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Author Topic: Little Johnny Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-10-2003 06:18 AM                        Rated X One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fuckin' beautiful!'"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-10-2003 12:29 PM                        Rated G Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So, Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course, the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick. Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can't find it," he admitted. The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Billy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way. Well five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher, "I can't find it." Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom. So, Tommy and Billy go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Tommy, "Well, did you find it?" Tommy is quick with his reply, "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-10-2003 12:31 PM                        Rated PG A teacher was asking her class what their fathers did. When she asked little Johnny, he said, "My father's dead, Miss." "Oh, I am sorry, Johnny. In that case, what did he do before he died?" "He went blue, held his chest and moaned aaaaarrrrrrggg, and collapsed."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-15-2003 07:36 AM                        Rated X Little Henry is four years old. One day while he was pestering his mother, she said, "Why don't you go across the street and watch the builders work, maybe you will learn something." Henry was gone about two hours. When he came home, his mother asked him what he had learned. Martin replied - "Well first you put the goddamn door up. Then the son of a bitch doesn't fit so you have to take the cock sucker down. Then you have to shave a cunt hair off each side and put the mother fucker back up." Henry's mother said, "Wait until your father gets home." When Henry's father got home, Henry's mom told him to ask Henry what he had learnt today. When Henry told him the whole story, dad said, "henry, go outside and get me a switch." Henry replied, "Get fucked. That's the electrician's job."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-16-2003 08:21 AM                        Rated G Little Johnny's father had just returned home from a business trip, and he had a romantic evening planned with his wife. So, he sent his two older kids to the movies, but he couldn't persuade Little Johnny to go along. Finally, he made a deal with Little Johnny. "If you go sit outside of the house, I'll give you five dollars for every man you see go by in a red hat." An excited Little Johnny agreed. Some time later, Little Johnny ran into the house and up to his parents' bedroom. He banged on the door and shouted, "Hey, Dad, if you think your getting screwed in THERE, just wait until you come outside 'cause there's a Shriner convention going past our house."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-16-2003 08:24 AM                        Rated G One day, a class of third graders from the city were taking a field trip to the country to visit a small farm. The kids were amazed to see all the different kinds of animals on the farm. So the farmer asked one little girl, "What's the difference between a rooster and a hen?" "The hen lays eggs," replied the little girl. "Very good!" said the farmer. Then the farmer asked another little girl, "What's the difference between a duck and a turkey?" "Well," replied the little girl. "Turkeys can't swim and turkeys are what we have on Thanksgiving Day." "Very good!" exclaimed the farmer. Then he asked little Johnny, "Do you know the difference between a bull and a cow?" "Yeah," replied little Johnny with a grin. "Bulls smile when you milk them."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-22-2003 12:06 PM                        Rated R Little Johnny kept disrupting his third grade class by regularly letting loud farts. His teacher kept him after school. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said, "I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I'm very proud of that fact." The teacher says, "If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?" Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper. The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted but when she was done, there wasn't a trace of chalk dust left on the paper. Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked up underneath her skirt. "No wonder you won!" he exclaimed indignantly, "you've got a Double-Barrel!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-22-2003 12:25 PM                        Rated R Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this. Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says. "Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher. "Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "FUCK OFF!", the dog ate him!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-28-2003 01:23 PM                        Rated R "Okay, class, we're going to play a game today," said the third grade teacher. "I want everyone to give me a sentence with the word 'perhaps' in it." She then goes around the room asking each child. Mikey says, "Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't give us any homework." The teacher says, "Very good, Mikey." Clair says, "The sky is very dark, perhaps it's going to rain." The teacher says, "Very good, Clair." Little Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got home from school my sister and her music teacher both had their pants down to their ankles. Perhaps they were gonna shit on the piano."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-28-2003 01:26 PM                        Rated R One day Little Susie got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life.Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened,she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny. Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was. Johnny's face grew serious and he said, "You know, I'm not a doctor,but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-08-2003 08:39 AM                        Rated X A teacher asks her class to use the word "Contagious." Roland gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and mom said it was contagious." "Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try? Katie, asweet little girl with pigtails, says "My grandma says that there's a bug going around and it's contagous." "Well Done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?" Little Johnny jumps up and says, "Our next door neighbor is painting her house with a two-inch brush and my father says it will take the contagous."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-08-2003 07:46 PM                        Rated PG Little Johnny was talking to his father about Suzy."She sure is pretty,I wish I knew how to get her to pay attention to me," he said."She never says anything to me,I don't think she knows I'malive." "Well," his father responded,"the best way to get her attention is to go up to her and pay her acompliment.Try saying something nice abouther clothing, nd she will remember you fondly.Ask her where she got it,that is a sure bet tostart a conversation with a pretty girl." The next day Little Johnny saw Suzy on the playground. "Hey Suzy," he said,"That is sure a pretty sweater you are wearing. Where'd you get one with the knobs on it?" Without blinking an eye she replied, "The same place you got your pants with the gear shift."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-15-2003 07:19 AM                        Rated R Little Johnny is out on the playground during 4th-grade recess. He goes up to his classmate Lucy, and tells her "I'd sure like to be in your pants right now!" "How can you say such a thing?" she demands angrily. "Well, I just shit in mine!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-15-2003 12:07 PM                        Rated X Little Nancy's Pet Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-18-2003 05:11 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee Little Johnny's class were on an outing to their local police station where they saw pictures,of the ten most wanted men, tacked to a bulletin board. On the way out of the police station Little Johnny said to the officer, "it was so nice of you to put my daddy's picture up there." [ 05-21-2003, 11:00 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged

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