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Author Topic: Little Johnny Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2003 03:19 PM                        Rated G It was the first day of the school year, and an elementary teacher was trying to get to know her students. "What did you do this summer?" the teacher asked Suzie. "Me and my family went to the beach a lot," Suzie answered. "That sounds like fun," said the teacher. "How about you, Emma? What did you do this summer?" "Me and my family rode our bikes together." "That sounds lovely," said the teacher.She continued with all her pupils until she got to Little Johnny in the corner of the room. "What did you do this summer,Little Johnny?" "Nothing," Little Johnny responded timidly. "Did you do anything with your family?" the teacher asked,to try to draw Little Johnny out. "Yes." "Did you go to the beach?" "No." "Did you ride bikes?" "No,never!" Little Johnny burst out."We can never ride bikes together!" "Why not?" said the shocked teacher? "I don't know," explained Little Johnny,"but dad always said,when mom and sis start 'cycling together',it's time to get the hell out of town."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-14-2003 11:52 AM                        Rated G .............Little Johnny Little Johnny is at the zoo on a school visit and he spots a deer. Being a city kid he's never seen one before and so he asks his teacher, "What's that, Miss Jones?" Miss Jones decides to play a word game with him and says, "That's what your Mom calls your Dad, Johnny." Johnny thinks for a moment and then says, "I'm not stupid Miss Jones, I know that ain't a frickin' pig.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2003 09:16 AM                        Rated G A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell 'before.' He stands up and says, "Before, B-E-P-H-O-R." The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?" Another little boy stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R." Again the teacher says, "No, that's wrong." The teacher asks, "Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?" Little Johnny stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E." "Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?" Little Johnny says, "That's easy. Two plus two be fore."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2003 07:48 PM                        Rated G Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," Little Johnny said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best Christmas present I ever got." "That's great," smiled his uncle. "Have you learned how to play it yet?" "Oh, I don't play it," Little Johnny said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-28-2003 12:29 PM                        Rated R The third grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class: "Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow and everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go". She explained that this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her." A few days later she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Johnny raised his hand and recited: "Mary had a little pig, an ornery little runt. He stuck his nose in Mary's clothes, and smelled her little". He stopped and asked the teacher if she wanted poetry or prose. "Prose!" the teacher said weakly. So Johnny said, "Asshole."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-30-2003 09:00 AM                        Rated PG One day little Johnny's teacher was teaching the class about agriculture.To help with this,she was showing pictures of farm equipment.She puts up the first picture,"What is this a picture of class?"she asks. Little Suzy puts up her hand and Johnny sticks up his hand.Of course,the teacher just knows that Johnny has something dirty in mind and picks Suzy."What is this Suzy?"."Its a rake"."Very good,now can anyone tell me what this is?" she asks and points at the next picture. Johnny's hand shoots up and,little Anne politely puts up her hand,and once again the teacher ignores little Johnny."That's a pitchfork"says little Anne."Very good,now can anyone tell me what this is?"the teacher asks once more.Dead silence,only one student has their hand up,and of course it's little Johnny. Seeming as though no one else was volunteering,the teacher asked Johnny."OK Johnny,what is this?". All of a sudden Johnny realizes he doesn't know the answer."UH, UH,its a shovel,yeah,it's a shovel." "No Johnny,this isn't a shovel.This is a hoe". "What?!?!My sister's a hoe,and she doesn't look nutin' like that!!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2003 02:10 PM                        Rated X Little Johnny Little Johnny's teacher has had it with his behavior,so she goes to the principal and pleads for something to be done. The principle asks for Little Johnny to be sent to his office. When Little Johnny arrives the principal tries to play with his mind so he asks him something that Little Johnny will think is rude. "Tell me Johnny,do you know how to put a hole into another hole?" asks the principal. "No sir I don't" replies Little Johnny. "I'm giving you to the end of the month to come back with the answer to this question," says the principal. The whole month passes and Little Johnny is quiet as a mouse, thinking about the question,which he thinks must have a rude answer,day and night. After a month Little Johnny starts with his bad behavior again and the teacher pleads to the principal again,so Little Johnny is called in. "Tell me Johnny,did you figure out how to put a hole into another hole?" asked the principal. "No sir I didn't,but do you know how to put 8 holes in to another hole?" asked Little Johnny. "No" was the answer from the now dizzy principal. "Well" said Little Johnny with a smile,"Come home with me after school today and I'll show you.You see my dad has this flute with 8 holes in it and if I shove it up your fucking ass,you'll see how it's done."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-07-2003 04:41 PM                        Rated PG Little Johnny, on arriving home from school, informed his dad that he had seen a miracle at school that day. When his dad asked if he knew what a miracle was he told his dad that it was to see something happen that was impossible. "Tell me about this miracle." said his dad. "Well", said Little Johnny, "My friend, Mike, brought his pet mouse to school today and while the teacher was writing the spelling words on the blackboard, he was playing with it. Then, it got away." "It ran across the room and over to the teacher. Then, it ran right up her leg. She began to scream and reached down and grabbed hold of that poor little mouse and began to squeeze." "Dad, it's a miracle the amount of water she squeezed out of that poor little mouse."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-11-2003 08:41 AM                        Rated PG Are caterpillars good to eat? Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat? Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals! Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question? Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-13-2003 04:46 AM                        Rated X Little Johnny was just being potty trained and his mom tried this new method with 6 steps: 1. Unbutton pants 2. Pull pants down 3. Pull foreskin back 4. Pee 5. Push foreskin forward 6. Pull pants up and button up She walked past the bathroom one day and heard Johnny going 1,2,3,4,5,6 and she was thinking she did good. Then she walked past the next day and heard him saying real fast 3-5,3-5,3-5...  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-19-2003 11:36 AM                        Rated X One day Little Susie got her menstrual period for the first time in her life.Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny. Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was. Johnny's face grew serious and he said, "You know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-20-2003 10:32 AM                        Rated G Little Johnny was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, "How was I born?" "The stork brought you to us." "Oh," said Little Johnny. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked. "Oh, the stork brought us too." "So. . . how were grandpa and grandma born?" "Well, darling, the stork brought them too," said the mother. The next day Little Johnny handed in his paper to the teacher. It read, "This report is impossible to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-24-2003 10:27 AM                        Rated R Little Johnny kept asking his mother about his father. Where was he? Little Johnny's mother finally told him,"Your father was hanged 8 years ago for killing some people." The next day at school the teacher asked what their father was noted for. The children responded, "He is a doctor, a priest, a teacher, etc." When it came to little Johnnie, the teacher hesitated but finally asked him what was his father noted for. Little Johnny,thought and then finally stood up and said,"My father was well hung!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-14-2003 07:40 AM                        Rated X Little Johnny was playing Washington,DC taxi driver.He was using a discarded vegetable crate for the body and the hub cap from a Cadillac for the steering wheel."Hey look at me!" he squealed. "Here I am, a real DC taxi driver,driving up Pennsylvania Avenue at 70 miles and hour and picking up speed." As he was busily steering,he was also making the accompanying noises of blowing the horn,cursing out pedestrians who ran across the street in front of him,giving drivers the one-finger salute who got in his way,and screeching his brakes as he tried to avoid being hit or hitting someone. Little Mary was sitting on her tricycle watching intently. Becoming interested in what he was doing and all the excitement he was having,she asked,"Johnny,can I please go riding with you. When you take that senator to his office, can I ride with you? Pleeeeeease Johnny!, Pleeeeeeeease!" "Wait just a minute,"little Johnny said,as he cut back the sound of his motor and began to slow down the sounds of his motor. "I'll drop this guy off,swing around the block,come up the right way on that one-say street you're on and take you up for a quick ride." Little Mary climbed on the back of the vegetable crate and said, "I'm in, let's go!" "Hey, fasten your seat belt," little Johnny commanded. "I'm a real taxi driver and I like to drive fast.The faster I drive,the more money I make and the more people I hear scream. So,prepare yourself,I'm fixing to make the tires squeal!" After checking things out and revving up the engine,off the went. About the time he was up to 80 miles and hour,and had narrowly missed a tour bus, Little Mary announced that she had to pee pee. "Hey, don't make to stop right now, I'm on the way to the airport to catch a flight for some guy who's late. I'm sorry, but you'll just have to hold on for a second," Little Johnny said quite concerned with her discomfort."You've got to hang in there for another minute or so!" Little Johnny heard something that sounded like water running and when he looked down he saw a stream of yellow running between his feet.Then, he glanced around and to see better he turned around and stared --there sat Little Mary with her 'girlhood' exposed. "Gee, that little thing is cute," he said, "real cute. Would you mind if I touch it?" She nodded that he could, and he did -- ever so very briefly. "Hey, would you like to kiss it?" she asked. "Hell no, I don't. You got me all wrong. You must have forgotten just who you're riding with," exclaimed Little Johnny. "I ain't Bill Clinton or Gary Condit, I'm just a DC taxi driver!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-08-2003 03:00 PM                        Rated G Alex Little Johnny is mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer. The Preacher who lives across the street sees the beer and comes over to lecture the kid. "Aren`t you a little young to be drinking, son?", the preacher asks. Little Johnny replies, "That`s nothing; I got laid when I was five." "What?! How did that happen?" "I don`t remember. I was drunk."  |  IP: Logged

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