Little Johnny was sitting in the cafeteria, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big guy comes in and -- WHACK!!-- Knocks him clean off the chair and onto the floor. The big guy says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."

Little Johnny thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the chair when all of a sudden -- WHACK -- the big guy knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."

Little Johnny has had enough of this so ... he gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. He returns a few minutes later. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and -Bong!!!"--Bangs the big guy off his chair, knocking him out cold!!!

One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas."

Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time."

Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.

The boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too,

"And I'll be DAMNED if I get stuck with a $80,000 mortgage!"

Little Johnny is returning home from the store swinging a loaf of bread in one hand. His other hand in his pants pocket.

Off in the distance, Father Joseph sees little Johnny and considers, "This is a good opportunity to say something from the bible to little Johnny."

What to Grow

One day the teacher asked the second grade class that if they had one square foot of land what would they grow and why did they think they could make money?

Jessica raised her hand, "I would grow apples." The teacher asked, "Why would you grow apples, Jessica?" "Because I could sell apples, sell apple juice, and feed myself." "Very good." The teacher replied.

Tommy raised his hand next, "I would grow oranges because I could sell the oranges, sell orange juice, and feed myself." "Excellent, Tommy." The teacher praised him.

Let's call her Little Johnette

A little girl is very bored in her house when she looked out herwindow. To her surprise there were a bunch of little boys out there.

She said "Oh mommy! Can I go see if those boys will let me play? I'm so bored! I'll be back for supper! I promise!"

Her mother looked out the window and said "No, boys, they're just too rough! I think you should stay inside with me for awhile ... want to help with dinner?"

Little Johnny's Subsitute Teacher

Little Johnny was walking down the hallway at school.

When he reaches his classroom he looks inside and sees a sub instead of his regular teacher.

Johnny sits down and the teacher says, “Now students, my name is Ms. Prussy. Not the other word, this word has an r after the first letter.”

Johnny started laughing. An hour later he forgot her name and said, “Your name has an r after the first letter -- is it Ms. Crunt?”

Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused.

His mother was Jewish and his father was Hispanic.

So Johnny says,"Mum, am I more Jewish or more Hispanic?"

"What does it really matter? You'll just have to ask your father", his mother tells him.

So Johnny's father gets home from work and Johnny asks the same question,

"Dad, am I more Jewish or more Hispanic?"

"What kind of a question is that, does it really matter? Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish or more Hispanic?" asks his dad.

They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel -- they said, because it was bigger.

One day after John grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger or what?"

The teacher was writing the children's homework on the blackboard when she reached a little higher than usual.

A boy in the first row said,"Wow teacher, I can see the calf of your leg."

The teacher spun around and, shaking her finger in the boy's face said,"You get out of this room and go to the principal's office. You are expelled for two weeks."

After the boy left the room, the teacher started to write on the blackboard again and she reached a little higher.

Another boy said,"Oh wow teacher, I can see your thigh."

The teacher, really angry now, said,"You go to the principal's office. You are expelled for two months!"

After he left the room, the teacher turned to the board again and, being very nervous, broke the chalk. It fell to the floor and, when she bent over to pick it up.

A Sunday School teacher was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?"

Suzie raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands. "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzie?" Suzie replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!"

"What a wonderful answer!" the teacher said.

Now, Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Teacher, I think it's your legs."

The teacher looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"

"Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night.

Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was going, "Oh God, I'm coming!

"It ain't my fault, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this on my Dad. The reason I'm three hours late is Dad sleeps nights in the raw!"

Now, Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. So she asked Little Johnny what he meant by that, despite her mounting fears.

Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, Little Johnny and Trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth.

"You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here low-down coyote. The last few nights it done et six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. And last night when Dad heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!"

"Stay back, he yelled to all us kids, I wouldn't want ya hurt!" He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt!

To the henhouse he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck that double barrel through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog Zeke had done woke up and come a sneakin' up behind Dad.

Four year old Johnnie's mom was giving him a bath and noticed scratches on his tummy.

She asked him how they got there and he replied "I'll never tell."

She said "I will buy you the little red firetruck you want if you will tell me."

Again Johnnie said "I will never tell."

When Johnie's father got home from work Johnie's mother told him about the scratches and asked him to see if he could find out how they got there.

So Johnnie's dad went to tell him goodnight and said "Johnnie, how did you get the scratches on your tummy?"

Johnnie responded "I'll never tell."

Dad said "I'll buy you the little red wagon you want if you will tell me."

But Johnnie's reply was again "I'll never tell" so Dad kissed him goodnight and left the room.

As he lay in the bed waiting for sleep to come Johnnie was talking to himself aloud and said "If my Mom wants to buy me that firetruck - that's her business; If my Dad wants to buy me that red wagon -that's his business; but if I want my cat to have kittens - THAT'S MY BUSINESS!

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.

Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.

"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.

"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah.

Little Johnny stares at his test paper. A big red "F" stares back at him.

Freddie looks at his glum friend and asks, "Why did you get such a low grade on that test?"

"Because of an absence," Johnny answers.

"You mean you were absent on the day of the test?" Freddie asks.

Little Johnny replies, "No, but the kid who sits next to me was."

Suzy is sitting in class and she starts bleeding.

She whispers her problem to the teacher who tells her not to worry too much, just go home right now to her mother, and she will explain what happened.

On her way home she meets Little Johnny who has been cutting school.

Little Johnny asks Suzy "Where are you going?"

"I'm going home because I'm bleeding," says Suzy.

"Where ya bleeding?" asks Little Johnny.

So Suzy pulls down her blood soaked panties and shows him.