"Friendship, like credit, is highest where it is not used."

"Be a friend to thyself, and others will be so too."

"Al-Qaeda and Hamas are going to merge. The only person that knew
about this merger beforehand was Martha Stewart."

"Britney Spears is now offering a new wireless service from her
Web site. For $19.95 per month she calls you up and gives you
updates on everything that is going on – well, actually, it's a
recording of her voice, so it's just like one of her concerts."

"For the first time in five years, street crime is up. Just on one
street, though – Wall Street!"

"All who would win joy, must share it; happiness was born a twin."

"The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts."

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries."

The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"

"Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has plenty; not onyour past misfortunes of which all men have some."

"Tomorrow's life is too late. Live today."

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."

"I am doing just fine, considering that I have survivedNazism and two wives."

"Enthusiasm is the most beautiful word on earth."

"Enthusiasm signifies God in us."

"Today the bull on Wall Street tested positive for mad cow disease!"