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Author Topic: Blonds
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 12-18-2001 08:52 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG


How do you keep a blonde at home?

Build a circular driveway.

***************************************************************

10 Blonde Science Fair Projects

10) Are poisonous snakes really venomous?

9) Is lighter fluid flammable?

8) What hurts more: falling off a building, or a cliff?

7) Are knives sharp?

6) Can sharks hurt a human?

5) What happens if I stick my hand in a piranha aquarium?

4) Can I break my arm hitting it against a wall?

3) Can I eat broken glass and live?

2) Can dogs talk?

1) Are blondes really dumb?

***********************************************************

A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street when the brunette says, “Look, a dead bird!”

So the blonde looks up!

***********************************************************

A Blonde Party

What kinds of people don't get invited to blonde parties?

Women!






******************************************


Why do blondes wear big hoop earrings when they go on a date?

So they have some place to put their feet.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 12-20-2001 10:39 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

There was a woman who wanted to repaint her house, so she called the contractor and set an appointment to meet with him.

When the contractor came to her house they did a walk-through and he asked her what colors she would like. They came to the living room and she told him that she would like a nice, warm cream color.

The contractor wrote something down on his pad, then walked to the window and yelled, ''Greenside up.''

The lady is a little confused, but doesn't say anything, and they continue to the dining room where she tells him, ''I would like a nice warm white in here, nothing stark.''

The contractor writes something down on his pad, then walks to the window and again yells, ''Greenside up!''

The lady is really confused now but still does not say anything.

They continue to her bedroom and she says, ''I would like a nice, cool, relaxing blue in here.'' The contractor writes something on his pad and again walks to the window and yells, ''Greenside up.''

The woman is now totally perplexed and says to the contractor,"Three times I have told you the color that I want, and you write something on your pad, then you walk to the window and yell greenside up.

"What is going on?" The contractor replies, "You see, I have four blondes laying sod across the street."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 12-22-2001 11:30 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Blonde State of Mind

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of international capitals.
She proudly said, "Go ahead and quiz me. I know all of them!"

Her friend said, "O.K. then, what's the capital of France?"

The blonde replied, "Oh, that's so easy! F."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 12-23-2001 11:20 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

This blonde woman went to Canada to seek her fortune as a lumberjack. She met a foreman of a logging organization who offered to give her a job.

"Now I hope you realize we expect you to cut down at least 100 trees a day," the foreman told her.

The blonde woman didn't see this as a problem, so she went out with the Chainsaw and did her best.

She came back sweating like a pig. ''Christ, how many trees did you cut down?'' asked the foreman.

''6'' she replied.

''What!? You have to do beter than that. Get up earlier tommorow.'' The foreman said.

So she did. Out she went with the chainsaw, she came back that night exhausted.

'How many this time?'' asked the foreman.

''12'' she said.

The foreman says, ''That does it. I'm coming out there with you tommorow morning.''

The next morning, the foreman reaches the first tree and says, ''This is how to cut down trees really quickly.'' He pulls the rope on the chainsaw and it gives off a loud BRRRRRRUM.

He notices the blonde is looking at him frantically. So he asks her what's wrong.

She replies, ''What the hell is that?'''

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 12-29-2001 07:23 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated X

A blonde was standing outside a fast food store, eating a burger,with her panties around her ankles. A chap walks up and asks, ''Excuse me, but can I ask why your panties are around your ankles?'' ''Oh really,'' she says, ''Has he gone now?''

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-09-2002 09:24 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

A blonde's house was on fire.

She called 911 and started screaming, "Help me, please!

My house is burning! Hurry!"

The operator said, "Okay, calm down and we'll be there soon.

How do we get to your house?"

The blonde answered, "Duh, in that big red truck!"


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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-15-2002 10:15 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

There was a blonde, redhead and a brunette all looking in a dictionary for the hardest word they knew.

The Redheads was quizzical, the brunettes was photosynthesis and the blondes was dick!.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-15-2002 10:17 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Why doesn't the blonde want to drink beer on the beach?

Because she doesn't want to get sand in her Busch.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-17-2002 07:06 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

What's the difference between a rooster and a blonde?

A rooster says, "Cockadoodledoo!" And a blonde says, "Any cock'll do."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-21-2002 07:31 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

A blonde has just gotten a new sports car.

She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff.

The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does.

The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it.

Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling.

So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing.

He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down.

He demands, "What's so funny?"

She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-21-2002 09:35 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Q: How do you tell if a bank robber is blonde?

A: She ties up the safe and blows the guard.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-23-2002 08:08 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

How did the blonde die raking leaves?

She fell out of the tree!

************************************************

What's the difference between the Atlantic Coast and a blonde?

The Atlantic Coast would never have that many crabs!!

************************************************

What do you get when Dolly Parton does the backstroke?

Islands In The Stream.

*****************************************

A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops - especially cops with their lights on. After they've been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if she's seen any cops.
"Yes," says the blonde.

"Are their lights on?"

The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No."

***************************************

How can you tell when a blonde has been baking chocolate chip cookies?

There's M&M shells all over the floor.

*****************************************

A blonde walks down the street and sees a banana peel a hundred yards ahead, and she sighs.

"Here we go again."

******************************************

Why did the mirror have 6 holes in it?

A blonde tried to shoot herself!


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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-24-2002 02:38 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?

A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-31-2002 12:44 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

Two Blonds were skiing -at Aspen, when they got into a debate about the best way to ski down a particular hill. "The best way is down the left side of the course, where it's nearly all powder," said the first blonde.

"No, the best way is straight down the middle, where the snow is packed tight," argued the other.

"Look," said the first blonde. "Let's get another opinion. There's a guy dragging a sled up the hill. Let's go ask him."

The second blonde agreed, and in a few minutes the two caught up with the guy.

"Excuse me," said the first blonde. "I say the best way to ski down this hill is to take the left side of the course, where it's nearly all powder, and my friend thinks the best way is straight down the middle, where the snow is packed tight. Can you tell us who's right?"

"Sorry, ladies," said the man, "but there's no use in asking me. I'm a tobogganist."

"Oh," said the second blonde. "Well, in that case, can I get a pack of Marlboro Lights ?"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-31-2002 08:28 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed exercise. You need to make sure the dog runs around, the doctor said. Try playing a game of fetch.

I can't play fetch with my dog, the blonde said.

Why not? the doctor asked.

Because, she replied, He can't throw.

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