Johnny was at his first day of school.

The teacher advised the class to start the day with the pledge of allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him.

He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..." When his eyes fell on Johnny, he noticed Johnny's hand over the right cheek of his buttocks."

Johnny, I will not continue till you put you hand over your heart."

Johnny replied, "It is over my heart."

After several attempts to get Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"

The new school year started and the grade school teacher wanted the students to tell a brief story about summer vacation.

Several students eagerly raised their hands including little Johnny.

The teacher asked Alice to tell a story: "We took a trip to the Grand Canyon during vacation," Alice said. "We rode donkeys down a steep trail to the bottom of the canyon, it was really fun.

"The teacher asked for another volunteer and several students eagerly raised their hands including little Johnny. She was afraid to call on Little Johnny because he had a filthy mouth last year.

The teacher chose Fred: "My Dad and I went on a fishing trip way out in the country. We stopped at a small pond; I cast my lure into the pond and caught the biggest trout we'd ever seen! We started a campfire and cooked the trout, it was great!" Fred reported.

"That nice Fred, now how about another volunteer." Several students were waving their hands.

The teacher made the mistake and felt sorry for little Johnny. She decided to give him another chance.

"Go ahead Johnny."

"My Dad and I went on a deer hunting trip. We saw a huge 18 point buck in the field, my Dad aimed and shot it right in the asshole," Johnny said.

The teacher was angry, "Johnny, you mean rectum," she said.

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three?

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher.

"Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

Little Johnny's teacher decided that the children should learn about mime, so she had each of them develop a speech, which was to be relayed by using motion only. When Little Johnny's turn came, he stood up in front of the class:

"Ladies (grabbing chest) and gentlemen (grabbing crotch)..."

Little Johnny's teacher wasn't amused, so she sent him to the Principal's office. Little Johnny explained what happened, so the sympathetic Principal told him to revise his speech as follows:

"Ladies (motioning woman's curves) and gentlemen (making a muscle with his arm)..."

Little Johnny went back to class and proceeded to give his speech again:

Little Johnny, stuttering, asked his mom, "Mmmama why I tttalk like ttthis."

She replied, "I don't know ask your dad."

Little Johnny went to his dad and asked, "Dddad why I tttalk like
ttthis!"

His father said, "I don't know ask your sister."

So Little Johnny asked his sister and she said she didn't know.

Little Johnny was in the yard kicking rocks when the postman walks up.

Little Johnny asked, "MMMr. why I tttalk like ttthis!"

Little Johnny's mother decided to tell him all about making babies, so she had "the talk" with him.

Afterwards Little Johnny just sat there silently for awhile.

"Do you understand?" his mother asked.

"Yes," replied Little Johnny."

Do you have any questions?" asked his Mother.

"Yes, how about little kittens and puppies?" asked Little Johnny.

"In exactly the same way as with babies", answered his Mom.

"Wow!" Little Johnny exclaimed. "My daddy will fuck ANYTHING!"

Little Johnny was in trouble again.....He was charged with the rape of a grown woman, and all though the crime seemed highly improbable, the state's evidence
was overwhelming.

As a last desperate move, the defense counsel came over to the witness stand, pulled down Little Johnny's pants, and grabbed the boy's tiny penis for all to
see. "Ladies and gentlemen,"the lawyer cried turning toward the jury box, "surely you cannot believe that such a small still undeveloped organ is sexually mature?"

Growing more agitated he went on, "How could this miniature member be capable even of erection, let alone the rape of a fully grown woman."

Teacher "Johnny, I told you to get out pencils and paper."

Johnny "I ain't got none."

Teacher "Johnny! Where's your grammar?"

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday.

The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned.

Susie said, "He was born in a manger."

Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."

Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it."

Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?"

Little Johnny and his dad were on an overcrowded elevator.

Suddenly a lady in the front turned around, slapped Little Johnny's dad, and then left in a huff."

That sure is a nasty lady," Little Johnny's dad said.

A little Johnny is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later...."Da-ad...."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."

WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."

"WHAT!"

The pastor was talking to a group of young children about being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"

"Heaven!" Suzy cried out.

"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the preacher.

"Dead!" yelled Little Johnny.

Little Johnny is walking down the street leading the giraffe.

A cop says, "Kid, where you going?"

Johnny says, "I'm taking this giraffe to get mated."

The cop says, "Where?"

In school the lesson was about the word "contagious".

The teacher asked the class if anyone could use the word contagious in a sentence.

One girl raised her hand and said, "I had the chicken pox and I couldn't go outside and play because it was contagious."

The teacher replied, "That was good. Can anyone else use contagious in a sentence?"

One of the boys said, "I couldn't go over my friend's house because he had a cold and my mother said it was contagious."

The teacher replied, "That's good. Anyone else?"

Little Johnny said, "Last week when we had the snowstorm, my father took the snowblower and blew all the snow into my neighbor's driveway."

The teacher was upset and said, "That was a horrible thing to do. And besides, it has nothing to do with the lesson."

A primary school teacher decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sound.

"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.

Cindy put her hand up and said, "Moooo!"

"Very good," replied the teacher. "What sound does a sheep make?"

"Baaaa!" answered Jimmy.

She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?"