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Author Topic: Celebrities Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-07-2004 01:30 PM                        Rated G Alex Timberlake's new spokesperson,former Iraqi Minister of Information Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf,said,"The FCC and the 140 million viewers who claim they saw it are all liars! That breast was never exposed!" --Brandon Hunt  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-31-2004 10:36 AM                        Rated G Danny Thomas, that excellent comedian of Lebanese extraction and the proud possessor of a majestic hooked nose,told his audience once of having been honorary member at a country club reserved for Jews only.It was because of his own Christianity that he could not become a real member,and he remained a guest only. He argued with the membership committee,pointing out that by restricting membership on religious grounds they were every bit as bigoted as were those country clubs who would not admit Jews. To set an example they ought to nonrestrict membership. Finally,and reluctantly,the members of the country club agreed, and such artificial restrictions as race and religion were lifted. Rejoicing,Danny Thomas rushed down to be the first Gentile to join as a member under the new dispensations -- and was refused! Astounded, he said,"But why? And he was told."Because we're going to a lot of trouble to let in Gentiles,and if we're going to let in Gentiles, we want them at least to look like Gentiles!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-09-2004 11:31 AM                        Rated G In the spring of 1958, Cliff Roberts, who with Bobby Jones, founded the Masters golf classic, decide to poke some fun at his own imperious and grim control of the tournament. He had the water level in the pond by the 16th hole lowered by eight inches, a boardwalk built across, and the water level raised back to normal. His idea was to show the highly select membership, gathered for the annual jamboree two weeks before the tournament, that their chairman could indeed walk on water. His disgruntled workmen, however, dismantled the boardwalk the night before the event. Roberts, a smile on his face, dressed in his usual three-piece suit, took a step off the bank and, in front of the astonished tycoons in their green coats, plunged in up to his neck. Such is the secrecy of the membership at Augusta, news of this backfired prank has never been published until now. Source: Sports Illustrated, George Plimpton, April 1, 2002  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-22-2004 05:31 PM                        Rated G Peter Sellers As a builder, I once did some work in the kitchen of the apartment where Peter Sellers and his first wife lived. One day, while Sellers was in his study and his wife and I were discussing the work, the doorbell rang. After answering it, a highly amused Mrs. Sellers came back with a telegram from her husband. It read: BRING ME A CUP OF COFFEE. Submitted by Lorraine  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-22-2004 05:45 PM                        Rated PG George Burns George Burns told a story about cheating on his wife once during their marriage. He kept it to himself, but he felt so bad that he bought Gracie a beautiful diamond bracelet. Finally, after several years had gone by, he confessed to Gracie about his indiscretion. She said, "I know. I was hoping you'd do it again. I wanted a ring to match."  |  IP: Logged Nicholas Suchyta Film Handler Posts: 62 From: Washington, DC Registered: Nov 2003 posted 06-09-2004 12:17 PM                     Cinderella is now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world by from her front porch with her cat named Bob, her only companion. One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years? " The Fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" "I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Bob, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said, "Oh, thank you, Fairy Godmother." The Fairy Godmother replied, "It is the least I can do. What does your heart want for your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again". At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. A long-forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her veins. The Fairy Godmother again spoke, "You have one more wish, what shall you have?" Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man." Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when complete, he stood before her, a man so beautiful the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen. Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered: "Bet you're sorry you neutered me now"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-14-2004 04:15 PM                        Rated G Rita Rudner Quote " How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue....and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-22-2004 10:15 AM                        Rated X Celebrity Quotes on Sex Submitted by Hank in Simi Famous Sexy Quotes . "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." ---Woody Allen "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." ---Rodney Dangerfield "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." ---Lynn Lavner "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." ---Camille Paglia "Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant." ---George Burns "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." Boy isn't this the truth?! ---Sharon Stone "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." ---Tiger Woods "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." ---Jack Nicholson "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." ---Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor) "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." ---Robin Williams "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." ---Billy Crystal "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." ---Robert De Niro "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" ---Dustin Hoffman "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'." ---Jerry Seinfeld "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." ---Robin Williams " It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." ---Joan Rivers " Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy." ---Steve Martin " You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life." ---Elmo Phillips " Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." ---Oscar Wilde (I like this one) " It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." ---George Burns  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-23-2004 08:34 AM                        Rated G Maggie When the subject of heaven and hell was broached in conversation one day,Ernest Hemingway politely declined to offer any opinion. "Excuse me for not answering," he said. "I have friends in both places."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-26-2004 04:00 PM                        Rated G "Congratulations to Gwyneth Paltrowwho gave birth to a baby girl named Apple. Gwyneth says she is looking forward to having another daughter so she can have a "Pear"." --Jay Leno  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-09-2004 12:45 PM                        Rated G Actress Edith Evans: I don't look seventy, do I? Now, be honest. Director Tony Richardson: No, love, you don't. Not anymore.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-18-2004 09:14 AM                        Rated G Betsy "I've made so many movies playing a hooker that they don't pay me in the regular way anymore. They leave it on the dresser." -- Shirley MacLaine  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-13-2004 08:50 AM                        Rated G Dolly Parton "People thought my family was Catholic because we had so many kids. We were just a bunch of horny hillbillies." "We like to call our music 'Hick Hop'. It's P Dolly and the Back Woods Boys." "I love to dress up. I leave no rhinestone unturned." "We worried about 'Stairway to Heaven'. We were afraid it might sound like Stairwell to Hell." --Dolly Parton  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-13-2004 08:52 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Christopher Reeve (1952-2004) Quotes "Even though I don't personally believe in the Lord, I try to behave as though He was watching" "Don't give up. Don't lose hope. Don't sell out." "A hero is an ordinary individual who finds the strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles." "At first, dreams seem impossible, then improbable, and eventually inevitable."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-18-2004 02:28 PM                        Rated G Studs Terkel "When you're on a book tour," Studs Terkel once explained, "you get a little hazy after a while. And so I'm at a motel somewhere and say to the operator, 'Could you please wake me up at six o'clock because I've got to get the eight o'clock plane to Cleveland.' A long pause: 'Sir, you are in Cleveland.'"  |  IP: Logged

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