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Author Topic: Celebrities Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-20-2003 07:40 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee Being in show business has its drawbacks.The other day I was at one of my favorite eateries and I got interrupted midbite by someone asking me, "Are you...?" I said, "Yes, I'm Dennis Miller. Can we do this later?" He said, "Do what later? I just wanted to know if you were finished with the ketchup." [ 01-06-2008, 06:02 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-11-2003 08:34 AM                        Rated PG Janine Actor William Shatner (jumping up and down by his broken-down car trying to flag a passing motorist):Hi,it's me Captain Kirk! Motorist (sticking up her middle finger):Yeah? Well, beam this up!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-12-2003 08:58 AM                        Rated G Janine Actress: Mr. Hitchcock, what do you think is my best side? Director Alfred Hitchcock: My dear, you're sitting on it!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-12-2003 01:09 PM                        Rated G Barbra Streisand is reportedly furious that CBS has cancelled its Reagan miniseries starring her husband James Brolin. Not only that,James Brolin is furious because he is married to Barbra Streisand --Conan O'Brien  |  IP: Logged Blake Zaugg Film Handler Posts: 57 From: Lafayette, LA Registered: Sep 2002 posted 11-21-2003 01:02 AM                     In light of recent events, I thought some Michael Jackson jokes might be in order. Rated PG-13 to R: But They were all on the radio yesterday How do you know when it’s midnight at Michael Jacksons house? A: When the big hand touches the small hand What does McDonalds and Michael Jackson have in common? A: 30 year old meat in between 10 year old buns What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag? A: One is white and dangerous to children, the other one is a plastic bag Why did Michael Jackson go to jail? A: He whipped out his Thriller showed it to BillyJean and started to Beat it. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and ACNE? A: At least with ACNE you don't get cream on your face until you're 13. Yes, these were all on the radio.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-03-2003 08:42 AM                        Rated R Michele Michael Jackson sat down with his lawyer. The lawyer says, "I have good news and bad news" Michael asks for the bad news. The lawyer says, "They have a real strong case for molestation and you are going to do serious time." Michael asks for the good news. The lawyer says, "I think you can serve it in a juvenile detention facility."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-09-2003 11:59 AM                        Rated G Question: How do you know when it's bed time at Micheal Jackson's Neverland Ranch? Answer: When the big hand touches the little hand.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-28-2003 12:49 PM                        Rated G Celebrity New Year's Resolutions (we'd love to see) DR. PHIL ~He promises to finally take a class in psychology and stop all this guessing. LIZA MINNELLI ~ She vows to marry someone who, when she buys a new outfit, won't be more interested to see how HE looks in it. RUSH LIMBAUGH ~ He'll stop taking OxyContin for hunger pangs. JESSICA SIMPSON ~ The human blonde joke isn't making a resolution, because she already thinks we won the resolution back in 1776. MICHAEL JACKSON ~ Jacko resolves not to sleep in the same bed with young boys. When it's time to go to sleep, they can just meet him in the jacuzzi. BEN AFFLECK ~ He vows he'll only cheat on J.Lo with mute strippers. BRITNEY SPEARS ~ She'll stop kissing aging pop divas and start kissing the Hilton sisters. SIEGFRIED & ROY ~ From now on, it's stuffed animals only! R. KELLY ~ He'll keep reminding himself that a woman's age is measured by how many years she's been alive..not by how many days. PARIS HILTON ~ The infamous hotel heiress and accidental porn star will try really hard to no longer be a huge embarrassment to her family. She's changing her name to Paris Motel 6. KOBE BRYANT ~ He promises to quit leaving DNA in hotel rooms. ASHTON KUTCHER ~ He will no longer get so depressed on DEMI'S birthday. DEMI MOORE ~ She'll finally admit to Ashton that HE'S been Punk'd...she's really 50! COURTNEY LOVE ~ She'll try to be a better mom if she's high.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2004 08:39 AM                        Rated G While filming a movie in New Mexico,Robert Redford was taking a break from the heat at an ice cream parlor. A woman,a huge fan of Redford's,noticed him,but was determined to keep her cool.She nonchalantly left the shop,pretending to not even notice him. When she got outside,she realized she didn't have the ice cream cone she was sure she had paid for. She went back in and confronted the cashier. Overhearing the conversation,Robert Redford said,"Madam,you'll probably find it where you put it,in your purse."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-08-2004 04:43 PM                        Rated XXX Sean Connery Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Kylie Minogue, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Kyle said, "Sean, if I am not being too forward, I'd love to have sex with an older man. Let's go back to my place." So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for half an hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I'm sleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and my dick in your right hand." Kylie looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay". He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says, "Kylie, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my balls in your left hand, and my Dick in your right hand." Kylie is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing. Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Kylie asks "Sean, tell me, does my holding your balls in my left hand and your dick in my right stimulate you while you're sleeping?" Sean replies, "No, but the last time I slept with a slut from Melbourne, she stole my wallet."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-15-2004 09:39 PM                        Rated G "This is my motto: It's a man's world but women run it." --Robert Downey Jr.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-22-2004 06:17 AM                        Rated G Jack Benny and George Burns became friends when both were young performers working their way up through the vaudeville circuit,and they remained friends until Benny died. One day,they were lunching at a Hollywood restaurant,and Benny was wrestling with the problem of whether or not to butter his bread. "I like butter on my bread," he said."But my diet strictly forbids butter.Maybe I should call Mary and ask her what to do." "Jack," Burns said,"don't be ridiculous.You're a grown man.You should be able to decide,without your wife's help,whether or not to butter your own bread." "You're right," Benny said."I'll just have the butter,that's all." When the waiter arrived with the check,Burns pointed to Benny and said, "He's paying." "What?" Benny said. "Why should I have to pay the whole bill?" "Because if you don't," Burns said,"I'll tell Mary about the butter."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-28-2004 04:21 PM                        Rated R ~Steven Spielberg~ A Chinese man walked into a pub in New York with his pal.He says to his pal,"Hey! That's Jurassic Park Director, Steven Spielberg over there! God,I wish he'll come over to say hi". Spielberg suddenly walked over and gave the man a heavy punch on the nose. "Hey!! What's that for?!" "You bloody Japanese killed my granddad when you bombed Pearl Harbour!" "I'm not Japanese! I'm Chinese!" "Chinese,Vietnamese, Japanese, you're all the same!" Spielberg walks back. The Chinese man calmly walks over and gives Spielberg a really heavy punch on the face. "What... !?!" "YOU BLOODY AMERICAN! YOU SANK THE TITANIC!" "No, no, an iceberg sank the Titanic!" "Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg, you're all the same!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-02-2004 09:53 AM                        Rated G Lorraine The famed ventriloquist Edgar Bergen was once invited to the White House for dinner. Having arrived with no identification,he was stopped at the gate by the Secret Service After searching through his pockets for suitable documents, Bergen finally opened his case and removed his dummy,Charlie McCarthy,who took a good look at Bergen before turning to the Secret Service men: "Yeah, fellows," the dummy declared, "he's Edgar Bergen." Bergen and McCarthy were ushered in without further ado.  |  IP: Logged Ron Keillor Expert Film Handler Posts: 166 From: Vancouver, B.C. Canada Registered: Jul 2003 posted 02-02-2004 02:56 PM                     Why will Hollywood not make a movie about the life of Mick Jagger ? Because they can't find someone without sin to cast the first Stone,  |  IP: Logged

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