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Author Topic: Little Johnny Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-19-2003 06:43 AM                        Rated G Michele A little boy came home from school crying. His mother asked him,"What's wrong, Johnny? Why are you crying?" Johnny said,"The kids were teasing me.They said I have a big head.They called me 'head case' and 'bushel head' and all sorts of other horrible names." "Nonsense, Johnny. Your head is no larger than the other kids. Come here and sit on my lap," said his mother.She told him how she loved him and how special he was and finally he stopped crying.She had cheered him up so he was his usual happy self. "Now,Johnny," she said,"I would like you to go to the store for me.Would you get the Sunday edition of 'The New York Times', a gallon of milk,a loaf of bread,and a large soda pop?" "How am I going to get them home, Mommy?" asked Johnny. "My wagon is broken. Remember?" "That's okay," she said, "just put them in your cap."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-02-2003 07:32 AM                        Rated G Little Johnny got on a bus and sat down next to a man.He noticed that the man had a strange kind of shirt collar, so he asked him, "Excuse me, sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?" The man smiled kindly and answered,"I wear this collar because I am a father." Little Johnny thought a second and responded, "Sir, I have a father, but he wears his collar the other way around. Why do you wear your collar so differently?" The priest thought for a minute, and said, "I am the Father for many." Little Johnny quickly answered, "My father, too, is the father of many.He has four sons,four daughters and many grandchildren. But he wears his collar like everyone else does.Why do you wear yours backwards?" The priest,flustered, said impatiently, "I am the Father for hundreds and hundreds of people." Little Johnny sat silently for a long time. As he got up to leave the bus, he leaned over to the priest and said,"Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-04-2003 06:33 AM                        Rated G Michele Little Johnny was walking along the railroad tracks when suddenly he got his foot caught under one of the railroad ties. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck. As he struggled to free his foot, he heard a noise and turned around. To his horror he saw a train coming. Panicked he started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll stop being bad!" Nothing happened, his foot was still stuck. He looked up to see the train getting closer! He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out and I'll stop swearing AND being bad!" Still nothing his foot was wedged tight. The train was just seconds away! Little Johnny struggled frantically as the train's horn blared. He tried his plea one more time, "God, please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit being bad, I'll stop swearing, AND I'll stop trying to look up little Mary's dress." Just as the train was about to hit Johnny, his foot broke free and he fell backwards, the train narrowly missing him. He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said, "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself..."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-19-2003 07:36 AM                        Rated G Little Johnny was participating in a spelling bee during class. He had to spell the word and use it in a sentence.The teacher asked him to please spell the word EAR. Little Johnny stood up and proudly said EAR, E-A-R. Then to use it in a sentence, he pretended to take a big hit off a joint,and while pretending to have his lungs full of smoke,he passed the pretend joint to little Suzy, and said... "Ear."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-23-2003 04:40 PM                        Rated PG Little Johnny was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is it called when people are sleeping on top of each other?" She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling." Little Johnny just said, "OK" and went back outside to play. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,"Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called bunk beds!"  |  IP: Logged Bill Gabel Film God Posts: 3873 From: Technicolor / Postworks NY, USA Registered: Jan 2002 posted 10-08-2003 02:24 PM                     Breaking the Bad News Rated PG13 Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on themin his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet . His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!" Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one untilall the cockroaches were dead. Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing therewatching her. To which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or should I?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-08-2003 08:11 PM                        Rated R Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you would let me go piss, you'd be a ten!" [ 10-10-2003, 03:43 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-11-2003 02:17 PM                        Rated G Michele Little Johnny and the other Boy Scouts were out collecting bottles for a fund raising activity.Little Johnny knocked on a you want, Sonny?" "D-d-do you have any beer bottles for the Boy Scouts,M-m-m-ma'am?" he asked. "Look here, young man,do I look like the kind of lady who would drink beer?" asked the lady. "S-s-sorry, Ma'am,w-w-what about vinegar bottles?" replied Little Johnny."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-23-2003 06:50 AM                        Rated G Dennis in Yonkers Little Johnny was in his 4th grade class when the teacher asked the childrenwhat their fathers did for a living.All the typical answers came- fireman,policeman,salesman,etc...Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer ina gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men.Sometimes,if the offer's really good,he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money." The teacher,obviously shaken by this statement,hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring,and took Little Johnny aside to ask him,"Is that really true about your father?" "No," said Johnny,"He plays for the Boston Red Sox but I was too embarrassed to say so."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-24-2003 04:10 AM                        Rated PG Michele One of the ladies of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck,and her son, Little Johnny,came running through the house,BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other.He tripped and the BBs,naturally,went right into the pot of beans. Thinking it over,Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment,so he said nothing. The dinner went well, and, as usual,the beans were one of the favorite dishes. The next day,the church secretary,Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said,"Jane,your beans were delicious as usual,but what did you put in them this time?" Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?" Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat and I shot the canary. "  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-29-2003 08:09 PM                        Rated G Little Johnny once asked his teacher "Do hearts have legs?." The teacher answered "Why do you ask that?" Johnny replied "Yesterday, I heard my dad say sweetheart open your legs."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-11-2003 07:57 AM                        Rated G Michele Little Johnny went to the store with his grandmother. On the way home, he looked through her bags to see what she had purchased. In one package, Little Johnny found some panty hose and he began to sound out the words "Queen Size." He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look Grandma, you wear the same size as our bed!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-12-2003 01:30 PM                        Rated G Michele Four-year-old Johnny was eating a hot dog when he dropped it on the floor. He quickly picked it up and was about to take another bite when his mom said,"No,Johnny,you can't eat that now it has germs." Little Johnny pondered the thought a moment and replied, "Jesus, germs,and Santa Claus - that's all I ever hear and I haven't seen one of them yet!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-18-2003 09:27 AM                        Rated G The teacher brought a Venus statue in class and asks, "What do you like best about it,class? Let's start with you,Robert." "The artwork," says Robert. "Very good. And you,Peter?" "Her boobs!" says Peter. "Peter, get out! Go stand in the hall," responds the teacher with disgust. "And you, Johnny?" "I'm leaving, teacher, I'm leaving..."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-21-2003 11:58 AM                        Rated G Johnny's Brother Joey LITTLE JOEY: Pop, did you know Mommy thinks you're perfect? DAD: She does? Wow! How do you know? LITTLE JOEY: I heard her say it to Mrs Treemont. HERB: When was that? LITTLE JOEY: Just before she used the word idiot.  |  IP: Logged

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