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Author Topic: Blonds Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-02-2003 08:01 PM                        Rated Blond Jokes re-classified Hank in Simi FIRST DEGREE A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 a. m. The blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said,"How should I know, that's 3000 miles from here!" and hung up.The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear." SECOND DEGREE Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" The first blonde hands her the compact and the second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!" THIRD DEGREE A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!" FOURTH DEGREE A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: It's 'W'." FIFTH DEGREE What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?" SIXTH DEGREE Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware." SEVENTH DEGREE Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-03-2003 02:32 PM                        Rated G Michele A blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree the park. A few days later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree. He asks the blonde what she is doing and she replies,...."I'm hanging myself." "You're supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist," said the onlooker. "I tried that," replied the blonde, "but I couldn't breathe."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-03-2003 03:02 PM                        Rated G Michele Why did God create blondes? Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge. Why did God create brunettes? Neither could the blondes.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-03-2003 03:33 PM                        Rated G Lorraine A BLONDE'S COOKING DIARY: MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said to beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls. TUESDAY: Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said to serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper. WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said "wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any. THURSDAY: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said "prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden. FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said " put all ingredients in bowl and beat it." There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left. SATURDAY: Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I thought it looked great in those little pants and a nice shirt & tie! For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten. SUNDAY: Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment. GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-06-2003 03:09 PM                        Rated G Michele A blonde,a redhead and a brunette are having a holiday at the North Pole.The blonde's weight is 110 pounds, the redhead's is 130 pounds,the brunette's is 150 pounds.One day,the three of them are taking a trip on a sleigh. Suddenly,they see a polar bear behind them.Quickly, they throw out all the luggage behind them, but this doesn't help....the bear comes closer.They realize that one of the three will have to sacrifice herself so that the 2 others will be able to escape."You should do it," the blonde says to the brunette."The bear will need more time to eat you than to eat me or the redhead." "I guess you're right," the brunette says. She jumps out of the sleigh and gets killed by the bear. "Thank God for my brains," the blonde says, but the bear reopens the chase. "Now it's your time, red," the blonde says. "Your weight is more than mine." "I guess you're right," the red says and she also jumps out and gets killed. "Thank God for my brains," the blonde says. But still the bear won't stop chasing the sleigh. The blonde really gets mad and she cries out,"You stupid animal!! Just wait a minute!! I'll take my gun and I'll blow you to pieces!!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-17-2003 06:18 AM                        Rated G Hank in Simi A blonde finds herself in dire trouble.Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits.She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me.I've lost my business and if I don't get some money,I'm going to lose my house as well.Please let me win the lotto." Lotto night comes,and somebody else wins it. She again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business,my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God,why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house,and my car.My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help,and I have always been a good servant to you.PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and the blonde is confronted by the voice of God Himself... "Sweetheart, work with Me on this........... Buy a ticket."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-22-2003 06:57 AM                        Rated G SHE WAS SO BLONDE... .....she thought a quarterback was a refund. .....she thought General Motors was in the army. .....she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. .....at the bottom of an application, where it says "sign here", she wrote Sagittarius. SHE WAS SOO BLONDE... .....she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. .....she sent a faxwith a stamp on it. .....she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday......under "education" on a job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics." SHE WAS SOOO BLONDE... .....she tripped over a cordless phone......she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice because it said "concentrate." .....she told me to meet her at the corner of "walk" and "don't walk." .....she asked for a price check at the Everything For A Dollar Store. .....she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order. SHE WAS SOOOO BLONDE.... .....she studied for a blood test. .....she sold her car for gas money. .....when she went to the airport and saw a sign that read "Airport Left,"she turned around and went home. SHE WAS SOOOOO BLONDE... .....when she heard that 90% of all crimes occurred around home, she moved......she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company. .....she thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless. .....she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening. .....and finally, SHE WAS SOOOOOO BLONDE... .....she had a shirt that said TGIF, which she thought stood for 'Tit's Go In Front.'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-23-2003 02:08 PM                        Rated G Michele The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some exercise."You need to make sure this dog runs around," the doctor said. "Try playing a game of fetch with him." "I can’t play fetch with my dog," the blonde said. "Why not?" the doctor asked. "Because," she replied, "He can’t throw."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-28-2003 11:59 AM                        Rated G More Blond Jokes Question: What does a blonde make best for dinner? Reservations. Question: What do most blondes get on an IQ test? Answer: Drool.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-11-2003 08:51 AM                        Rated G Michele A brunette, redhead and blonde were at a special magic Amusement Park. One of the rides was a long slide at the end of which was a magic pool. On the way down the slide, all the rider had to do was shout out his or her favorite drink, and hey-presto they would land in a pool full of this drink. So off they went. The brunette went first. On her way down, she shouted out, "Vodka" at the top of her voice, and sure enough she landed in a pool of the finest vodka. After filling several bottles and glasses she went home, happy but a little unsteady. Next the redhead -- who loved a 10 year old malt, went flying down shouting, "Whisky," and of course into a pool of whisky she fell. She had to be dragged away practically unconscious. Now it was the blondes turn.She was very excited,and on her way down she was enjoying the ride so much she shouted "Weeeeeee!!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-16-2003 12:52 PM                        Rated G At a pharmacy, a blonde asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms.The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs,but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale,then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first. "That won't work," countered the woman."I'm not the mother,I'm the aunt."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-25-2003 11:43 PM                        Rated XXX Joker 1.Why did the blonde pee on the floor? Because the sign said "wet floor." 2.What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? Pregnant. 3.Why don't blondes make good cattle herders? They can't even keep their calves together. 4.Did you hear about the dumb blonde that died drinking milk? Cow fell on her. 5.What's the difference between a dumb blonde and a mosquito? A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it. 6.How do you get a blonde pregnant? Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest. 7.How do you amuse a blonde for hours? Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper. 8.How does a blonde hold her liquor? By the ears. 9.How does a blonde moonwalk? She pulls down her panties and slides her butt along the floor. 10.Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists? The rest are hunt'n peckers.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-27-2003 07:24 AM                        Rated G Michele Two blondes suddenly got into bird hunting and were eager to try it out for themselves.They had read that a birddog is a great and useful accessory in bird hunting,so they decided to go to the pet shop and buy one.They asked for a well-trained bird dog,and got one. The two blondes immediately went to the woods to try it out.The dog didn't work.No matter how hard they tried, it just didn't follow their commands. They became really frustrated and one of the blondes said to her companion, "Okay, we'll give him another try.We'll throw him in the air one more time and if he doesn't fly, we're taking him back to the store!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-02-2003 12:32 PM                        Rated G Michele Two blondes landed at the airport and caught a cab. "Where would you like to go?" asked the cab driver. "San Jose" one replied. The cab driver corrected her pronunciation telling her that the "J" made an "H" sound. As time went by he asked how long they were on vacation. The one blonde replied, "For all of Hune and Huly."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-02-2003 12:35 PM                        Rated G Lorraine A husband was scolding his beautiful, blonde wife for constantly leaving her keys in the ignition of her car. "I do that because if I take them out,I lose them," she explained. "Well, what if someone steals your car?" the husband countered. "Oh, that's okay.I always keep a spare in the glove box," she replied.  |  IP: Logged

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