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Author Topic: Blonds Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-16-2003 10:45 AM                        Rated G Azuree Dan was on the beach looking for an attractive woman to enter into the local beauty contest.He found two absolutely gorgeous blondes,Krissy and Lisa.They both showed definite interest in being involved,but Dan says,"Sorry, girls.I can only choose one of you." So both girls do all they can to win him over;Krissy does some cartwheels and backflips,while Lisa 'hangs ten' in the ocean for a bit.After this goes on for a while,he says, "I'm sorry, girls; I just can't decide.There's only one way to do this..." He pulls a quarter out of his pocket,tosses, and says,"Call it in the air." Lisa is caught unawares; Krissy yells, "It's a coin!" And that's how Krissy got into the pageant...  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-19-2003 12:28 AM                        Rated G Hank in Simi Valley Two strangers were seated next to each other on the plane. The guy turned to the cute blonde next to him and made his move."Let's talk." He said, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly, and said to the guy, "What would you like to discuss? "Oh, I don't know," said the player. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," said the blonde."That could be an interesting topic.But let me ask you a question first."A horse,a cow,and a deer all eat grass.The same stuff.Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty,and a horse produces muffins of dried poop.Why do you suppose that is?" Oh brother," said the guy. "I have no idea." So tell me," said the blonde, "how is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-22-2003 11:57 AM                        Rated R A blonde gal was walking down the street when she suddenly came across a lump in front of him. "What on earth is this?" He put his finger in it and tasted it. "Gosh!" she exclaimed. "It is dog shit. Thank God I didn't step on it!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-23-2003 12:43 PM                        Rated G Michele Two blondes are racing down a bumpy back road in a pretty beat up car to a bank they're going to rob. "Drive slower," pleads the one in the passenger seat, "I don't want all the dynamite in the trunk to explode." "Relax," the driver replies, "even if it did, I've got a spare box under the seat . . . "  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-24-2003 06:20 AM                        Rated R Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first blonde, Judy plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second blonde, Buffie, in great detail. The robbery begins. Judy drives up in front of the bank,stops the car and says to Buffie,"I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?" "Perfectly," said Buffie. Buffie goes in the bank while Judy waits in the getaway car. One minute passes . . . Two minutes pass . . . Seven minutes pass . . . and Judy is really stressing out. Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Buffie. She's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out. The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon. As the gals are getting away, Judy says "You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!" Buffie said, "I did . . . I did exactly what you said!" "No, you idiot," said Judy. "I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"  |  IP: Logged Bill Gabel Film God Posts: 3873 From: Technicolor / Postworks NY, USA Registered: Jan 2002 posted 07-24-2003 10:19 AM                     Cucumber Magic Rated PG A beautiful blonde woman was having trouble growing tomatoes...it seems she couldn't get them to turn red. She knew it was not the weather or the soil as the man next door had a garden full of big red tomatoes. One day she asked him about his secret.... "Twice a day" he said " I stand naked in front of the tomatoes, they blush and turn red." This sounded foolish, but what the heck, so she spent the next few days standing nude in her garden. A week went by and she ran into her neighbor and he asked... "Have your tomatoes turned red yet?" "Not really" she said... "But the strangest thing has happened.... the cucumbers have swollen up and are all standing on end."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-31-2003 09:47 AM                        Rated G Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony. "Help, help!" yells one of the blondes. "Help us, help us!" yells the other. "Maybe it would help if we yelled together," said the first blonde. "Good idea," said the other. "Together, together!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-02-2003 07:09 AM                        Rated G Michele A girl was visiting her blonde friend and noticed she had acquired two new dogs,and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" Whereupon the blonde responded,"What else you gonna name watch dogs?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-04-2003 03:44 PM                        Rated PG Michele Airport Security alerted an airline crew to keep an eye a blonde passenger who appeared excessively nervous and shifty-eyed.Soon after takeoff,the blonde man called a stewardess to his seat and said,"I have a live grenade in my pocket.I'll blow up the plane if you do not divert to Cairo." Perplexed,the stewardess said,"But, sir. This is TWA flight 1219 to Cairo." "Damn!" replied the blonde passenger,"I got on the wrong plane."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-04-2003 04:25 PM                        Rated PG Michele Two blonde guys,Nick and Mick,were talking about Mick's big date that night. "Here," said Nick,giving him a packet of powder,"it's Spanish Fly.Put it in her drink and she'll get really horny." They met up again the next day."Did you score?" asked Nick. "No," said Mick sadly,"And I don't understand. I slipped the Spanish Fly in her drink,but by the end of the night she was still speaking English."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-21-2003 07:30 AM                        Rated G Michele A blonde walked into the doc's office and said that the birth control pills he gave her weren't working. The doctor asked, "Have you been taking them every day?" "Yeah," says the blonde, "but the darn things keep falling out!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-21-2003 07:58 AM                        Rated G Bruce A man says to his blonde wife,"Guess what I heard at our favorite pub today? They were saying the milkman is having sex with every woman in our apartment building except one but they are not sure who that one is." And right a way she jumps up and says,"I know who it is, it's that stuck-up bitch Phyllis,in apartment 12."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-22-2003 03:44 PM                        Rated X Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her groin? So her male would get delivered to the right box.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-27-2003 09:28 AM                        Rated G A stunning blonde had gone to her student advisor for some course problems, but seemed to be paying only half attention to his replies. "Are you feeling OK?" he asked. "Well, to be honest, I have this compulsion to have sex with every man I meet," she admitted. "Is there a name for my condition?" "Why yes, there is," he said, as he picked her up and began carrying her to the couch. "It's called 'Good News'."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-02-2003 07:12 AM                        Rated G Blondes are not so dumb,in spite of the jokes about them. The following story demonstrates this point. A blonde named Pam is appearing on "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?" with Regis Philbin. Regis: Pam, you're up to $500,000 with one lifeline left: phone-a-friend.If you get it right, the next question is worth one million dollars. If you get it wrong, you drop back to $32,000. Are you ready? Pam: Yes, I'm ready. Regis: Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush? Pam: I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call Carol. Carol (also a blonde) answers the phone: Hello? Regis: Hello, Carol,it's Regis Philbin from Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?I have your friend, Pam, here, who needs your help to answer the one million dollar question. The next voice you hear will be Pam's....... Pam: Carol, which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush? Carol: Oh, Geez, Pam, that's simple. It's a cuckoo. Pam: Are you sure? Carol: I'm sure. Regis: Pam, you heard Carol. Do you keep the $500,000 or play for the million? Pam: I want to play. I'll go with C) Cuckoo. Regis: Is that your final answer? Pam: Yes. Cuckoo. Regis: You said C) Cuckoo, and you're RIGHT!!! CONGRATULATIONS!! You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS!!!! To celebrate, Pam flies Carol to New York. That night they go out on the town.As they're sipping champagne, Pam looks at Carol and asks her,"Tell me,how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest? Carol says, laughingly, "Oh, Pam!!! That's easy!!! Everybody knows they live in clocks!"  |  IP: Logged

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