I've done benefits for ALL religions.
I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.'
GOD BLESS AMERICA
Give me a sense of humor. Lord, Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life, and pass it on to other folks. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-06-2007 08:56 AM
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
For those of you old enough to remember Red Skelton, I think you will enjoy this e-mail. For those of you not old enough you will see what you missed!! Either way, his humor was always clean and he was a great entertainer. A re run of great one liner's from the man who was known for his clean humor. I hope you get a chuckle or two reading them once more
RED SKELTON'S RECIPE
FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a
little beverage, good food and companionship
She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere....
but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go
for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric
toaster and electric bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place
to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well
because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late
for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months
I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
Can't you just hear him say all of these? I love it........these were the good old days
when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word.
It was just clean and simple fun.
And he always ended his programs with the words, "God Bless"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-05-2008 08:41 AM
Rated G
George Carlin's Views on Aging
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you'r e so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him ou t. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's cha nged?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70 ! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers . This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them.'
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them , at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER :
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-12-2008 04:11 PM
Rated G Lorraine
As a teenager, Robert De Niro decided to apply for admission to the illustrious Dramatic Workshop at the New School (whose alumni include Marlon Brando, Tennessee Williams, and Shelley Winters).
"The director said to me, 'Vy do you vant to be an acteh?'"
De Niro later recalled. His response? "I didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything.
And he said, 'To express yourself!'
And I said, 'Yeah, yeah, that's it...'"
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