Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it.

He decided to ask his shrink what to do.

The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."

Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas.

"I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake-up. When
I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.

When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.

After church, Little Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree, and the pastor greets the family.

"Pastor," Johnny says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust."

"That's right, Johnny, I did," he says.

"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust."

"Yes, I'm glad you were listening," the pastor replies. "Why do you ask?"

One day Little Johnny's teacher decided to play a spelling game where she gave a letter of the alphabet and the kids have to spell a word starting with that letter and then use it in a sentence. Starting with A Little Johnny's hand is continually in the air, but the teacher ignores him, because she afraid he'll be rude again.

"Yes, Susan?" says the teacher.

"Miss, A is for Ape, A-P-E, An ape likes bananas" says Susan.

"Excellent " says the teacher, she goes on through the alphabet.

Finally she reach F. Now she will NOT let Little Johnny answer this under any circumstances so she asks Mary.

"F is for Fairy F-A-I-R-Y, they're little girls who lives among the flowers" says Mary.

"Great" says the teacher, "now we get to G."

Suddenly only Little Johnny has his hand up so the teacher thinks about this and decides G is a 'safe' one.

"Yes Johnny?"

"Miss G is for Gnome G-N-O-M-E. A Gnome lives among theflowers too."

"Little Johnny ! That's Excellent!" exclaims the teacher, being very happy that for once he wasn't out of line.

"Yes Miss he's the one who fucks the Fairies!" replies Little Johnny.

The Teacher asked, "All right children, who can tell me what a chicken gives?"

Mary answered, "A chicken gives eggs!"

The Teacher then asked, "Now who can tell me what a goat gives?"

Paul answered, "A goat gives goat milk!"

Finally the Teacher asked,"Well now, who can tell me what the cow gives?"

Little Johnny asked, "Mommy, where do babies come from?"

His mother replied, "The stork brings them.

A very dirty little Johnny came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?"

Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?"

The first grade teacher. Miss Figpot asked Little Johnnie, "Johnnie if I gave you two
rabbits and then two more rabbits and thentwo more rabbits, how many would you have?"

Johnnie replied, "Seven rabbits, Miss Figpot."

The teacher asked again, "Listen Johnnie, If I gave you two rabbits, plus two more rabbits,plus two more rabbits, how many rabbits would you have altogether?"

Johnnie smiled, "That's easy, Teacher, I would have seven."

"Ok Johnnie," Miss Figpot said. "Let's try it a different way. If I gave you two cans of Pepsi,plus two more cans of Pepsi, plus two more cans of Pepsi. How many cans of Pepsi would you have?"

"Six cans." Johnnie answered.

"OK," said the teacher. "Now think of that with this question. If I gave you two rabbits, then two more rabbits, then two more rabbits how many would you have?"

"Seven, Teacher." Johnnie replied.

Exasperated, Miss Figpot asked, "Why seven?"

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr.Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr.Smith says with a huge grin,"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance...Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.

After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautifulbanquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!"

After much discussion on his mother's part, he still didn't like it.

He asked his mother why they had to have another baby, his mother told him that God was sending the baby to them and that God didn't make any mistakes.

The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during thepast week.

Little Johnny got up to read his. "Papa fell in the well last week - " he began.

Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you're finished."

Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Golly, it worked!"

Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"

Little Johnny walks into school 20 minutes late. "Sorry I'm late," he says, "but I didn't get my fucking breakfast."

"How dare you use language like that!" says the teacher, "stand in the corner!"

She then carries on with the geography lesson. "Who can tell me where the Canadian border is?" she asks. No one in the class answers.

Little Johnny puts his hand up. The teacher ignores him and continues to ask. Still no one answers so reluctantly she says to Johnny "OK, then where is the Canadian border?"

Little Johnny was late for class, and when he saw that the door was already closed, he opened it and went into the classroom tentatively. He very quietly shut the door and tiptoed to his seat hoping not to get the teacher after him.

This upset the teacher, who said him, "Johnny, is this how your father would have come in - late and sneaking to his seat? Go out and try it again, and get it right this time!"