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Author
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Topic: Are you "out" at work? -> OT Weight Loss
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Evans A Criswell
Phenomenal Film Handler
Posts: 1579
From: Huntsville, AL, USA
Registered: Mar 2000
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posted 06-26-2003 02:42 PM
I get a few comments, mainly from teenagers in malls and other public places, about myself. Occasionally, they make fun of me because of my very long hair. It's amazing how varied a reaction I get from different ones. Sometimes, teens will come up to me saying they they think my long hair is really cool and ask me all kinds of questions about how long it took to grow out, while others will laugh and say things, like the common line "Get a haircut!", or "Look, a girl!", or something similar.
In restaurants, I frequently get "I thought I was in the wrong one" or something like that from guys that walk in and see me from behind in front of the mirror. I'm used to it.
Having long hair is a good way to "filter" the people I come in contact with. Those that ridicule me or act negatively are probably not people I'd want to deal with, since they're likely to have a mean streak coupled with a bold type of personality. The ones that are OK with it are the more open-minded type.
As for the gay issue, lots of people wonder about me, but aren't sure. Most people probably think I'm gay. I had my appendix taken out in August 1981 and ever since, I've had a somewhat "wobbly" walk that many people associate with gayness. I've never had a girlfriend and am usually alone, and almost all my friends are guys.
As for being "out", it's an interesting issue for me. While I wouldn't say I fit into the "straight" category, I definitely don't fit will into the mainstream "gay" category either. I like guys, but have no desire to have sex with anyone, and I've found myself shunned by the gay crowd as a result. Nearly all my friends are straight guys who are either cool with the way I am, or just don't know or don't care. I don't think "coming out" and presenting myself as a gay person would be a good idea, since most people would assume incorrect things about what I meant if I did so. I knew a lot of gay people back during the 1991-1993 time period and during that time, I learned that I very little in common with them. So, I'm pretty much a loner. I have friends I get together with and do things with, but don't have any close, intimate friends.
In discussions about gayness, straightness, or whatever, I rarely see mention of anything in between the extremes. Most people want to classify people into "straight", "bi", or "gay" categories. If you don't fit well into one of those, too bad.
Long-haired guys are seldom ever gay. Back when I had short hair, I got hit on a lot by guys. After my hair got long, that rarely happened.
I've always been a misfit and I guess I always will be. In grades 1-11, I lived across the Alabama line and went to school in Cedartown, GA, (a 17-mile drive). I had no normal social life with anyone I went to school with. It was long-distance to call anyone I saw every day. When I went though college (undergraduate), I was in the 15-19 age range, always younger than everyone in my classes. In graduate school (M.S. degree), I was in the 19-20 age range, while everyone else was at least 24 or 25. Now, nearly all of the people my age are married, so most of my friends are in their 20s. I've never had hardly any friends my age in my entire life. All of this may have contributed to the way I am, but who knows?
As for being "out at work", I just let people think what they want. I never hear any rumors about myself getting back to me, but I'm sure people are curious and talk about me when I'm not around them. It's never been a problem, so I don't worry about it.
I've never lost a friend of significance due to telling them about this issue, so I don't mind opening up a little here on film-tech. I've been participating here for a long time, so I feel I'm in good company here.
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Evans A Criswell
Phenomenal Film Handler
Posts: 1579
From: Huntsville, AL, USA
Registered: Mar 2000
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posted 06-26-2003 08:22 PM
Speaking of being thin -- I was the skinniest, lightest person all through school. When I graduated college, I weighed 115 pounds. In the 7th grade, I was the only guy in P.E. that could not bench-press 40 pounds. I was called "toothpick" by many, and my parents were always trying to make me eat more. Because I typically made all A's, many other students picked on me all of the time for making better grades than they did and being physically slim and lightweight.
College was great because people were so much nicer. Nobody ever picked on me for being slim. I could finally wear size 30s in things by the time I finished my undergrad degree at age 19.
As for being a loner, I often feel I'm the loneliest person alive. Why else do you think I'd go to the movie theatres around here over 300 times in the past 6 years by myself? I walk in the local malls a lot for exercise and because doing so sometimes makes me feel less alone. Often, I feel a lack of ambition because I think that no matter what I accomplish, I'm still going to be alone every evening when I leave work, except for the 3 or 4 days a month when I have someone to hang out with.
It used to be fairly easy to make friends with the students at the university where I work, but now since I'm 34, that's getting much harder since the average age of the students is staying the same over time while I'm getting a year older each year. I'm out of the college age to the point that it's like there's a glass wall between the students and I. The older graduate students are usually married or close to it. A big source of pain in my life is watching friends who used to hang out with me a lot get steady girlfriends and get married and drop off the face of the earth.
As for finding a place to go to be around people, it's difficult. I don't have the desire to drink alcohol, although I'll have a beer or two if I'm with friends. Going to a straight club is pretty pointless since I'm not attracted to girls and going to a gay club is pretty pointless since I'm attracted to guys but don't have the desire to have sex with one. I've met several gay guys that stopped being friendly to me the instant they found out I had no desire to have sex. So, I don't hit on girls and don't hit on guys. I don't have any target to shoot for. I just try to keep enough acquaintances to have some people to hang around every now and then even though I have little in common with them.
It seems the ideal thing for me would be a guy who is like I am, who likes guys but doesn't want sex. Finding a person that would like to be affectionate and close without sex is like trying to find an even prime number greater than two. They just don't exist, at least not here. I had one really close friend that I met April 30, 1991. Around 1997 or 1998, we started doing a lot of things together (going out to eat, watching movies, etc) and were very close until December 2001 when he met a guy that moved in with him. The guy that moved in with him in summer 2001 was very jealous and insecure, and since he got into a sexual relationship with the guy, he forced my friend to cut me off. He just stopped calling -- I got no forewarning whatsoever. I still feel the pain from that sometimes and it gets to me.
Back to the picking on and cruelty thing -- the worst person from grades 6-11 about picking on me was a very intelligent guy who had been put up a grade who would occasionally outscore me on some of the important standardized tests. He picked on me all the time, and in the 10th grade, I had every class with him. He was very cruel at times. I found out that years ago, hefired a shotgun into someone's house and ended up having to serve time. As of two years ago, he hadn't been to college and had no degree.
I'm rambling here, but it seems to help sometimes to just write about things.
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Evans A Criswell
Phenomenal Film Handler
Posts: 1579
From: Huntsville, AL, USA
Registered: Mar 2000
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posted 06-26-2003 11:13 PM
quote:
He was called skinny, and he learned to fight. Thats how he handled it.
Surprisingly, I've never been in a fight in my life. I'm just not programmed that way. ![[Smile]](smile.gif) When I was young (7th and 8th grade especially), my father tried to teach me to not take anything off anyone and fight back and never run away from anyone. He is a World War II veteran and I guess that was the common attitude back then for guys. I'm just not that way. I don't run from people but I just try to avoid having the conflicts in the first place. Since high school, I've rarely had a problem with anyone. Conflicts since then have been mental ones anyway, and have been few and far between.
My father and I are totally opposite in the way we deal with problems. When he was younger, he always charged right into what was causing it, in full attack mode. I always just tried to figure a way to either resolve it or avoid it with as little trouble as possible.
As far as being picked on nowadays (usually by teenagers or people in their early 20s) because someone is freaked out by my long hair or thinks I'm gay (which is debatable), the ones that are worst about it are of the low class, redneck variety. The ones that are bold enough to say something like that are the ones that are bold with a mean streak (the ones that have a tendency to fight). I figure such people will do themselves in eventually without needing any help from me, so I just let them be and avoid them. The solution is not to try to attack or somehow "get even" with anyone that tries to bother you. "He who seeks revenge digs two graves." People that behave that way tend to not be around long.
Back around 1991, I started caring a lot less about what people think about me than I did before. 1991 is when I started growing my hair out (which got long in 1993 and has been ever since). 1990 is when I stared buying different clothes, often in bright, wild colors. I decided that dressing a little differently and standing out a bit was more "me" than the "just blend in" attitude. I've toned down somewhat since the 1990-1994 time period, but I still get attention sometimes with things I wear.
A couple of weeks ago, a guy I talked to on occasions, when this topic of sexuality came up, told me that I always seemed "iffy" (I guess it's the best word he could think of). Another friend, whom I've known since 1995, told me it was obvious that I wasn't straight. Other friends that I've told about this aspect of myself told me it was not obvious at all. It is interesting how some people pick up on it and some don't (or claim they don't).
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John Lasher
Master Film Handler
Posts: 493
From: Newark, DE
Registered: Aug 2001
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posted 06-28-2003 11:46 PM
I hadn't read this topic, but I'd like to share something.
I am heterosexual, and a "WAMmer" WAM stands for Wet and Messy. Which, basically means I'm turned on sexually by the image of a woman getting wet and/or messy preferably (for me, anyway) while fully clothed (Ann-Margaret in "Tommy", Natalie Wood in "The Great Race", Kate Winslet(sp?) in "Titanic")
This does not mean that any image of a woman featuring a messy substance arouses me. There's a 3 Stooges short titled "In The Sweet Pie and Pie" which is said to contain "the mother of all Stooges pie fights" which does nothing for me. There's another 3 Stooges short called "Spooks" that I only saw once on AMC years ago, there was only one female, she took one pie to the face. Just the memory of it... well you get the idea.
I have gradually been coming out of the closet with my friends. My family is slowly and reluctantly accepting this as part of me. ("Dammit! I knew we shouldn't have let him watch 'Double Dare' and 'You Can't Do That on TV' when he was a kid!")
I don't talk about it at work because, quite frankly, I don't feel a need to. Now if, on a slow day, one of my co-workers were to, out of the blue (for the sake of not just standing around staring at the clock) ask me about it I'd probably say something along the lines of "It's none of your business, but since you asked..."
My fetish is definitely influencing my filmmaking. (If you're so inclined, you can probably find out plenty about the late-great Rob Blaine, at the link below.)
More info on the subject is available at www.umd.net .
WARNING! THIS SITE DOES CONTAIN ADULT MATERIAL!
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Evans A Criswell
Phenomenal Film Handler
Posts: 1579
From: Huntsville, AL, USA
Registered: Mar 2000
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posted 06-29-2003 11:15 PM
I believe that everyone has some sort of interesting property that makes them different in some way. Like someone said before, it's refreshing to know people that are different in ways. I enjoy being friends with people that have some unusual qualities. Veriety is the spice of life. The best friends to have are those that are accepting of you and remain your friends even if they know your quirks and secrets.
As for the WAM issue, there is something about it that excites or stimulates a lot of people, even though few will admit to it. I think most people find some things stimulating that should logically not be sexually exciting or stimulating. Seeing someone get wet or messed up with their clothes on? I've always found that interesting and stimulating for some reason, although I have no idea why -- even as a kid, years before I knew anything about sex. Same for pie fights and stuff. It may be some kind of combination of comedy and embarrassment emotions blending into and affecting other aspects of out emotions. Let's say you see a person you find attractive (whether it be guy or girl, whatever works for you) and like the clothes they have on (whatever you like) and you see them get thrown into a swimming pool and they come out with the soaking wet clothes on. There's something exciting and stimulating about that and it's hard to explain. It may even make you want to jump into the swimming pool yourself fully dressed. It's quite interesting.
I notice that in many fashion ads, wet clothes are often used. I remember Abercrombie and Fitch ads with guys coming out of a lake with wet cargo pants on, and many others through the years. I admit that I like it, and the people that make these ads know that it appeals to a lot of people, or they wouldn't use the concept. I've never read anything about any research done to explore why this type of thing works, but it would be interesting to know more about it.
Back to the gay topic: Last night, a tire went flat on my car just east of Cedartown, GA on US278. I was very close to a business, which I recognized as the skating rink I used to go to long ago, so I pulled into the parking lot so I'd have enough light to change the tire. Two guys came up and we started talking. They helped some, and I told them that I went to that skating rink often from 1982 to 1986 and my father taught school there in Cedartown from 1972 until 1990, and that I went to school there for grades 1-11. I asked if Butch Cleland still ran the rink and they said he still owned it. The point is, I talked to these two guys about fixing the tire and about the skating rink, and about my previous involvements with Cedartown, which seemed to go well in starting a conversation. After a few minutes, the two guys went back inside the place, and on the way in, I heard one of the guys tell the other one, "That guy was gay!". This tells me there is something about me that sends that signal, since I would have never imagined that conversation I had with them would have done that in any way. I was messing with jacking the car up and loosening the lug nuts the whole time while talking to them! What the heck did I do to send a "gay" image? I'm baffled. If this is the case, I obviously have mannerisms that send a gay image that are a permanent part of me that will not change, if I don't even realize what they are when I'm doing them.
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Tim Reed
Better Projection Pays
Posts: 5246
From: Northampton, PA
Registered: Sep 1999
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posted 06-30-2003 02:56 AM
To hell with them, Evans. Just be yourself, you're a unique individual.
I have the "problem" of a southern accent. When I was in broadcasting years ago, I learned to get rid of it. Since I've been out of that field, I've let it gradually slip back in. Since it takes a concious effort to control, I don't worry about it too much unless I have to do a voiceover for one of my trailers. The point of all this is, people have judged me based on my accent, particularly in the north and east. They assume I'm a dumb hillbilly.
Years ago, after realizing that most people everywhere have some kind of accent -- many even more ridiculous than mine -- I adopted the attitude that, if people couldn't judge me based on my merits, then they weren't worth the effort. I still used the same words in my speech and prose that I always used, only now (i.e., when I was servicing theatres) I would've went into any booth in the country and greeted everyone with a friendly "howdy", and let the chips fall where they may! They'll get over it. And if they don't... that's their problem.
I repeat, the moral of the story is: just be yourself. You will be a more complete individual if you are true to yourself, instead of trying to fit someone else's mold or expectations. Your friends will rise above the superficial.
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